*sigh*
So I don't have any alcohol in the house... I do not want to go to my car to get some because I do not have a cigarette to smoke while FREEZING my ass off.
All day I have been testy, angry, frustrated and just felt like crap.
My vision has been hazy, yes my glasses are fucking clean, and anything black text on white has given me a head ache. I cannot afford new glasses... but I cannot see lately. NEWSFLASH if it gets worse I have to turn in my drivers license until I get new glasses. :(
Maybe it's stress and the way my eyes have been bugging me... but lately I just feel useless. I am easily angered, my headaches are more frequent and I am having trouble sleeping. Of course all of these things make me more stressed out and thusly I am more angry as the days progress.
Today... right now... sitting alone in my house. I just feel empty. Like there is nothing left of me. I fear I have nothing left to share with all of you. Like piece by peace I gave myself away but got nothing in return to reform myself. I give too much and it's leaving me with nothing for myself.
Granted have those people that I have grown close to that give back... but I guess I just spread myself too thinly (haha me being referred to as thinly) for my real friends to piece me back together with pieces of themselves.
Another thing that makes me madder than hell is I found myself missing my ex a lot. Maybe it's having been alone so long... maybe it's the holidays... maybe it's my sister planning her wedding... I don;t know. But I just think, had things been different I would be living in my rose colored world, with my house and my husband and my dog (I really miss my dog), I wouldn't have these debts... I might have been happy had things been different. I KNOW it's not my fault completely... but if I wasn't such a pushover, if I didn't let him dictate my life, if I had gotten him help... maybe what happened wouldn't have happened.
I keep having to tell myself (sometimes out loud in the hopes of forcing myself to believe it) that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I am supposed to be here now. I just hope that I am here for a good reason and that some day... maybe... someone will sweep me off my feat and I can do the one thing I have always wanted... that I can have the one thing I have always dreamed of... but until then I suppose I'll be sitting here, wondering and waiting.
All day I have been testy, angry, frustrated and just felt like crap.
My vision has been hazy, yes my glasses are fucking clean, and anything black text on white has given me a head ache. I cannot afford new glasses... but I cannot see lately. NEWSFLASH if it gets worse I have to turn in my drivers license until I get new glasses. :(
Maybe it's stress and the way my eyes have been bugging me... but lately I just feel useless. I am easily angered, my headaches are more frequent and I am having trouble sleeping. Of course all of these things make me more stressed out and thusly I am more angry as the days progress.
Today... right now... sitting alone in my house. I just feel empty. Like there is nothing left of me. I fear I have nothing left to share with all of you. Like piece by peace I gave myself away but got nothing in return to reform myself. I give too much and it's leaving me with nothing for myself.
Granted have those people that I have grown close to that give back... but I guess I just spread myself too thinly (haha me being referred to as thinly) for my real friends to piece me back together with pieces of themselves.
Another thing that makes me madder than hell is I found myself missing my ex a lot. Maybe it's having been alone so long... maybe it's the holidays... maybe it's my sister planning her wedding... I don;t know. But I just think, had things been different I would be living in my rose colored world, with my house and my husband and my dog (I really miss my dog), I wouldn't have these debts... I might have been happy had things been different. I KNOW it's not my fault completely... but if I wasn't such a pushover, if I didn't let him dictate my life, if I had gotten him help... maybe what happened wouldn't have happened.
I keep having to tell myself (sometimes out loud in the hopes of forcing myself to believe it) that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I am supposed to be here now. I just hope that I am here for a good reason and that some day... maybe... someone will sweep me off my feat and I can do the one thing I have always wanted... that I can have the one thing I have always dreamed of... but until then I suppose I'll be sitting here, wondering and waiting.