Sorry About That
Pairing: Tora/Saga
Rating: R
Genre: Romance, Drama, Angst, Reflection, Oneshot, Songfic
Disclaimer: The song used in this story is Sorry About That by Alkaline Trio. This story comes with its own sound track. >_<
Summary: Without wearing a stitch of clothing, we were both deeply in disguise.
(Written for "week 18" prompt at aliceinfiction - prompt image)
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It hasn't been that long
Since we drank to the sunset,
Until it was gone.
“They hate it…they hate me.” Tora spoke softly. His head hung low on his shoulders and he leaned heavily against the countertop before him. He had his face buried in the palms of his hands and his words were muffled against his skin. A moment later, he dropped his hand and his fingers inched across the counter to the heavy glass that had been set before him. There was reluctant resentment amidst mutual adoration for the glass itself as well as the liquid in its confines that was meant to smooth the rough edges of Tora’s emotional state. He lifted it and brought it to his lips; the glass was cool to the touch. He was quick to tip it backwards and let the liquid slide down his throat. It was deceivingly hot on his throat as it raced down to warm his belly. It was the only feeling that could distract him from his own inner turmoil.
“No they don’t.” An equally soft voice came from beside him; the only difference was that this one was full of worry and a small bit of doubt whereas Tora’s had simply been defeated. Saga ran a hand through his blonde hair, tugging slightly at the ends in his frustration at that situation Tora was forced to deal with. Saga hated to hear it -- it was difficult to bare.
It was a rollercoaster of conviction and doubt that they had all found themselves involved in. Nao, with the most innocent hope of them all, seemed to be the back bone they had needed to push forward with the music they made. They were virtually new to each other; yet it hadn’t been long after their first decision to form a band that they evolved into friends. And for that reason, they had quickly started to rely on each other most for support and encouragement. It had initially taken Tora’s effort to convince Shou not to give up on his musical dream and join the new band instead. Now, however, it was Tora’s turn to be reminded of what it was they were trying to accomplish with Alice Nine.
“They don’t hate, Tora-san-they can’t hate. Not you or what it is you do. They are just worried for you; they misunderstand it. And you misunderstand them and their worry. No parents want their child to grow up a struggling musician. All they see is the hardship, not the benefit. Here-“ Saga patted his own chest lightly before he bowed his head. “-they don’t see that it’s there. They don’t see that you love it.”
Tora turned his eyes towards Saga, watching him closely for a beat before he returned the small bow. “I do love it.” He confessed softly, more soft than Tora usually was, and Saga nodded in agreement. “I wish for them to see it, that’s all. Just for a moment to see that…it doesn’t matter if we are never plastered on billboards or in magazine spreads. I think - I truly believe - that if they could see how much I love it, they would yield.”
Tora sighed heavily, running his finger tips methodically along the rim of the cup. “We don’t have to have success in order to do what we love. You and I..and Shou and Nao, and little Hiroto…we have promise, Saga-kun. I believe that, I do. I think there are things that we can do together that will make a difference. But even if they don’t, it doesn’t matter. I want to be where I am and I just wish…I wish they understood that.”
Saga was quiet for a beat, while Tora took to finishing off the drink before him. Saga climbed off of his stool, circling around to the other side of the counter with the intention to close some of the distance physically and to offer Tora comfort instead. They were in Tora’s apartment, the day’s dying sunlight still peeking into the small room. The clouds were heavy and gray as the nighttime settled over the city.
Saga picked up the bottle of liquor that had been set aside. He took the cap off the top as he spoke. “We understand it, we do. All of us-I do. We are doing great things and we will until the very moment this isn’t fun for us. I…I was sure that I wouldn’t be able to find a group of people I felt comfortable enough with to do this and I was wrong. You too are wrong Tora, they don’t hate you. They simply don’t understand yet.”
