Why Today Is An Important Day
Today marks a very important day.
Today, June 30th, 2011, is Ashton Paul Lionel's 29th birthday. As such, in two weeks, another important birthday will come as it is my partner in crime's special day. Now...as a present to her, both for this day and the one coming, I have taken something we wrote together years ago and reworked it for you to all see. It is, without a doubt, one of my favorite Ash moments to this date. Consider it a trip down memory lane, to one of the best character defining moments for Ash Lionel, and a very large pat on the back for the woman who created him, Mandy herself.
It may seem weird to others that we actually know the date of his birthday, but we are that in touch with these characters. Particularly ones like Ash. :D That being said...thank you, my friend, for gracing us with this beloved person.
He truly is amazing.
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The following comes from a thread originally posted in January of 2009. Ash was about 17/18 years old and attending the Academy of Alchemy in Altamonte Springs, Florida. Most of what is posted below is as it was originally written, only editted (moved around) to better fit the story together so it reads smoothing.
This is part of the middle of a story line, so I hope it makes some bit of sense. This is sort of a realization, on our part, that for all the shit we put Ash through, he was bound to snap. For a kid with so much need for order, and such STRONG OCD, we found that we could push him to his limit. And well...this was the resulting thread. :D
Please...enjoy. :D It's REALLY long...I hope no one minds. :D
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The entire car ride-it had seemed much longer to Payton than it was in miles and minutes-was silent. He let the back of his head fall against the seat, eyes towards the ceiling slightly as he rubbed absentmindedly at the soft fabric of his jeans. He was smoothing them, without even consideration to the movement of his hands. Every few moments he’d open his mouth to say something but stop himself, tightly closing his lips and returning to his silence.
Ash and West were the two things in Payton’s life that he knew he would need to always be there for. He would protect them until he died doing it-Colton and Evelyn were his world, Amy meant more to him that he did himself, his mom was his anchor and the sort of person he wanted to be. But West and Ash were his brothers-and there was a sort of bond there that Payton felt he was responsible to keep intact-and that bond included protecting them from every bit of sadness and hurt they were exposed to before it destroyed them completely.
Therefore when he had found out, from Dex only but the day before, Payton was crushed. He was upset that he hadn’t known sooner-upset with Lisa, Ash's mother, that there hadn’t been, at least in Payton’s opinion, any real effort to stop what had happened. Payton wanted to believe that maybe had he known before it happened, he could have fixed it-he could have done it before Ash was admitted to a place as, in his opinion, soul crushing as the mental institute.
Being with Amy had latched on a distaste for such a place in Payton-the idea that any of his family, let alone someone he should have kept safe enough to avoid it, was there killed him.
“So um…” He forced himself to speak, aware of the fact that they were pulling into a parking spot just outside the hospital. Payton sat up straight in his seat, staring at the building for a moment. It looked as ominous and just plan horrible as it was. Payton was a healer by nature-but what he deemed healing and what happened here was different. This place destroyed souls-not just that of fae but of mundanes and mages too. Enough medicine was pumped into the systems of patients to create mindless, emotionless husks. He tore his eyes from the building, a little shine to them despite the fact that he bit down the lump in his throat.
Payton was never one to let what he felt come above what was wrong with others-at least not selfish emotions. Guilt, certainly-he felt guilty over quite a few things. But it was all because he had let someone down in some way, that he convinced himself that he was a disappointment to someone when he might not be.
He couldn’t imagine seeing Ash, shattered and broken in whatever form that might take, because he had let him down and let him get that way.
“I know I said-I said that I’d decide if I-I could do it when we got here…I can’t. Mom, I can’t do it.” Payton looked towards her beside him. A frown deepened on his face as he shifted slightly to reach into the pocket of his pants. He pulled out a piece of paper-he had taken the time to make sure it was folded perfectly, that the paper wasn’t marked in any other way but his note-which he had written three times over to make sure that was perfect too.
Payton licked his lips, holding the paper between his fingers for a moment before extending it to her. “Here-can you give it to him? And…I don’t know. I just…tell him it’ll all be okay. Even if its not, tell him. Tell me it’ll all be okay too.”
“Yeah, you got it-I’ll give it to him. Come here-“ Diane took him in a hug, holding on tightly for a moment before drawing back enough to place an affectionate kiss on his cheek before rubbing at it lightly with her finger tips. “He’ll be okay, Payton. It’s not a lie either-he’s just a little kicked right now, that’s all. He’ll be okay again-back to being the Ash we all love. I’m sure of it.”
