*sigh*
I feel rather depressed. I knew this was coming. I only get along so well with my roomate, there is some major upheavals going ot go on at work, and other than that I have no life. Basiclly i have alot of stress and no outlet. Nor will one come along any time soon. I was able to bitch at Lori. I'd bitcha bout my job and my roomate, she'd bitch about her work and her family. But lately she's gone on a bender about me having it easy and she has it hard. Everyone seems to be like that lately. 'No one has it as hard as them'. Not that Lori is really like that. But now I don't even want to say anything on the subject around her. Which means....no outlet. Just one pent up sarah. But what else is new.
I feel like I have too much history here. I have an ex who everyone goes out of their way to tell me about and discuss infront of me. I have debts that I'm trying to pay, but it never seems to be enough. I'm trying to save money to move, but need to take care of so much. And as far as anyone, including my managers, are concerned I don't do anything to be proud of. Actually the attitude seems to be I just don't do anything.
We had an surprise audit two days ago. he stayed for several nights. Everyone said 'what do you have to worry about, your the night girl'. Gee thanks. I only process all daily reports, create housekeeping scedule, and maintain an entire hotel at night by myself. Don't forget double checking all dayshift's work and maintaining computers. He finds anything wrong with any of that and its my job thats gone. but what do I have to worry about. I know i'm obsessing about this, but when its all you got.
I'm a shallow person. I don't know jack. and what I do know jack about everyone already knows more than me. I can't carry an intellegent conversation well, and am ackward in social settings. So much for being a good sca person. I'm too paranoid about what i say and do to be a good person there too. I feel ackward and very stupid when at events, makes ya wonder why I keep going. What bugs me there is that i've been a member for five years, but haven't done anything because there is no one to do anything with. Yet when you go somewheres people say 'you've been a member long enough, you should know this stuff by now'. I feel completely green but basicly i'm not allowed to act it.
I think i should pick up a second job. I have too much time to just sit and think like this. As it stands I sit infront of my computer, then come to work and sit infront of this one. That'll change at work because summer is a living hell for dealling with drunks and complainers. Especially in this area.(but remember I don't do anything so I shouldn't have to worry) I try to keep my mind filled with projects, meaningless things to get done. I've almost a dress done at home, but its velvet. velvet and my sewing machine aren't getting along very well.
I feel bad for jon. he's going to have to put up with me soon enough. I'm going to go stir crazy with no job. Comes down to, then what will i have. I know i'll have one eventually, that is no worry. Its just how to spend my days then. I'm also worried that the paperwork is going to take too long. My roomate has already found someone to take my end of the appartment in september. Which means if the paperwork is not done i'm homeless,and stuck in f'ton.
I know that maybe I shouldn't go on and on here. but there have been an abundace of no one around lately. And i've been a real nut case. I work well with stres, but when theres no wheres to let out, and i have to monitor every word out of my mouth... I'm tired, and depressed. I just wish there was somewheres i could go or someone i can just let it out at and not take it the wrong way. *sigh*
Now my mind is caught on Schola. the next sca event coming up in two weeks. I'm tempted not to go. but its lori's first event and arangements have already been made. there are only two people i want to see out of hundreds that are going to be there. master henry, who has been a great mentor and long-distance friend. and sir antony de cirvious (sp?), who is also a good tutor. he has taught me the bow and arrow, and encourage me to brew. Mind you i started with something easy to brew and everyone around me is 'I don't drink THAT stuff'. Maybe I can just get pissing drunk on saturday night, thats a good possibility with sir antony.
I feel like I have too much history here. I have an ex who everyone goes out of their way to tell me about and discuss infront of me. I have debts that I'm trying to pay, but it never seems to be enough. I'm trying to save money to move, but need to take care of so much. And as far as anyone, including my managers, are concerned I don't do anything to be proud of. Actually the attitude seems to be I just don't do anything.
We had an surprise audit two days ago. he stayed for several nights. Everyone said 'what do you have to worry about, your the night girl'. Gee thanks. I only process all daily reports, create housekeeping scedule, and maintain an entire hotel at night by myself. Don't forget double checking all dayshift's work and maintaining computers. He finds anything wrong with any of that and its my job thats gone. but what do I have to worry about. I know i'm obsessing about this, but when its all you got.
I'm a shallow person. I don't know jack. and what I do know jack about everyone already knows more than me. I can't carry an intellegent conversation well, and am ackward in social settings. So much for being a good sca person. I'm too paranoid about what i say and do to be a good person there too. I feel ackward and very stupid when at events, makes ya wonder why I keep going. What bugs me there is that i've been a member for five years, but haven't done anything because there is no one to do anything with. Yet when you go somewheres people say 'you've been a member long enough, you should know this stuff by now'. I feel completely green but basicly i'm not allowed to act it.
I think i should pick up a second job. I have too much time to just sit and think like this. As it stands I sit infront of my computer, then come to work and sit infront of this one. That'll change at work because summer is a living hell for dealling with drunks and complainers. Especially in this area.(but remember I don't do anything so I shouldn't have to worry) I try to keep my mind filled with projects, meaningless things to get done. I've almost a dress done at home, but its velvet. velvet and my sewing machine aren't getting along very well.
I feel bad for jon. he's going to have to put up with me soon enough. I'm going to go stir crazy with no job. Comes down to, then what will i have. I know i'll have one eventually, that is no worry. Its just how to spend my days then. I'm also worried that the paperwork is going to take too long. My roomate has already found someone to take my end of the appartment in september. Which means if the paperwork is not done i'm homeless,and stuck in f'ton.
I know that maybe I shouldn't go on and on here. but there have been an abundace of no one around lately. And i've been a real nut case. I work well with stres, but when theres no wheres to let out, and i have to monitor every word out of my mouth... I'm tired, and depressed. I just wish there was somewheres i could go or someone i can just let it out at and not take it the wrong way. *sigh*
Now my mind is caught on Schola. the next sca event coming up in two weeks. I'm tempted not to go. but its lori's first event and arangements have already been made. there are only two people i want to see out of hundreds that are going to be there. master henry, who has been a great mentor and long-distance friend. and sir antony de cirvious (sp?), who is also a good tutor. he has taught me the bow and arrow, and encourage me to brew. Mind you i started with something easy to brew and everyone around me is 'I don't drink THAT stuff'. Maybe I can just get pissing drunk on saturday night, thats a good possibility with sir antony.