Mercy Me - Chapter Twelve | Give Us Something To Believe In
(This is a sequel to the story God Bless Catastrophe - we recommend you read that first.)
Pairings In This Chapter: Tora/Saga
Pairings Overall: Tora/Saga, Nao/OMC
Rating: R (solid)
Genre: Drama, Action, Adventure, Angst, Dark, Chaptered fic, Fantasy, Supernatural
Summary: Danger and peril are different; though they often overlap when one is ignored for too long. Both lurk in the most inconspicuous places, though sometimes they reach the forward attention of all involved. In the heart of such a place, in the heat of grave risk, is it possible to find any sliver of hope? Can optimism linger in the minds and hearts of those beaten and abused for a cause not meant for their knowledge? How far can one be pushed before they truly break?
I’m not exactly sane…are you?
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Saga stood at the sink of the small bathroom attached to the bedroom; his palms were pressed flat against the surface of the counter and he hunched his shoulders inward, his head hanging low against his chest. None of them had slept yet, not since the night before, and though Saga knew he needed sleep, his eyes were wide open. The moment they had all dismissed themselves, Saga had returned to the room with Tora only to excuse himself to the confines of the lavatory.
He knew that on the other side of the door behind him was safety; in the form of soft sheets and a comfortable pillow but also in the form of a warm embrace. He would not doubt finding Tora seated on the futon, legs tucked up underneath him and a look of concern and empathy on his face. Yet Saga couldn’t bring himself to leave the sink, the grisly images imprinted in his mind were keeping him rooted in his spot. He, unlike the rest, had not had any exposure to the gruesome events that transpired around the lives they’d found themselves in. He was safe from the sight, sound and smell of it; left only with mental images he’d conjured on his own after having been told of the horrors they faced.
Ono was important to them and yet he had suffered in place of them; it could have easily been Tora in the snow. Tora’s blood covering Saga’s entire body, and Tora’s eyes closed with the possibility of never opening again. The mere thought of it made Saga’s stomach lurch violently; his fingers curled over the edge of the sink, gripping it tightly as he doubled over in physical and emotional agony.
The sounds of Saga retching no doubt drew Tora’s attention from the room beyond; the door to the bathroom was open in an instant and Tora’s soft steps fell against the floor as he moved to Saga’s side. His hand rest against Saga’s back, rubbing it softly as to comfort the man until his heaves subsided. After he rinsed his mouth and ran a hand over his dry lips, Tora guided him away from the skin by his elbows, forcing him to sit down on the covered toilet, worried that Saga was too weak to move further than that.
“Thank you.” Saga said quietly, though it seemed loud in the small room. Tora offered a small nod and smile before he moved to find a washcloth. The bassist’s eyes fell to his hands that were resting in his lap. His knuckles were starting to turn white as he squeezed his hands into fists, a soft sigh escaping him. He could still feel the warm blood on his skin, soaked through the clothing he had worn. Tora had helped him physically wash away the remnants of it on his skin, scrubbing it until it was pink and dry from how much soap had been used. Yet Saga didn’t fell any cleaner than he had been before. In fact he almost felt dirtier and more full of filth.
He ran his hand hard across the surface of his forearm, rubbing it over and over again as if it would rid him of that feeling. Saga could feel his skin tingling from the pressure he was placing against it, unable to stop himself from scratching and rubbing at his skin to rid it of nonexistent blood.
“Saga-san…Saga, stop.” Tora’s sharp voice cut through the stillness of the room, his eyes falling heavily on where his lover sat. Saga’s skin was red and raw, the coloring vibrant against his usually light skin. Tora had moved to him, crouching before Saga as he gently pried the man’s fingers away from his arm. “What are you doing-this is not good. You’re shaking…Saga-speak to me…look at me. I worry. “ Tora took careful hold of both of his hands, lacing his fingers with Saga’s as he tried to pour every ounce of warmth and comfort he could into the touch so long as it eased Saga’s anxiety.
Tora was truly worried for Saga’s well being and mental health in that moment, simply because of the obvious distress written across his usually calm and shy eyes. It hurt Tora to see his lover in that much pain, that beaten, and it took all of his will power not to gather him up in his arms and hold him if he thought it would help. If Saga gave indication that was what he wanted it Tora would surely do it.
Saga lifted his head, which was heavy on his neck, and his glassy and red-rimmed eyes focused on Tora. He opened his mouth to say something, to answer some of what Tora had said, simply because that at least made sense. “I can still feel it. I can’t…it won’t go away, Tora. Please…” Saga pleaded softly, licking his lips as he leaned forward and let his forehead rest against Tora’s, his eyes falling shut. Saga swallowed hard, squeezing his eyelids tighter together.
When Saga moved forward to bring their foreheads comfortably together, Tora did not hesitate to free his hands from Saga’s and slip his arms around the man’s waist so that he could wrap him up in the safety of a hug. Tora felt his face pinch up in an intense frown as Saga spoke again. “I feel as if I’m still covered…I feel sick.” Tora was silent as he felt his heart sink; the more Saga shook, the more his voice quivered in sadness, the more Tora worried. “I can still feel his blood all over me. It won’t go away-it’ll never go away, will it?”