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Ash was situated in a flat white room. He’d taken to not speaking to anyone. He hated being there. He didn’t need to be there, he knew he didn’t. Of course, they all said because he knew he didn’t need to be there was all the more reason he did need to be there. The logic didn’t work at all. Ash was logical - not crazy.
Why he was stuck with crazy people he had no idea, but it was very uncomfortable. The crazy people made him nervous. They had no order, most of them. He refrained from going to the community area because he spent most of the time following behind everyone else picking up after them or straightening what they’d put out of order.
He couldn’t even be sure what put him there. He didn’t know what he’d done to deserve this punishment. That was how he saw it - as a prison sentence. There was another person in there who thought germs were bad; but he thought that germs were going to kill him. He wore a face mask, the little paper kind that dentists wore. It annoyed Ash because it made Ash look even crazier by being lumped in with his sort.
He had gotten so frustrated with it that he spent an entire day repeating himself to the man, called Scott, about how useless the little paper separater was and how the germs that would kill him would leech through his skin. He said it so many times, it was repeated in his sleep and dreams as well resulted in a raw throat from talking so much. However, the next day Scott arrived, mask still present, but plastic gloves over his hands and long sleeves covering his arms.
Ash had sighed and shook his head, disappointed. However, he opted not to get into the debate again, Scott would never understand.
He, in the break down he’d had, forgot much of what had led up to it. He couldn’t put his finger on what had gone wrong or anything bad that had happened to him. He was too focused on the simple tasks of order and keeping that order. Not a wrinkle escaped him. There were no pits of dirty or filth around him and his day was extraordinarily structured.
The thing that got to him the most was that he couldn’t be at school. That he hadn’t seen his family and that he severely missed Tawney. However, when he consciously thought about missing her and didn’t just let the emotion seep over him he realized that she didn’t want him anymore. He couldn’t really pin point that that fact had been the final straw piled on the dozen of other stresses he’d had that he didn’t even realize he’d had, starting with his first week at the Academy. That week made him think of his brothers, who were clearly absent from his life. His father had manipulated him, his friends had been kidnapped, he’d been kidnapped, he’d been experimented on, he’d been lost in the Dreaming, he’d been attacked by monsters and still all of that unAsh like behavior had not been things he could associate with having been part of the cascade that causes this.
“Ash, someone is here to see you.” The nurse told him. Ash’s head turned from the piece of paper he’d turned to be even with the table’s edge, and fixed again after he decided it wasn’t straight enough. He did it again, in the silence that engulfed them. He sighed when the paper fell from the desk top from how many times he’d changed it’s position.
“My concentration is lacking today. It’ll take me a few moments to get this in order.” He said. He didn’t really hear her words, nor could he tangibly associate that a person - that he likely cared about and would want to see on any given day - was there to see him. He heard, instead, that she wanted to interrupt his routine. “I have to…it has to be perfect.” He said laying both hands flat on the paper and very carefully - almost to the point it couldn’t be seen - moved the paper so it was flush with the edge. What he couldn’t see, that the nurse probably could, as she was able to see the bigger picture, was that the paper wasn’t cut perfectly so it would never fully line up on both sides.
“Ashton, they’re waiting - really I think you’ll be glad to see them. Come on.” She urged gently.
He was already defeated by the fact that she had disrupted his order so a little more wouldn’t make that big of a difference; so he surmised then. Later, he might pitch a fit that had been ruined, but then he yielded.
He climbed to his feet and padded lightly behind her. He didn’t even look like Ash, it was because he didn’t eat as regularly as he should (he had, from time to time, convinced himself that the food was contaminated - or he just hadn’t factored it in to his schedule) nor did he sleep much. He was but a shadow of the real Ash, consumed by some internal demons he couldn’t quite wrangle. But he was trying, at least the fighting sensible internal Ash was trying to round them up with the external Ash floated around in a haze.
All of the Lionel kids, regardless of what they had gone through, were strong-Diane had witnessed it and recognized it for what it was. She had seen them at their worst, or at least she had thought so-this, however, was an Ash she had never seen and never expected to. But it didn’t show on her face-it was only in her heart that any sort of despair and sadness was felt.
She let a smile cross her face, small and soft enough to convey Diane’s natural warmth. “Hey kid-it’s good to see you. I missed having lunch with you.” She said honestly, taking the seat nearest to Ash she was given to sit in. Diane took in a soft breath, watching Ash and hoping to gauge how she was supposed to respond to something so foreign to her.
“Lunch? Did I miss lunch?” Ash blinked a few times in confusion and looked back up at the nurse who was heading away to give them time to speak in private. It was rather obvious that she would be no help as it if he’d had lunch or not. He couldn’t remember having missed lunch - of course he couldn’t remember having had lunch either.