He poured more of the liquid into Tora’s cup. Saga wasn’t entirely sure how many drinks the guitarist had already had but no part of him was ready to force Tora to stop. If it gave him some sort of reprieve from the pain he felt, Saga wasn’t going to take that away from him. He didn’t quite understand what it was Tora felt, for the simple fact that he had support from his own family, and he found himself incapable of deciding when Tora had too much. Not that Saga’s words would have stopped Tora from drowning his problems in the alcohol which was offering him some semblance of contentment right then, even if artificial.
And down with it went our pain and fear,
As we slowly broke contact more and more,
With every beer.
Tora brought the glass to his lips again, draining a good chunk of the liquid before he set the glass back down on the counter top. “Maybe they are right though.” He licked his lips, pressing them together before he sighed. “Maybe I should just…quit before I fail at this. Before I dishonor my family by becoming a failure to them. I…I..maybe I should just forget it all.” Tora mumbled softly.
At Tora’s words, Saga’s eyebrows came together and he frowned deeply. He leaned against the counter, pushing aside Tora’s glass and the bottle of alcohol. “What? No-no, no. What good does that do?” Tora’s eyes flickered upwards towards Saga and stayed on his. They were glassy and wide, partially from the alcohol running through him and partially from premature tears.
“You can make them proud, Tora-san…by doing what it is you want to do. What you love to do. They may worry now but they will one day see everything you’ve done. They will have reason to be proud; they will see why. No.” Saga shook his head, his eyes never wavering from Tora’s face.
“Give it up if it is not something you love anymore but if you love it, they will love it. Someday, they will love it because you do. And someday they will see that you’re better at it this because you love it than you would be at some other job simply because it will please them.” He told him; there was conviction in Saga’s tone despite the smallest bit of him that worried his words were said in vain. The last thing he wanted was for Tora to have to deal with the pain of losing his passion over his family, or his family over his passion. Saga was determined to prove that Tora could have both.
Tora was quiet for a beat, a stillness washing over the room around them. The sun was still falling behind the horizon, the room’s light growing dimmer and dimmer as the sun set. A moment later, Tora lifted himself up off the stool he sat on and he leaned against the counter in order to keep himself from falling. He was quick to capture Saga’s lips on his, faster than the other man could anticipate his actions. In fact, it took Saga a moment to realize that it was Tora’s warm lips against his.
It could have been the alcohol in him, skewing his inhibitions and making the usually level headed and logical Tora act on impulse. Or, perhaps, it could have been Saga’s words of encouragement that Tora desired so deeply from his parents. That Saga had offered him the push and the affection that he needed so desperately. Either way, the kiss was still full of emotion that Saga could not ignore; it didn’t matter where it came from, the feeling behind the kiss still felt the same and still encouraged him to respond in turn.
Tora’s kiss was slightly uncoordinated, both from the booze and the counter that separated the two of them, but he managed to deepen the kiss at Saga’s urging. Saga wasn’t entirely sure of what it was he was doing; his thoughts, which were questioning every electric and excited feeling racing through him, were drowned out by feral need and desire for more of Tora’s taste.
He had never looked at Tora with hungry eyes nor had he ever thought of the man in a way beyond their friendship. But in that moment, completely taken with feeling and not at all concerned with his thoughts, Saga gave into the sensation alone.
The kiss broke off naturally and neither moved from their spot. Saga’s eyes flickered open only to find that Tora’s were still closed, his breaths coming in soft and deep rhythm. He seemed to be in a world all his own in that moment, almost oblivious of the fact that Saga still stood before him. He was totally taken with the feeling that still coursed through him and the natural high it instilled in the guitarist’s blood. “Tora…” The bassist said softly, a bit of nervous shock in his voice.
“Don’t.” Tora responded suddenly, his deep voice odd in the soft whisper. “Please, don’t speak. I…I don’t want to speak.” He mumbled before he opened his eyes briefly. There was a moment where their eyes met. Silent conversation passed between them and Tora leaned forward again to bring his lips against Saga’s. This time, however, Saga was ready for it.
