When you are born, you cry, and the world rejoices. When you die, you rejoice, and the world cries.
Today was hard to get through. One of our students at Acbts' father died on Monday night. Today was the funeral. Funerals are hard for me because a. i've only been to one in my life, and it was for my old director...that one scarred me and b. i have mild anxiety about viewings. Something about the whole procession just makes me really anxious. We walked into the church and i saw her just crying and hugging friends and family. She's only 13 and now fatherless. I just hugged her and said "it's going to be ok". I never know what to say. It's so hard and i don't have the perfect words to stop her from hurting. She was so sad but still had that light in her eyes as she smiled at me through her tears and said "i saw a bathing suit the other day that made me think of you." I knew she was just trying to make light of the situation. I just smiled at her through tears in my eyes.
It was right before walking into the viewing room that i got a knot in my stomach followed by clammy cold hands. I remember looking at the door we had come in and wanting to run out and pretend i never came. It's just something about seeing someone, once alive, laying there. I can't handle it. I SCARES me. I don't know why. But i'm literally scared to look at them. It makes me so nervous and sick to my stomach. I don't know where this feeling comes from.
I walked into the pink tinted room. Her mom was there standing next to the open casket and i hugged her. She just said "thank you Sara". I tried not to look. But out of the corner our my eye i saw her mom reach out and just gently rub the sleeve of his suit as he layed there and my eyes looked to his face. My head was messing with me at this point because i SWEAR i saw a little half grin fall across his lips. I felt a calm, but I needed to get out of that room.
The church service was hard to get through. I sat with goldie and i remember her just holding my arm cause we both felt the sadness. Having to watch them bring the casket to the front of the church and seeing her and her mom crying was very hard. Others girls from the studio were there as well and seeing them cry got me crying again. You could just feel the weight of the grief in the room. The final moment when they walk out with the casket is an erie one. They pause before leaving the church and a silence falls over the room as the church bells chime from outside. It's so final.
I just feel very sad today. I don't know why. I want to crawl into a hole and not have to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything really. It's an erie empty feeling inside that is really bothering me. It's the nothing.
Maybe i'll read to make myself distracted or close my eyes and sleep for a long time praying i'll wake up not feeling this way. I don't understand myself sometimes or why i feel this way.
Sorry so depressing. I feel bad dreams coming.
It was right before walking into the viewing room that i got a knot in my stomach followed by clammy cold hands. I remember looking at the door we had come in and wanting to run out and pretend i never came. It's just something about seeing someone, once alive, laying there. I can't handle it. I SCARES me. I don't know why. But i'm literally scared to look at them. It makes me so nervous and sick to my stomach. I don't know where this feeling comes from.
I walked into the pink tinted room. Her mom was there standing next to the open casket and i hugged her. She just said "thank you Sara". I tried not to look. But out of the corner our my eye i saw her mom reach out and just gently rub the sleeve of his suit as he layed there and my eyes looked to his face. My head was messing with me at this point because i SWEAR i saw a little half grin fall across his lips. I felt a calm, but I needed to get out of that room.
The church service was hard to get through. I sat with goldie and i remember her just holding my arm cause we both felt the sadness. Having to watch them bring the casket to the front of the church and seeing her and her mom crying was very hard. Others girls from the studio were there as well and seeing them cry got me crying again. You could just feel the weight of the grief in the room. The final moment when they walk out with the casket is an erie one. They pause before leaving the church and a silence falls over the room as the church bells chime from outside. It's so final.
I just feel very sad today. I don't know why. I want to crawl into a hole and not have to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything really. It's an erie empty feeling inside that is really bothering me. It's the nothing.
Maybe i'll read to make myself distracted or close my eyes and sleep for a long time praying i'll wake up not feeling this way. I don't understand myself sometimes or why i feel this way.
Sorry so depressing. I feel bad dreams coming.