“No.” Tora answered simply, though it was unclear exactly what that single word meant. He carefully moved away from Saga. As Tora stood, he tugged Saga’s shirt up from where it lay limp across his shoulders. Saga didn’t protest, though his eyes moved curiously up towards Tora as he let the man pull his shirt up over his head. Saga was reserved and often found himself uncomfortably shy around others. However he trusted Tora with his entire being and therefore he never even considered questioning Tora on the matter.
There was certainly a time where he was shy to sit as he now was, bare chested, alone before Tora-even though he spent many nights on stage with nothing covering him. It was a different matter altogether when done in private. That, however, had long ago passed and he trusted the man more than he often trusted himself. Therefore as Tora set the shirt on the counter and wet washcloth in the sink, Saga didn’t worry over what Tora was doing.
“It will go away, Saga-san…I promise. Someday it will not feel as it does. What happened isn’t your fault, no one could have stopped Ono from being hurt as he was. That’s why you still feel it. I know you too well for you to deny it. You blame yourself and for that you can still feel it….” Tora rung the washcloth in the sink before he moved to Saga, unraveling it against his fingers. He brought the cloth to Saga’s shoulder, moving it across the surface of the man’s bare skin as he spoke.
“I don’t want you to feel that and I will do everything I can to make it stop, Saga-san. If it means I have to help scrub away each layer of skin you feel is still tainted, that is still soaked through with Ono’s blood, I will.” Tora continued to wash along Saga’s arm, lifting it up so that he could drag it across the length of his bicep and forearm. “I will not let this destroy you, my love.” He added quietly.
Saga felt a shiver go up his back though he did his best not to move, afraid that Tora might stop if he did. The cloth was warm against his skin and though there was nothing to clean away from his body, as he had already showered off the blood that coated him, he felt refreshed from Tora’s washing. There was no doubt it came from the fact that Tora was doing it at all, that he was helping Saga, but the bassist didn’t care why he felt better; he simply knew what it was that made him feel that way and he wasn’t willing to let that stop.
Comfortable silence filled the room around them as Saga watched Tora carefully, his eyes following the path that the washcloth followed along his skin. Tora lifted Saga’s hand, moving the soft fabric between each of Saga’s fingers before he gave the man’s hand a reassuring squeeze. Tora’s fingers lingered against his hand for a moment before he moved to Saga’s other side, intent on starting from shoulder to the very tips of his fingers.
Tora was convicted; if it truly took physically washing away layers of distressful guilt and anxiety to get Saga to feel right again, Tora would do it. They all were wishing the very same thing; for things to be normal once again and it was all Tora knew to do in order to keep that dream alive.
“Are you ashamed?” Saga asked quietly, his voice cutting through the silence though it was hardly unwelcome. Tora stopped for a moment, though not out of hesitancy but out of confusion. His hand lingered against Saga’s arm, pressing gently against the cloth as he looked to Saga. Saga, in turn, hadn’t looked up but instead kept his eyes firmly on Tora’s hands.
“What reason is there to feel shame?” Tora asked before he licked his lips, frowning. He drew away from Saga, letting his hand fall back to his lap. Tora had moved in front of him, crouching down so that he was close to Saga again, so that he could see his face fully and read the expression written across his face. “I…yes.” Tora’s jaw tightened before he nodded.
“I feel ashamed for many…many things. Though I don’t regret having done them-I wouldn’t be where I am not without having something to regret. I…I feel shame for pain that I have caused you, pain that I have caused anyone…myself included. Since I was a child, I did things I regret…but I’m not sorry that I did them.” He answered; his words came not from understanding of Saga’s question, as it wasn’t uncommon for Saga to say or ask something that seemed out of place. Instead they came from simply what he felt; Tora was often guarded against expressing his feelings so openly but for Saga, that guard was long ago broken. He wasn’t often one for words, in fact that deed was left for Saga as Saga tended to talk at length about everything and nothing. However Saga, when in private, could make Tora quite talkative.
Tora wasn’t sure what he was answering so he simply said what he knew in the hopes that it would be the sort of response Saga as seeking; or, at least, give him some direction to what exactly it was Saga was after. The answer came, just as Tora expected.
“And for us?” Saga asked after a moment; Tora’s dark eyebrows knitted together and a frown settled in across his lips. “I…before the…the mess outside, I spoke to Shiki-san. And he said that…he said that what we feel is a decision we make all our own. That it…it doesn’t have to do with what we are supposed to feel. I…I’m not ashamed, Tora-san…I just…”
“What he told me made me very aware that it could have easily been you instead of Ono-kun.” Saga reached out and took hold of Tora’s hands, his own shaking slightly. He was disappointed that he had caused Tora to halt his touch and for that reason he craved it more than before. “I ask only because…because I want you to know that I am not. I’m terrified of the day that I will lose you-for whatever reason. I don’t want to lose you, Tora-san. I...I can’t. I can’t see you hurt like Ono or Nao…Daichi or Shiki…or God forbid, Aiko. I…” Saga trailed off, his voice catching in his throat before dying off completely. There was a heavy bulb in his throat that prevented him from speaking more and should he attempt to he knew that tears would replace the hard lump against his larynx.