He couldn’t entirely understand the concept that she often had lunch with him when she was waiting for Nate and he was between classes. “Wednesdays.” He snapped his fingered as he let his sunken, dark eyes fall back on her. It was only then that he recognized it was Diane sitting across from him.
There was moment of conflict on his face and it was mirrored in his gesture as he jerked his hands up to embrace her but just as quickly snapped them back into his lap and laced his fingers together so tightly that his knuckles turned white. He shook his head with great effort as he watched his hands, opting not to touch her. He had almost smiled and looked brighter, for a flicker of a second.
Diane was quiet for a moment, despite his having asked a question-she didn’t know how to answer it. Ash was the sort of record every detail, to have it all organized quite easily in his head-the idea that he didn’t know what she was talking about hadn’t occurred to her. Therefore when he answered his own question, a small smile of relief crossed Diane’s face and she nodded. “Yeah-you’re right. Wednesdays. Every Wednesday you and I have lunch together are eleven thirty. Corner table, coffee for me and root beer for you-we’ll do that again.”
“Wednesday.” He hummed methodically and nodded. He closed his eyes and pressed the heels of his hands in his eyes sockets as he rubbed them hard between the wrinkled forehead and slight groan. “I did miss it.” He whispered as he pulled his hands away. “I won’t again. I’m sorry.” He looked over to her. “I was…eleven thirty - folding my shirts. I fold my shirts at eleven thirty and then my pants at twelve. I’m sorry.” He said again. It was a daily routine for Ash, not a weekly one that was rotated through and different chores were done. Each day he did the same thing, it was his form of control.
There was more destruction and sadness exposed to the Lionel bunch in the last few years than Diane could remember every being there. Some days, on the bad ones, Diane could really believe that cosmos had misaligned and created a taboo against anyone that crossed their path. Seeing Ash there, so very unlike Ash despite the fact that he still, underneath the hollowness, looked like Ash-that made the bad luck, the bad everything, obvious for Diane and it made optimism hard to reach.
However, she refused to let that show on her face. She was as honest as she could be and she put forth a front when need be too. There was no question that Ash didn’t need to see pity or sadness-that the more she was like Diane, the better it might be for him.
“So-I have something for you. It’s from Payton-um. He couldn’t come in here today…he wanted me to give you this though. That is if you want it-I could read it for you, out loud if you want.” Diane leaned forward slightly, holding it out far enough for him to take without pressuring him to. “Or you could read it on your own.”
“Payton?” Ash said the name, and it sounded foreign on his tongue as he did. It was as if he didn’t know who that person was, despite the fact that he quite obviously did. “No…good; that’s good. It’s good.” He said. “Good. Yes that’s good. It’s good.” Ash looked up to Diane. “That he didn’t come. It’s good. I - uh - I…I’m, no. He shouldn’t come. I…this isn’t Ash. I’m Ashton.” He poked himself in the chest before reaching up and plucking at his hair. “Ashton. Payton - he knows Ash. I…that’s good.” He finished before dropping his head forward in shame.
He rubbed hard against his legs with the flats of his palms and cringed. “It’s good to see you too.” He told her in a soft, almost shy child-like voice. He smoothed them harder, enough that he was pressing his thighs flat as he did. He then placed his feet flat on the ground so his knees were at a 90 degree angle bend. He looked back up to her. His hands were wrapped in bandages as were his fingertips - of which he had rubbed raw, to the point of bleeding, from how much he took to smoothing things.
He swallowed hard as he looked at the neatly folded paper. He quickly diverted his eyes. “Maybe…uh,” he closed his eyes and his voice trembled a little as he paled further before a soft pink mate its way to his sunken cheeks. “Maybe you should read it - I…I can’t touch it.” He said, visibly trembling before peeking over at her. “Please mom number two, please read it for me.”
Sometimes she was referred to as ma by Ash - his own mother was mom but Diane had long since earned a term of endearment. Other times mom, or mother, number two. Occasionally he called her Diane - but very rarely. “Please.” He asked again in an almost pitiful begging manner.
“Okay-you got it, kid. I’ll read it for you.” She unfolded the paper, smoothing it out so it was as straight as she could make it before she took a soft breath and glanced towards Ash. The smile widened slightly before fading away, her eyes back on the page and scanning the written words before she spoke.
“Dear Ash-“ She squared her shoulders slightly, biting on the inside of her lip for a moment before going on, focusing more on reading the words than hearing whatever it was they intended to say. She was aware that he might not get a word she said-that it might all fly by over his head. All she hoped was that when he was better, he would remember it and appreciate it for what it was. “-I’m sorry that I can’t see you today. I wanted to-I was going to. But, even though I don’t know how to explain the why, I can’t do it. I do, however, want to remind you of something-something you had said to me that I don’t know if you ever quite heard yourself.”
