God Bless Catastrophe - Chapter Fourteen | Behind Those Dead Eyes
Pairing: Tora x Saga, allusions to Shou x Hiroto, Shou x OFC
(throughout entire story | BOLDED = specific to chapter)
Rating: R (solid)
Genre: Suspense, Drama, Action, Angst, Dark, AU, Chaptered
Story Summary: Sanity comes in many forms, but so does insanity. We all walk the line of both, a delicate balance of the pieces that constitute our make up - mentally, emotionally and physically. How many pieces can be removed, or added, before the balance is entirely destroyed? Where does the catalyst come from? Is there a bridge to repair damage done? Hiroto is both plagued by and coming to understand that maybe these sorts of questions can’t be answered.
"I’m not crazy…are you?"
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The studio was silent as the coveted instruments sat on their stands. It was as if, for the first time in years, that they were all strangers in a room. Usually, before recording they were caught talking and acting silly; boyish. They were friends and it had seemed like they’d had each other for the whole of their lives. Looking back each member of Alice Nine could easily substitute another member of the band for their childhood best friend or first truly trusted comrade; regardless of if that was simply because of the familiarity and how intertwined their lives had become.
Yet as they stood there, the first day back after their forced leave time by Ono’s demand, it was as if they had nothing to say to each other. Usually one would be practicing and another roughhousing, or, as they were all waiting on Nao, behind the drum set fiddling with the cymbals hoping Nao would appear and, depending on his mood, puff up and demand to have his drumsticks or simply laugh wholeheartedly and wave a hand playfully telling the culprit that they’d be better suited back there anyway and he was going for another coffee.
Today there was no solace in any of that as they all stood stiff and still, silent and passive. Hiroto was close to Shou who had managed a passing glace at Tora which only made Shou upset. It was a feeling he wasn’t used to and he certainly didn’t like it. He hated that he was upset with Tora but had yet to figure out a way to ease his pain. Tora on the other hand was doing his best to avoid Shou, simply because he hadn’t the foresight or courage to apologize. He simply wasn’t sure how to proceed, despite wanting to repair all the ill emotions. Saga and Hiroto stood by as support pillars.
“Shou…” Saga tried to cut the tension and open a window in which Tora could offer some sort of condolences or at least put forth effort. Shou’s head lifted and turned toward the bassist. When his eyes landed on Saga, Shou felt his face get hot and little pillows of pink dusted the apples of his cheeks. His top teeth dug into his lower lip and his eyebrows came together in a physical outpour of nonverbal emotion.
“It’s not just about her.” Hiroto said in immediate defense of the singer, though no words about Aiko had been uttered. Hiroto immediately assumed that would be where the blame would fall. “Don’t Saga…just don’t.” He took a step nearer to Shou’s side. “You weren’t there, you didn’t see what we saw. You weren’t covered in blood and afraid Tora would die - watching it happen. You….weren’t there.” Hiroto’s voice, which had started out strong, tailed off into a dull whisper as he shook his head roughly. Though Saga didn’t miss the connotation, the inlaid message that he was absent from it all. There was some measure of blame that and Saga didn’t like that.
“I didn’t have to be.” Saga said slowly. “I didn’t have to be there, in danger and near death, to care. I care Hiroto-san.”
Tora started to pace and Hiroto shook his head harder. “It’s not about caring. It’s not about fluffy feelings or you sleeping in Tora’s bed. It’s not about dreams and hopes and what vision we have for the future anymore. It’s about getting by each day. It’s about learning to live with what we saw…the three of us.”
Saga’s head dipped slightly but he it was only because he could feel his cheeks swell in irritation and he hoped to hide that from his fellow band mates. It didn’t prevent his words from coming in a slightly seething manner picking up momentum as he went. “I never said it wasn’t about those things. I never implied that. I’m merely trying point out the pieces that matter which you are quick to dismiss. I understand it was difficult. I know what happened. I wasn’t there - no. Would I have been if I could have ever anticipated what was to occur; absolutely. There’s no case in which I would have abandoned you.”
“Maybe you should have stopped Tora then.” Shou’s voice had more force in it than any of them expected as he finally offered his own words. “Maybe you should have been watching what was happening and been involved from the beginning. Like…like the rest of us. I didn’t leave Hiroto alone for a moment. I never wanted him to face any of this alone - whether I believed him or not.”
“No, for you, it was about being where the girl was.” Tora snapped venomously before he could stop himself. He didn’t believe a word he said but it was the quickest defense he could come to when Shou attacked Saga. Their voices had all raised and the heat in the room seemed to go up in full degrees as they all reached a high of inexplicable irritation. They rarely fought and never entirely as a band, but the more words that came the more each allowed the anger to fill each of them.
“STOP!”