Tora’s finger tips brushed hastily over the buttons of Saga’s shirt; it hadn’t taken much persuasion on either part to abandon the kitchen for the room deeper in the apartment. He kept his lips against Saga’s, the two of them moving in a sort of blind path towards the bed as neither was interested in where they were going. Tora finally broke away from their seemingly never ending embrace only so he could see his fingers as they failed to pull Saga’s shirt off of him.
His hands shook slightly, from his excitement and the alcohol in him, and it took Saga’s help to get the buttons free from their prisons. It took little effort on Tora’s part to pull the shirt off Saga’s shoulders and toss it haphazardly behind him. The flats of his fingers touched Saga’s chest and a murmur of satisfaction escaped the bassists at Tora’s warm touch.
And we passed out in each other's arms,
Both admitting we'd never felt better.
Never felt so warm.
The sun was setting farther beyond the horizon now; the streaks of pink and orange in the sky had already started to fade away into the deep blue sky. Almost the entire room was flooded in darkness as the storm clouds that had been gathering were growing larger and darker bringing with them deep, threatening rumble of thunder. The earth’s throat grumbled in the storm clouds that challenged the placidity of a clear day. Rain began to fall from them, splattering the windows with fat drops that made a steady rhythm against the glass, making music of their own. That rhythm, Saga was sure, beat at the same rate as their wild and frantic hearts.
Tora’s kisses trailed away from Saga’s lips and moved down the length of his jaw to his neck. His hot breath against Saga’s skin was enough to keep the bassist from concerning himself with his own guilt. Later he would consider the logistics of the situation they were in, his own shame and regret, but right then he felt no other emotion than the ecstasy brought with Tora’s every touch.
“Come with me.” Tora told him in a low voice as his fingers looped through Saga’s belt loops. It didn’t take much effort on the guitarist’s part to get Saga to move to the small bedroom.
The moment the covers had been pulled up over their heads, it was as if the sky had opened up and the storm the clouds were hiding suddenly exploded. Lightening shot through the sky, the sound cracking against the city’s silence. It was dangerous outside as the rain fell harder and faster with each passing second and the lightening threatened to destroy anything in its path. It’s electricity was the same raw passion that drove both Tora and Saga in their heated state.
However, they had lain under the blanket, safely hidden in a cocoon of heated kisses fueled by their desires. They had built their proverbial safe haven, with the emotions that held the good feelings in and kept the bad from penetrating their fortress. All dangers of the world were gone and the storm that threatened them above could not destroy the small but sturdy shelter they had built with each others’ affectionate touches.
But awoke in each other's eyes,
Without wearing a stitch of clothing.
We were both deeply in disguise.
They had laid there in silence for hours after, steady and even breaths as Tora fell in and out of sleep. It was both his contentment with the night and the alcohol that lulled him to sleep having forgotten his family’s disapproval of his profession all together. He was curled up against the pillow, his cheek pressed softly against the surface as Saga watched him through the darkness.
He had tried to find his own contentment, his own comfort and warmth, that would bring him into a peaceful slumber the way that Tora laid. He was certain, even after the moment was over, that he didn’t regret the feelings he had felt. Feelings he wasn’t made aware existed until this very moment.
He was, however, deeply ashamed of what he had allowed himself to succumb to. He had been the one to pour each of Tora’s drinks; he was very much aware of how inebriated the man actually had been. He knew how it wasn’t certain that Tora had had any real concept of what he did and what Saga had encouraged him to do. The two truths and lies seemed to blend in Saga’s head and he couldn’t determine which was actual and which was fabricated.
He touched his own lips, his finger tips brushing past the ring that was pierced through the plump part of his bottom lip. He could still feel Tora’s lips on his; the only difference was that now he feared it was a kiss and a moment of passion that ought not to have been his. Though he desired it, even still.
And maybe I just set aside the fact that you were broken hearted.
In my own special selfish way.
Saga’s eyes trailed down to where Tora lay beside him. He knew every curve of the man’s body, having run his hands along every dip that existed. Saga knew what his soft skin felt like underneath his finger tips and he was certain he wouldn’t ever taste anything as sweet as Tora’s lips again.