“You told me that we’ll always have trials-ones that are tougher than others and that last longer than the one before and ones so insignificant that we ignore them until they become important. I agree with you still-but you also told me that we just had to cope with it or expect the worst. I don’t think that is the case-I think things can be okay. I think they will be okay too-you’re going to be okay, Ash. Because there is the good with each trial, there is always some sort of good that keeps us going-you were right there too. I just don’t think you ever really trusted yourself to believe it-but I’ll help you do that too. In whatever way I possibly can, I will help make sure you are better than okay.” Diane paused for a moment before she folded it along the creases again, her eyes trained down for a second.
“Love Payton.” She added softly, eyes trailing back up to Ash.
Diane took in a soft breath-there was nothing more that she wanted then to stand up and take him with them now-to take him home and nurse him back to health. But a part of her feared, childishly so, that he might not be able to be brought back to health. She hadn’t really comprehended what it took to get Ash here so the idea of him getting better was hard to grasp.
He wasn’t looking at her but he was listening to her words - to the once Payton meant for him to know. If he detached himself enough he could hear his older brother’s voice saying the words. “Stay Gold Ponyboy.” He added off handedly, and seemingly unrelated, before glancing back up to Diane.
“We all going to help you, actually. Whatever that entails-we love you, kid. We all do-Brooklyn and West and Caitlin and Payton…your mom and me too.” She tipped her head lightly to the side, offering the warmest of smiles. “That is if you’ll let us help.”
“Cameron.” Ash swallowed hard. “Cameron too? Maybe? He’s - we…I miss him too. He’s one of us.” Ash had been the only one that had taken to Cameron, it never occurred to him that she might not even know who he was. He didn’t know how far, when he was sane, how much Jax told her about the rest of his family. As far as Ash knew Jax might not have told Diane he had a brother named Preston, let alone a son with his brother’s wife.
“I told him - dinner…he was going to come with me. I missed that too.” Ash shrugged. “He probably wouldn’t have anyway. He’s afraid to be liked by the rest of us.” It was a reflex, a defensive statement to explain away any misgivings he or Cameron might have had. Even that was just a reflexive statement too - he didn’t know that he meant it simply because he didn’t know what he was feeling. Feelings were lost on Ash right then, it was the only way to keep him from now having a melt down.
“And Tawney. No - no not her. I guess she wouldn’t miss me.” He let his head fall forward. “Or love me.” He furrowed his brow in confusion. “Why?” His lips barely moved, letting the word hardly leave his mouth.
“Why doesn’t she love me? Why do you? Why? What…what did I do? What…” his eyes trailed back to the letter and his eyebrows turned down at the ends to match the small honest frown on his face. He’d heard every word that she said - that Payton had meant to tell him. They even sunk in, to a level that hurt and confused him because he couldn’t entirely understand what it meant. He knew that he should know what it meant. He knew that he should get it easily but logic - Ash logic in a high intellect fashion - was absent from him. He was still working on control and order, those came first - because they could be manipulated by him. Abstract thought had no ryhym or reason and he couldn’t put it in neat little rows.
He scowled. “Dear Payton. I don’t understand.” He said in a low pained voice, which cracked against his frustration of not being able to grasp what he knew he should be able to. “Love Ashton Paul Lionel. Apl…if you say it together it sounds like apple. Mom used to call me Apple - even dad too sometimes.”
“What’s okay?” He looked over to her. “It’s going to be okay? Where is okay - what does that mean? Something’s not okay. What’s not okay? Help?” He cringed a little. “Let you help…yes, yes help. I just - I don’t know what help is, what okay is. If - if I could understand that…” Ash trailed off, it occurred to him then, that if he knew what either of those things meant or why he might want to be okay or need help that he wouldn’t need either to begin with.
He bowed his head again and let his shoulders hang in defeat. “Yes. Help me.” He glanced over at her. “Levin…he doesn’t need help. Doesn’t ask for it. Ash either. I think Apple does though. I just - how? Why?” He squeezed his eyes shut to shake his head remorsefully. “I want to fix it - I just - I wish I knew that something was wrong.” When his eyes opened he spotted the rug beneath her feet, which was out of order. The little tassles on the end of it was a mess of disarray to his ever critical eyes. Ash, typical Ash, would notice but do his best to ignore it - and usually he would win, when he wouldn’t, he could at least make it until everyone was out of the room.