The voices dimmed and all eyes turned to the doorway. There, in the entryway, stood Nao. He was hallow looking and pale, he seemed empty, but the expression of horror on his face was more telling than anything. Saga’s head dipped in shame, the tip of Shou’s thumb went into his mouth, Tora’s fingertips swept over his lips and Hiroto met eyes with the drummer. “Stop it now.” He said slightly frantically as he darted into the room and moved around behind the drums and lifted up his sticks. None of them had any idea how long he’d been standing there in the doorway, but it was clearly long enough to see and hear what had been said. It was enough to understand the depths at which his fellow band members were attacking each other.
He shook his head as he fumbled with the sticks, unable to actually keep a hold on them. He dropped each of them half a dozen times before he gave up on keeping a hold on both of them at the same time. He was still shaking his head and his voice shook as he looked up to them. “I…I can’t do it anymore.” He flipped one drumstick over his shoulder and then the second. His head had not stopped shaking in disbelief. “I don’t want to. I simply can’t.” He moved back around. No part of him was the usual silly and goofy bundle of odd energy that Nao usually was. He was drawn and nervous. He slipped out, back toward the door.
“I quit.” He said simply before he disappeared from its frame.
Saga was the first to move; he quickly slid the strap of his bass off of his shoulder, setting it down haphazardly before his feet brought him to the door. Shou, Tora and Hiroto stood for a beat of stunned silence; they had certainly argued before but usually it was easy to smooth over. Their arguments were hardly explosive as there was little they disagreed on. And should it ever come to the point where one of them left out if irritation, Nao was the last person to do so. In fact, Nao, being the leader of their small tribe, was typically the first to head them off and loop an arm around the agitated member and explain (not without a laugh) that they were acting silly.
They had all had their moments where they were down-trodden, certain that they weren’t worthy enough of being in the glorious position they were. Certain that they weren’t good enough to be part of Alice Nine because they weren’t evolving with the others-or at least they saw it that way. They had always been lifted out of that depressive state, pushed back upright and urged to keep going because they had the support of four others behind them.
Never had one of them simply quit. Never with such finality as there was to Nao’s words.
“Nao!” Saga called out, his voice echoing slightly down the hallway as he jogged to catch up with Nao. There was a franticness to voice and he hoped it would halt Nao; it did, to an extent. The shorter man stopped though he didn’t turn around. Nao’s head was bowed in against his chest and his eyes were squeezed shut, though Saga only noticed the latter as he got closer to Nao. The drummer had his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jeans and his spears of black hair fell helplessly against his forehead as he waited.
“Nao-san…come on, don’t leave. Can you stay, please? We’re all tired and upset and destroying each other but we need to stay together. It’s the only way to fix this. Everyone is getting hurt and I just want it to stop. I don’t want you hurt like Shou-kun was hurt…please, come back and talk.” Saga said quietly, his eyes on Nao’s. There was a moment of silence before Nao’s eyes opened up, moving to meet Saga’s. They were rimmed in red and looked bloodshot; Saga could only attribute it to a lack of sleep. He was very much unaware that what was happening to his friend was worse than lost hours of slumber. Nao shoved his hands farther into his pockets, certain to make sure the fabric covered his wrists, before he shook his head.
“I can’t…I’ll be fine by myself. I’m fine…I just can’t do this anymore.” Nao said in a voice of indifference. He seemed to feel nothing as he shrugged his shoulders softly. His hollowed face and haunted eyes worried Saga, who moved to insist that Nao come back and talk again. However, Saga’s lips had pressed tightly together and a sort of stunned feeling washed over him the very moment Nao spoke again. “I don’t care anymore-I don’t care about anything….I don’t care about any of you.” It was the simplistic nature of his very statement that had Saga believing every word of it. There was no emotion in Nao’s eyes and his face was stone cold too; Saga knew Nao almost as well as he knew Tora, simply because they spent so much time together too, and he had never known Nao’s face to be as empty as it was just then.
Saga stood still in his spot before he bowed his head softly, gesturing towards Nao. “Okay.” He mumbled, taking a step backwards. His eyes moved up to meet Nao’s for a moment before he nodded his head. A swell of pain blossomed in Saga, on that he couldn’t be sure he’d ever felt to the depths at which he felt it then. It hurt worse to hear those words from Nao than it did to suffer the fear of Tora in physical pain. “Okay. We care…we care enough to not want you to go but if we can’t make you stay, then okay.” There was bitterness to his tone that Saga did nothing to hide and for a moment it seemed as if Nao wanted to say something, an apology or a goodbye or something of equal standing. However, he merely nodded his head in response and turned on his heels, walking the rest of the way down the hall and out of the building.
Saga hadn’t even made it back to the room, all three sets of eyes on him expectantly, before there was a series of loud bangs off in the distance. It sounded as if doors were being slammed open and there were loud voices that grew steadily closer to the room the four of them were in. “I need to talk to them! You don’t understand-Nao, I need to see Nao. Please-let me go.” There was a forcefulness to the last sentence and, as it was spoken, Payton appeared before the door. There was a hand of one of the staff members trying to pull him away; though when Payton spoke, their grip seemed to go unusually slack on his arm and Payton pulled away roughly from them.