The covers were pulled up to Tora’s back but Saga didn’t need to see the rest of him to remember. It was a sight that would never leave him and no part of Saga wanted it to.
It was then that his eyes moved to himself, just as equally exposed. He feared, in that second, that Tora would wake up and see what it was the night had led to. That he would see them both, so very uncovered and vulnerable in all aspects of the word, and would be horrified by it.
Saga didn’t want Tora to hate him from what had happened; to hate him for having enjoyed it and having taken advantage, as far as he was concerned, of a depressed and helpless man. Tora had been hurt and sad and no part of Saga was willing to let Tora deal with the emotional stigma that their affection had been on top of all that he was already dealing with.
And if I hadn't set aside the fact that you were broken hearted.
Hell knows where your heart would be today.
Maybe with me.
Saga carefully moved to the edge of the bed, trying to make no noise as to keep from waking Tora from his slumber. It seemed, however, that the man was far from consciousness as the alcohol easily kept him comfortably asleep. He pushed the covers away from him and reached for the clothing that littered the floor.
The storm outside had settled as steady, soft rain fell from the clouds above. The smallest bit of sunlight could be seen pushing up over the horizon as daytime was only an hour away. The windows were covered in streaks of water, unable to shed their new coat as the rain above was unrelenting.
The cocoon they had built was fizzling in that moment as Saga slipped the clothing on and left the warm vicinity of his new lover. He feared that the warmth and safety he felt earlier that night had been solely his own; that, perhaps, it was a house built by misbegotten affection that wouldn’t last more than the moment had.
He stood up and carefully pulled the blanket up so that it completely covered Tora’s back. The man didn’t move in his spot; he looked peaceful and content where he lay. Saga waited another beat, taking that second to admire him in dying moon light that filtered through the rain streaked window.
It seems like it's been so long
Since we kissed through the darkness,
Until it was dawn.
Up with it came our pain and fear that we'd already lost each other.
We both knew that the end was near.
A moment later, he moved forward and knelt against the top of the bed. Saga touched Tora’s cheek softly, careful to keep from startling the man should he wake up. He didn’t, however, and Saga moved his hand so that his fingers ran lightly through Tora’s dark, soft hair.
“I don’t hate you, Tora-san.” Saga mumbled softly to himself, biting down on his bottom lip. There was a moment where he considered crawling back into the bed; where he considered forgetting guilt and regret and just seizing the comfortable moment while he could. “Even if they do, know that I don’t.”
Saga leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Tora’s forehead, letting his lips linger there for a moment as the warmth spread down through his entire body. Having stolen yet another kiss, Saga felt a jolt of guilt.
Maybe I just set aside the fact that you were broken hearted.
In my own special selfish way.
“I hope you remember.” Saga moved off the bed again, standing up straight in his spot. Tora hadn’t moved in his sleep. Later, Saga knew, he would have to deal with what happened and with the harsh reality that perhaps what feelings had existed in Tora then didn’t exist in his sober state.
But it was the fact that he wasn’t ready to find those out in that moment, that he wanted to keep onto the believing that Tora was clear headed when he first kissed Saga, which forced Saga to abandon the bed. He would hold onto the illusion for long as he could; until Tora found him to either ease his fears or shatter his dreams. “I hope you don’t hate me for it either, Tora-san.” He added quietly before he forced himself to leave the room.
He shut the door softly as he left. Behind him lay the safety, the cocoon of warmth and affection, that would protect him from the storm that raged outside. He only hoped the door wouldn’t be shut forever.
And if I hadn't set aside the fact that you were broken hearted.
Hell knows where your heart would be today.
Maybe with me.
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Authors' Note:
Mandy & Jackie: Thanks for reading dudes. :D We are really grateful for it and we hope you could catch onto the inspiration from the picture. :D If not, its in the storm outside and the comfort they have with each other. The house in the picture represents them and the storm outside represents the evils of the world and all of the pain and heartache that the house protects them from. :D
We hope you enjoyed!! Thanks again!!