This Ash had no buffer for such things. He immediately dropped to his hands and knees smoothing out the fibers as he went on mumbling about what help was before he paused only long enough, with his face still facing the carpet bristles, “Again please. Please ma, read it again.” It was a fleeting effort, of which he wouldn’t be able to recognize right then, to understand what he’d told Payton and what Payton had learned form that lesson that he should in turn re-learn. “Help.” He said softly as he went back to running his gauzed hands against the floor.
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“Um…hi. I uh…my name is Tawney. I don’t know if that even really matters but uh-my friend. He’s here…he’s here and I want to know if I can see him. Can you tell him I want to see him? Ash-his name is Ash. Ashton Lionel. Do you need to know his birthday or his height or something…I don’t know.” She had completely missed Diane’s car outside as well as Payton in it-she was too preoccupied with getting into the building. The receptionist quieted Tawney, promising to find out if she could see him right then.
Tawney wasn’t so much nervous as she was terrified-she knew what it took to hurt Ash enough to make his disorder overcome him.She had a theory of what had happened-she had been told of what she had acted like, of what she had done too, and been speechless at hearing the news. Even still she didn’t believe it-she thought maybe someone was playing a trick on her for having worried them all. But the more she thought about, the more ironic it became-how ironic it would be had what she thought happened was what really did.
John Tapelle had long ago been after them, attempting to take their genes and recreate humans of his own...an Ash and Tee...all his own that he could manipulate and send out into the world as he saw fit. It was Maxine Vox, not Tawney, that had broken Ash's heart...that had destroyed him with Tawney's face and body, so that Ash thought it was her instead. She was plucked and placed into a magical realm, left to die, while her counterpart caused so much trouble. It was the scariest prospect to Tee...that her life was being destroyed without her control.
“Am I wrinkly-wrinkles, do I have them?” She asked suddenly, eyes sweeping up to Ty, Ash's uncle in many ways that had come with her. There was a heavy frown on her face as she stepped back and moved to smooth out whatever wrinkles might be in her uniform. She was still dressed in the Academy uniform she had been wearing when she had been taken away. Tawney’s hands went to her hair too, smoothing out whatever might be out of place. “This place…its not him, this isn’t…”
She sighed, dropping her hands to her side. Tawney’s eyes flickered towards the doors the woman had gone through, hoping she would come in and tell her it was okay to see Ash-and hoping that she would come in and say it wasn’t. “Everything is so freaking out of place-I should have changed first-I knew it too but I didn’t.” She mumbled, shaking her head with another heavy sigh.
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“Ash-Ash, you have another visitor. Would you like to see them?”
Ash didn’t hear a thing she said, he was focused on the rug. He was so focused on the rug he didn’t notice the nurse and all their talk was just background noise of which was secondary to the fibers before him. He was a slave to their very nature.
The nurse said the same thing several times and she bent to touch his shoulder but stopped; knowing he was stuck in one of his loops that would no doubt set him off if she actually made physical contact with him.
“A VISITOR!" She shouted at a good distance from him. Verbally was the only type of contact he could stand, she knew it after having dealt with him for a week. It was just a matter of getting his attention at this point. Once she could, she could wrangle Ash but not when he was focused - hence the bandages.
He stopped, but simply remained frozen in his current position. He stared at the carpet entertaining her words. Very carefully he leaned back on his heels and sunk down in his spot. “What time is it?” He asked, not turning his head to the nurse or Diane. It was as if the chaos button had been reset and he forgot that his order was already disrupted.
“My concentration is lacking.” He said slowly in the same repeated defeat that was becoming affixed to him. He’d forgotten what he was doing already. He turned and looked at the pretty little nurse. He cringed and had to look away. It wasn’t evident what had made him flinch. Ash, however saw it - the insanity of her scrubs. She was wearing ones with little teddy bears on it. They were at odd angles and a variety different bears - enough that they were making him a little crazy.
“Yes, whatever, please just go.” He said, with his eyes diverted from her. From then forward he knew he would never be able to look at her again - provided she was wearing the same scrubs.
He turned to look at Diane. It was almost as if he was surprised to see her; that he’d forgotten she was there. She was not part of his daily routine and therefore she was excluded when the reset button switched in his head back to start over.
He studied her for a moment and his eyes caught sight of the paper in her hand. He reached out to take it from her - vaguely remembering that it was a letter to him. He recoiled away from it when his fingers almost made contact with it. “No…no I can’t…” he said pulling himself up into the chair.
“Oh no…” he said, the little dark circles under his eyes stretching out on the look of horror on his face. “Do you think that’s Payton? It’s probably Payton…he can’t see me like this - why? Why did I tell her it was okay? Teddy bears! Teddy Bears! That’s why.” He told Diane, his throat closing up a little with fear. His fingers went into his hair and he tugged on it quite hard making sure it was just right; meanwhile pulling hard enough to tug little clumps out.