His cheeks were flushed beat red and his long hair had been run through with his fingers and tugged mercilessly at many, many times before he arrived. “Where is he?” He asked swiftly, the usual shy and meek nature of his voice gone only to be replaced, instead, by franticness. Payton’s eyes swept over the four of them before he moved deeper into the room. Tora had quickly stopped the staff from seizing him again.
“Where is he?! Hiroto, Shou! Please….just someone; please…tell me where he is. Just tell me where Nao is.” Payton had moved into the room completely, walking to the doors that led off to other rooms and perhaps a closet, opening them furiously as he searched for the drummer.
“He’s not here.” Saga told him, sullenness and defeat in his voice as he was moving to scoop up his stuff from where it was left on the floor. It was clear that he meant to leave himself, his heart and soul no longer in the idea of playing music that day. There were much bigger emotions to deal with and though he would use music to let those out, he couldn’t find it in himself to look at any of them while he did it. Even his eyes strayed away from Tora, despite the fact that he was the only thing that could rival the therapeutic nature of music. “He left-he’s gone. He quit. He doesn’t want to be around us anymore.”
“Was he alone?” Payton asked sharply, eyes flickering over towards Saga. A confused look passed over Saga’s face and Payton moved a step forward. “Was he alone?!” He repeated, this time with even more strength as he was taking in small, forceful breaths. When Saga nodded silently, Payton’s eyes fell shut and he covered his face in his hands for a moment, crouching down as the sheer weight of Saga’s nod, though the effect it had on Payton seemed to only confuse the others more, destroyed his usual soft and quiet demeanor.
“They all quit.” He mumbled into his hands before he ran his fingers through his hair, forcing himself to look up as his hands rested against the base of his neck. His eyes, dark and hollow with foreboding emotions, looked between the four of them. “They all quit caring because there is only one thing that matters…one person that matters and she kills them. Spiritually, emotionally…physically too when she discards them. She doesn’t give a shit about them and yet they worship her-Nao is more than just quitting on you. Ash too…she has them both quitting on themselves.”
Payton bit down hard on his bottom lip before he stood up, shaking his head. “You four...your friend needs help. He’s sick--I wish I could help but I’ve done this before and every time, I’ve failed at it. I’ve had people die because I can’t fix this…that person in the alleyway died because I couldn’t…and I…Ash was the only person I knew that had beaten this but if he…he’s back there and Nao is with him…oh God….” He trailed off to himself English, his eyes glassy with premature tears.
There was a heavy silence that fell over the room, terrified and confused looks on their faces. Payton’s words, though spoken choppily as he couldn’t find the ability to say what it was he felt, instilled a heavy fear in them all. The mere talk of death, of illness, of something truly destroying Nao was hard to grasp.
Though Tora moved a moment later, closing the door shut completely. He leaned his weight against it before he spoke, his deep voice penetrating their shocked, perplexed silence. “What do you mean sick? You and your brother educated us on this world, you gave us knowledge of what we had stumbled upon. Is there more? What…what don’t we know? What is wrong with Nao-san?” He asked calmly though the way he was pressed against the wood of the door, his hand gripping tight to the handle as to keep himself steady, gave away the anxiety that raced through Tora.
Payton looked towards him and paused for a moment, his cheeks still red and his breaths still jagged. “There is a lot you don’t know…the less I tell you the better. The less you know, the less you have to handle this world. I don’t want any of you to be stuck here, to be plagued by this, any longer than you have been. You don’t have to be, you shouldn’t be…but I will tell you what you need to know."
”I will tell you what is happening to your friend.”
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Authors' Notes
Mandy: This chapter was one we talked about ages ago. We weren’t entirely sure how it would roll out - but we knew it would. I’m not sure the vision I had or the one Jackie had exactly but I think it turned out better than either of us had as a pseudo story seed in our minds. There were parts, when I read what Jackie wrote, that I freaked out for. It was as if I was getting be the reader and not part of the writer. For that I want to dedicate this chapter to Jackie. ^.^ She really got me.
As a side note, we can see the light now. Today Jackie and I discussed the next few chapters - which will be the final few. We are on the home stretch it seems. As always, thank you for reading. We do appreciate it and are grateful for those of you that do. Thank you.
Jackie: You know how hard it is to find boy doodles? Very, very hard. Too bad Hiroto isn't a girl, it would have made my job much easier. :D Mandy said all the important stuff so I'll just leave it there. :D Thank you for reading--hopefully you are just as jazzed as we are. Oh there is one thing I wanted to say...we update fast, you guys know that. Stupid fast--we posted chapter 13 about this time yesterday. That's a day for about four pages and all those graphics. And then add in school and work and stuff--its crazy. The reason is because we actually start the next chapter while posting. I post the stuff here on LJ, I make all the updates while, at the same time, Mandy starts the next chapter. So chapter 15 is already started as we speak. :D Its a process I have never heard of before and I find it crazy on our part but eh, whatever. :D We should have it up by tomorrow--that is the goal at least. ^_^