i'm such a pinball..
..its just something i keep running to.
i've just spent the past 5 days up traveling all over california following my favorite band and visiting old friends and i've had no obligations other than to just get to my next destination every day.
life is free of stress and i have nothing but the sky to stop me, but why am i still such a sad act that can't seem to completely get over halyna and what she did with ryan and why do i keep surrendering to my addiction for drugs?
i've been with 2 people since the break up. i'm currently seeing one girl and it looks like it might actually develop into some sort of relationship soon and its not like i'm having any trouble getting attention from the opposite sex, but it all feels so short of making the mark with me. i know its for the best that i completely rid myself of halyna for good because its only going to fuck with my emotional stability, but of course i'm a sucker for the mixed messages and i'm really trying hard to avoid anymore conflicts with her, or anyone else actually, because im just so drained.
the past month and a half has been so complicated, overwhelming, and confusing that i just don't want to bother with much anymore. i just want things to be simple again. i want to be able to go on about my business and keep to myself without problems. yet, it's this ridiculous craving for the one thing i can't have that creeps up on me randomly and brings me to my knees. i want the girl that has completely lost any sort of romantic interest in me, but is still infatuated on my, now ex-, friend that she had a crush on and off since she was younger, but we all know he really wouldn't bother giving her the time of day anymore because whats the point? the guy got what he wanted out of her, at the expense of our friendships and my relationship with halyna. well, there you go folks, you have the plot to every single daytime soap opera known to man, and it's my life.
all i'm doing is grabbing onto the first things that come my way that will provide some sort of instant gratification and escape from this mess of a situation. the sex is empty and heartless. the words i share with these girls are empty and so routine, but i keep on with this act because although i know the truth of it all, i could careless.
my life is becoming one big lie and its just so expected that i would do this because of the lies and deceit i've been enduring recently. it just seems to be the best defense from myself, them, and my heart.
as i sit here pondering about my new developing relationship with a girl i hardly know and is already showing so many red flags this early into things that i couldn't bare this botteled up anger and anguish and so now i spill my guts upon your computer screens and friend's journal page without any hope that at least one of you will even getting this far into the entry.
yet, i have grown.
i've realized how badly my drug use directly affects the people i care about the most, and sadly its partly the reason while i'm here in front of you, alone. so i guess this whole thing isn't completely in vain.
when it comes down to it i just wish i could take my own advice that i give others, turn off my heart which always ends up leading me down paths i already know are littered with excessive amounts of traps and obstacles.
i would love to learn how to completely seperate myself from my feelings like every typical guy is supposed to, but the thought of a life without the embracing of passion is reality worst than hell itself i think. i'll always take pride in my value of having heart so i guess this will have to be price i'll have to pay every once in a while for it.
i've just spent the past 5 days up traveling all over california following my favorite band and visiting old friends and i've had no obligations other than to just get to my next destination every day.
life is free of stress and i have nothing but the sky to stop me, but why am i still such a sad act that can't seem to completely get over halyna and what she did with ryan and why do i keep surrendering to my addiction for drugs?
i've been with 2 people since the break up. i'm currently seeing one girl and it looks like it might actually develop into some sort of relationship soon and its not like i'm having any trouble getting attention from the opposite sex, but it all feels so short of making the mark with me. i know its for the best that i completely rid myself of halyna for good because its only going to fuck with my emotional stability, but of course i'm a sucker for the mixed messages and i'm really trying hard to avoid anymore conflicts with her, or anyone else actually, because im just so drained.
the past month and a half has been so complicated, overwhelming, and confusing that i just don't want to bother with much anymore. i just want things to be simple again. i want to be able to go on about my business and keep to myself without problems. yet, it's this ridiculous craving for the one thing i can't have that creeps up on me randomly and brings me to my knees. i want the girl that has completely lost any sort of romantic interest in me, but is still infatuated on my, now ex-, friend that she had a crush on and off since she was younger, but we all know he really wouldn't bother giving her the time of day anymore because whats the point? the guy got what he wanted out of her, at the expense of our friendships and my relationship with halyna. well, there you go folks, you have the plot to every single daytime soap opera known to man, and it's my life.
all i'm doing is grabbing onto the first things that come my way that will provide some sort of instant gratification and escape from this mess of a situation. the sex is empty and heartless. the words i share with these girls are empty and so routine, but i keep on with this act because although i know the truth of it all, i could careless.
my life is becoming one big lie and its just so expected that i would do this because of the lies and deceit i've been enduring recently. it just seems to be the best defense from myself, them, and my heart.
as i sit here pondering about my new developing relationship with a girl i hardly know and is already showing so many red flags this early into things that i couldn't bare this botteled up anger and anguish and so now i spill my guts upon your computer screens and friend's journal page without any hope that at least one of you will even getting this far into the entry.
yet, i have grown.
i've realized how badly my drug use directly affects the people i care about the most, and sadly its partly the reason while i'm here in front of you, alone. so i guess this whole thing isn't completely in vain.
when it comes down to it i just wish i could take my own advice that i give others, turn off my heart which always ends up leading me down paths i already know are littered with excessive amounts of traps and obstacles.
i would love to learn how to completely seperate myself from my feelings like every typical guy is supposed to, but the thought of a life without the embracing of passion is reality worst than hell itself i think. i'll always take pride in my value of having heart so i guess this will have to be price i'll have to pay every once in a while for it.