As they fell from his fingertips, he realized that they were littering the floor and as a result he was on his hands and knees again picking each strand up one at a time. “He’s going to hate me…hate…I’m…just hate…” he whimpered as he felt, despite his own fighting against it a line of liquid trace his bottom eye lid. He, most of all, didn’t want to be not liked by those he loved. “Don’t hate me ma, don’t let Payton hate me. I’ll clean it up - all of it. I didn’t mean for the mess.”'
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"This way." The nurse told Tawney.
“That way it is then-he’s not in a padded room, is he? Did you take away his shoelaces-if you did, where’d you put them? He loves those shoelaces…well probably not but he at least likes them. He’s not going to hurt himself with them…unless they’re dirty or battered or something. Maybe then-oh. Here.” Tawney stood beside the nurse for a moment, having fallen silent from her rambling. It felt odd to even speak-despite the words coming out of Tawney, she couldn’t even remember what she had said. She stood for a moment, rocking on her heels before nodding her head to the door.
Tawney saw Diane first and her eyebrows immediately shot up, a frown crossing her face. “Oh I didn’t…” She stopped however, eyes settling on Ash.
However long it had been in tangible time was lost on Tawney-all she knew was that her whole heart, her whole person, had hurt for the time she spent away from Ash and it had taken all over effort to keep herself distracted from that pain. And the moment she heard what had happened, it was like her ability to distract herself from it was lost and suddenly every amount of pain and sadness she had felt swept over her.
Tawney could remember when he had been sick, when he had crawled into the corner of the bed and pleaded for her to set aside the medicine. And she could remember vividly how terrified she had been of the hold something as miniscule, to her, as disorder and germs and just the world had on Ash.
This, however, was a leap beyond that fear-although she didn’t know what he was doing on the ground, it was the plea she heard the end of that caught Tawney and stopped her fully in her spot, still some few feet from where Diane and Ash were.
It was near impossible for her to tell herself that Ash-the real Ash, that her Ash-was underneath whatever this Ash was. She hadn’t a clue, even still, the extent of the damage but it was enough fear to mix with the absence and pain she felt from it to move her from panic to complete blankness. It was only once she heard Diane’s voice, her hand softly touching Tawney’s forearm, that Tawney jerked back-she hadn’t a clue what the woman had said but it was enough to lead her away from her spot and closer towards where Ash was.
Ash flinched a little when Diane got up. He had no idea what made her get up but he saw her feet leave his canvas like view from the periphery. It was like a blurry side of the painting though as he was so focused on the subject matter - the hairs cluttering the floor.
Tawney had no clue where Diane had gone after that-if she was still standing or had left the room. The nurse, for all she cared, could still be in there-Tyson and all the other patients in the hospital-Tawney wouldn’t have noticed if it was packed wall to wall with people.
“Ash…” She choked out softly, kneeling down just before the beginning of the rug rather than sitting in the chair Diane had been in before. Tawney forced herself to watch him, to try and find some semblance of Ash on his face. “Hey Ashman…it’s me. Tawney…Tee…Gusty too. Ash…” Tawney breathed out quietly. She wasn’t sure what to do-every part of her was breaking just at the thought of what brought him to this point and how it wasn’t his fault. How he didn’t ask for this and how it was a matter of misconception and a matter of something neither of them could control.
It would be a lie to say he hadn’t thought of Tawney. He thought of her a lot. He thought of how much he’d loved her; how much fun they had and how much he missed who they’d been. There was order in her discord. She had been the yin to his yang. She had made him whole. Of all the things that he’d gone through her brazen and detached as well as uncaring and unfeeling dismissal of him had been the final straw among a myriad of things he could have handled had she been by his side.
Ash, more than anything wanted to be accepted by those he found amazing. He wanted to be loved, but he’d never say it. Perhaps he was too proud or perhaps he was too afraid of rejection; either way that part didn’t show. Her pushing him away so simply had been the first step of something he could have coped with - had she given him a reason. That was the second phase to his breakdown.
She could have broken up with him, she could have taken his heart and jumped all over it, but if she had done it with purpose he could have put understanding to the reason. He wouldn’t have been happy but he wouldn’t be broken either. He would have been crushed, but he would have had string with which to stitch the wound back together. There was no one else that had the same power over him - she alone had that ability.
He heard her voice and thought for sure it was one of the many fabrications he’d put together. The very same ones that sent him into panicked cleaning frenzies.
He stopped again. The hairs fell from his fingers sprinkling across the floor.