The fact that it had almost been Tora was making it harder for Saga to square with what had happened to Ono. Because it was Tora who had been nearly murdered not long ago sent Saga into full fits of reality, knowing that the man could be dead now had Aiko not taken his place. There was a time that Saga was mad over it, now he was just terrified. What he didn’t realize, until just then, was that the reaction was driven by the same fear of losing Tora. The anger he had felt for Tora’s interest in vampires and the concern for his life were both born from the fact that he loved Tora and he didn’t know how to cope with the idea that he might not always be there.
Tora sighed softly, pulling Saga forward enough that he could once again take him in an embrace. He drew Saga in tighter against him, pressing his cheek hard against the top of his head as he half cradled Saga in his hug. “Neither am I. I am not ashamed of what you mean to me, Saga-san. And neither should you; it is scary, yes. Particularly now. But I still find myself grateful that you haven’t been hurt; I try not to linger on the possibility that you might be. I love you, Saga-san-I do. With every part of me that has the capability of it and other parts that you yourself discovered with me. I love you enough to fear for you but I love you enough to also hope for good. If we don’t have faith and hope that this can get better then we haven’t hope at all.”
Tora ran his hands comfortingly across Saga’s back as he spoke. Saga could feel the vibration of Tora’s rib cage that came from his deep voice. “I will help fix that too; I don’t want for either of us to worry. Shiki-kun is right…I am with you because I want to be, because I feel it is right. I don’t regret that decision or those feelings nor do I feel shame for them. I embrace them as the only sliver of certainty in our lives. We have to have some pillar to keep us from losing our minds.”
Saga let his eyes fall shut as he listened to Tora’s heart beat through his shirt, forcing himself to breath in the same rhythm as he was. For a moment it was if Tora’s words were guided by the rhythm of life that coursed through him; certainly not by his brain but by the heart that beat so wildly under his ribs. Saga clung tight to him for a moment, relishing in the familiar smell and feel of Tora so close to him. It was certainly enough to settle his fears for now, though there was no doubt that fear would always exist. He simply need Tora to give him perspective from time to time, particularly now that death seemed to face all of them more than ever before.
A moment later he loosened his hold on Tora, pulling away enough that he could see the man’s face. “Thank you.” Saga told him quietly, biting down on his bottom lip before he let a soft, grateful smile tug at the corners of his mouth. “Thank you…thank you for everything. I…I don’t know how else to say it. I love you too…I really do.” Saga told him before he stretched himself enough that he could capture Tora’s lips with his own. A wild rush of heat raced across both their bodies in that moment, radiating from where their lips met all the way to the tips of their toes.
“Thank you.” Saga repeated in a delicate mumble when their lips parted for the first time. Though Tora hardly gave Saga the chance to speak before his lips were covered again, this time deeper and with more certainty to it.
It was the heat of the moment, the very fact that both were invigorated by the hope and reassurance in each others words, that had Tora leading Saga to his feet. What Saga couldn’t say in words, what Tora couldn’t bring himself to admit in the same manner, was instead expressed in hungry kisses. Tora pulled Saga hotly against him, craving the sensual act that expressed the compassion they both felt in their hearts.
It took only a moment for them to migrate out of the bathroom and into the small bedroom; it was warm, the heat, from the fire earlier in the night, still filled the room. Saga’s fingers were already slipping against the buttons on Tora’s shirt. The window, which looked out onto the snowy landscape outside, was already fogged from the heat inside the cottage.
Inside was warmth and comfortable safety to be had, hidden in a lover’s embrace as they found themselves tangled in sheets. Comfort could be found in words, certainly, but they both wished to find it in passionate touch. It was easier to accept and embrace that they were reinforcing their words by actions which brought familiarity and comfort to the acceptance that they were positive was the most stable thing in their lives. Love was not a question, regardless of it their lives were. They were more than happy to leave the bitter cold outside where it belonged, in flurries of violent snow; a thick glass window would shield them from the freezing air that could hurt them.
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Authors' Note
Mandy & Jackie: So we thought some hope was necessary; that's why we let some talk it out for a bit. There's been lots of bad and we haven't been measuring it with hope. We hope that these last couple of chapters have assisted in defending that we don't hate these characters as it might seem from how mean we are to them. *^_^*
Please understand that chapers 11, 12 and 13 will all take place at basically the same time, just with different things going on with different peoples. We're almost on the downward slope of this story; we hope you're ready. We certainly are. We suspect that the next few chapters through to the end will fly by- so be ready for constant updates.
We also talked extensively about It's Not That Far Away today; for those of you that don't know, that is the third and final part to this series. Please, please, please - pay attention to the things that have happened in the past few chapters and the next to come. Just like we said with God Bless Catastrophe, many of the things presented in the story aren't done by accident. *~_^* That is all we'll say about that. Just...as we often say, please trust us. As always, thank you for reading - we appreciate you!!