He swallowed hard, frozen in his spot. The tears that were lining his eyes gathered and a few of them fell onto the backs of his hands which were what was perching him up on his hands and knees.
“You’re not Payton.” He said in a stiff voice, the lump in his throat obstructing his actual words. He blinked a few times in an attempt to catch the tears before they could fall. He drew his head up to look at her - unaware that she was actually real; not a fabrication.
“No…I…not really. I could pretend to be…I’m sure my Payton impression is pretty good.” Tawney said quietly-the words were meant to be in jest but the tone, the lack of enthusiasm Tawney usually held. And there was a force to it that she didn’t usually have either-Tawney was a rambler by nature, speaking what came to her head before it could be censored and her words, this time, were all filtered twice over before she uttered them.
“It’s a mess.” He told her, but it wasn’t clear what he was talking about as it pertained to so many things. He scrambled back away from her and pressed himself flat against the leg of the chair he’d been sitting in. “Who are you?” He asked frantically rubbing his fingertips on his pants.
“No…I can’t - I can’t touch it.” He told her looking away from her as he rubbed faster against the fabric. He didn’t recognize her entirely, he couldn’t place her voice either - mostly because, despite his thoughts of her, he’d blocked them out too. Ash, for all intents and purposes, had become a walking contradiction. “Teddy bears, that’s good…good I think. Read it again, apple, again and again. Order!” He finally barked out stopping the cascade of random things that were flashing through his mind. The shout made Tawney jump in her spot, stunned and truly terrified by his melt down before her eyes. She had no way of picking Ash back up right then, she had somehow lost Ash to himself and he couldn't be pulled back.
In his outburst, the nurse arrived. “Ashton…is everything okay?”
“Yes.” He nodded quickly and climbed carefully up into the chair. “Yes…yes - I’m just lacking in concentration today. It’s good. That’s good.” He said taking in a short shaky breath. He blinked several times. “Tell mom number two Wednesday…eleven thirty.” He was very pointed about it to the nurse. Carefully he reached out and paused before he touched her. There was a moment in which it seemed as if he would actually take her wrist; but he drew his hand back and placed it in his lap. “Please tell her. Thank you.”
He let his head fall forward a little and he sank down in his chair. “You should sit.” He told Tawney. “Right there, over - in that…that chair.” He pointed to the one across from him. “Why?” He asked, but didn’t expand upon that concept at first. “Why…” he tried again, licking his dry lips. He leaned over toward where she was on the floor and gingerly moved his hand out to touch first her shoulder. When his hand came within centimeters of it he snapped it back. He, since his arrival, had touched no one.
“Just tell me why and it can be all better…okay…fixed…helped…I think - I…I’m pretty sure I can make it okay by myself if I just know. I know - I mean I think I know. Yes, I know.” He leaned back on the chair and tucked his hands under his legs. “Me…? Is it just me? I…I think I can even fix that. I’ve almost got it now. I - just a few more days and it’ll be perfect.”
Ash had absolutely no idea that he wasn't gluing together cohesive statements - because they were complete thoughts in his head didn't mean they were translating to complete sentences.
“Ash-“ Tawney said quietly, trying to catch his attention but failing quite miserably. She dropped her head for a moment, reaching up and forcing the tears away with her thumb. “No…Ash, no…I…no.” She shook her head, eyes flickering back up to rest on his.
He could, quite clearly, remember Ash. He could remember Ash with Tawney. Ash with West. Ash with Payton. Ash in class. Ash arriving at the Academy. The trouble with his brothers, the Sluagh, kissed by a mermaid (which made him pucker his face into a sour expression), being nearly drown and frozen all at once, mud, manipulated…it started to all go downhill until he slapped his hands to the side of his head. “NO! I don’t want to remember that.” He gritted his teeth. “Just stop thinking - shut it off, squish.” He mumbled.
He sat for a moment with his hands pressed over his ears and his eyes held tightly shut - listening to her words through the muffled sound his hands were causing.
“Okay.” He said finally, taking his hands away and peering up to her.
“You don’t need to be fixed-you’re Ash, remember? I’m Tawney and you’re Ash-packaged deal, right? I…I don’t know what you’re asking. I want to tell you why but…” She stopped, eyes locked onto him for a moment. Tawney wasn’t stupid-not by any means. But she was oblivious to quite a bit and it was a matter of her slowly coming to her senses before she really understood what was going on in situations like this. When she did, however, her shoulders slumped a little more.
She knew Ash-perhaps that’s why a part of her knew what he was asking the moment he had uttered ‘why’. But the Ash she knew wasn’t this one-Tawney only hoped the question came from the part she knew, buried deep underneath this chaotic mess. “There isn’t a why-Ash, it wasn’t me. Something happened, I don’t know all the details because I haven’t really had the time to figure it out but I know that…that whatever I said to you before…whatever mean thing I said, it wasn’t me.”
If Ash were not the complex mush of basic parts he was then he would know that order and consistency should be forgone; that they could talk through this. He knew that he knew Tawney. He would also be able to tell that the other person had not been Tawney. It was a week of her ignoring him and that led to the baby steps of his melt down - simply because it wasn’t like her.
That Ash, the real one that was buried beneath layers and layers of social disorder, would also be super disappointed that he was losing something that was he had but was his fear of not having all along - her admiration of him, her belief that he was strong. He would be even more disappointed in himself, and likely would when he dug himself out of the mess he was in, that he was responsible for her loosing that respect.
Someday he would kick himself. Someday he’d be mad that he was the wedge. Today he couldn’t grasp the concept that he was doing harm because Ash simply wasn’t capable of it. Dozens and dozens of psychoses were weighing down and chaining that Ash.
She and Ash were of the same makeup when it came to those that mattered most to them-they couldn’t careless about the outside world but when it came to those they loved, they wanted to be accepted and loved back. “I like just you…I love just Ash. He’s already perfect enough and I…” She reached up again, pushing away a tear or two that had managed to escape her. “I don’t know what I’d do without him. I didn’t mean to hurt you…it wasn’t your fault or mine…it wasn’t me, Ash. Do you understand that-do you believe it? I…I’d never hurt you, you know. I can’t do this without you-we need each other, don’t we? I know I need you…if I had to choose between not having you and having you, you’d win every time. I choose you, Ash.”
He frowned. “You love just Ash?” He asked, a flash of the authentic Ash appeared for a moment as he stiffened in his spot. His eyes caught hers and he let them linger on her face for a moment. He was studying her, looking for something that would tell him she was Tawney. The one he’d told her he wanted - the one he wanted to see if she found it again. He couldn’t tell if it was her or not. He was too confused.
“Yeah-I love just Ash. I love Ash…you know him, right? Ashton Lionel…that Ash. You.” She took in a soft breath. “I love you, Ashman.”
He sucked in a breath and looked away, pulling his hand out from under his legs and rubbing his legs. “No - you…what is this? Why,” he grunted and ran his finger through his hair, “are you trying to trick me?”
He stood up and put even more space between them. He so desperately wanted to believe her, he didn’t even know how much he wanted to, but he did and that was what was making him hurt so badly right then. “This is a game - you; you might not have meant it and it might not have been you but you…this is you here and now and it’s - confusing. Tee…” he sniffled. “Tee…”
He turned away from her. “Better.” He said again before turning in his spot and looking her over again. It was only then that he saw her for what she really was and who she really was. He didn’t know if she was telling the truth or if it was some sort of mean joke she’d played on him; but he did know that he wanted it righted. He wanted to be right again. He didn’t want to be there - he hated this place because it kept him away from the people he loved. He was afraid that they wouldn’t love him now, because of all the trouble he’d caused and all the embarrassment he would cause them.
He came back around the chair and stood for a moment in front of her. “I loved a Tawney Valentine once…I was better for it then.” He told her honestly. “She made me better.” His kneed gave, intentionally, and he collapsed against her touching all the parts of his body that he could against her as he wrapped his arms around her and held on tight.
He buried his face against her hair and rested his cheek against her shoulder. "Better..." he whispered.
She smelled like Tawney, she talked and walked like Tawney. He knew he should let her go - he knew he was holding her long than he should. He couldn’t gather up the will to let her go. He didn’t want to either. He was actually comfortable there. It was so cold separated from people. Touching her, leaning against her, was warm.
His gauzed fingertips clung to her shirt and dug there to hold on to her as best he could. The words were still floating around in his head; that she loved him. She had said it - she said them out loud. Tawney said that she loved him. He was having difficulty getting past that to remember the horrible things Vox had said to him which were what caused the final straw.
“Shhhh….” He whispered quietly into the strands of her hair. He didn’t want to cover up the professions of love with anything; let alone sadness and painful things. There was a moment of release, a second where Ash felt hungry and tired - where he hated this placed consciously and wanted nothing more than to go back to class. He wanted to be with her in their booth at the mall. He wanted her to prod him to smile and to fight it tooth and nail.
It was also in that moment that something clicked in his head; he nuzzled his chin against her shoulder and shifted to a position in which he was more holding her and less clinging to her. There was an override button in which was slammed down, him putting the pieces together. Logic. There was a moment of logic.