Pausing my hand from taking the bottle to my mouth for another drink, I frown for a moment. Lilah Morgan and beer? Blinking I tilt my head and look at her for a moment. My eyes take in her appearance. She's still Lilah. Still beautiful, still deadly. Yet, I had scared her away. Why? Was it because I called her Fred? It must have been, she had run right after that. So stupid of me!
I guess there's a first time for everything. I just wish this hadn't been one of them.
Shrugging, I lean to my side an pick up one of the bottles. Without looking at her I shove the bottle at her and take gulp out of my own bottle. What am I supposed to say to her? Sorry I called you Fred? Sorry I couldn't safe you? I'm sorry you had to spend time in this storage room? I'm sorry they had to get you out for...for what?
"I'm Sorry I scared you."
Hell, I scared myself at times. I just didn't know anymore. Didn't know what to believe. Didn't know what I wanted to believe. "She's dead," I told her as matter of fact and laughed bitterly. "You're probably happy about that." It wasn't an accusation, it was a fact. At least to me it was. Lilah never liked Fred. Fred never liked LIlah. How ironic. The two women I've loved hated each other with a passion. And they were so very different.
I accepted the beer and took a swallow, grimacing as I tasted the bitterness of it. Perfect. Just right for the occasion.
"I'm Sorry I scared you."
"It's okay. I guess I'll get used to it. To this, to everything being changed since I was gone."
I looked down at the bottle I was holding in my hands and began to pick at the label. Problem was I didn't want to get used to it. I wanted it to be the way it was, before I'd died, hell even after I'd died was preferable to this limbo, this uncertainty.
"She's dead. You're probably happy about that." I heard the bitterness in his chuckle, I couldn't blame him for it. I was glad he'd brought Fred into the conversation before I'd had to. "Heard about your girl being taken over by a god. Bummer." Probably wouldn't have gone down too well.
"I'd be lying if I said part of me isn't glad she's no longer around." I confessed, deciding that the worst thing I could do was be dishonest with him right now. "She had you, really had a part of you I could never reach. And I resented that. I still do. So, yeah. The petty vindictive part of me is crowing a little."
I lifted my gaze to look him in the eye.
"But I know you loved her, that it hurts you that she's gone and can't be brought back. And I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry that you probably wish she was back and not me. But I can't be her for you. Tried that once, remember? It's just me here Wesley, plain old lawyer bitch Lilah."
There is something oddly amusing watching Lilah Morgan drink beer. I'd laugh if I remembered how to do that without it sounding insane or hysterical. Taking a gulp out of my bottle I keep staring out over the city. Little ants running by. They have no idea that they can be crushed just like that.
At her words I glance over at her. I had never lied to her. She knew what Fred had meant to me. Hell, she even used it to play me. Yes, we'd tried that once. She wasn't Fred. Never could be. "I know," I whispered. Swallowing hard, I look at her and blink for a moment. Gone. FredIllyriaFred. gone for good. And Lilah isn't Fred.
"No one can be Fred. She was unique...is, unique. And yes it hurts." It had hurt so much I'd wished to die. I just didn't care anymore werther I lived or died. In fact I had died. Dies in the arms of a lie. Taking another gulp out of the bottle I stare at her for a long time. As if trying to see her soul, see into her heart.
"No," I shake my head a bit. "No. I don't wish it was her instead of you, Lilah." Turning my head back I stare out of the city again, dangling my feet over the edge. "Neither of you deserved what you've gotten." Neither of them deserved to die. Neither of them deserved to suffer. Both sides of the coin, both sides of the fence. Both died.
Yet, Lilah is back. Fred can never come back. "I'm so confused," I mutter to myself.
"I know. No one can be Fred. She was unique...is, unique. And yes it hurts."
I so didn't want to hear this. Hear about how unique and irreplaceable she'd been to him. Hear the raw pain in his voice, the grief underlying the words. Had he mourned this way for me? I guess I'd never know. I don't think his world had ended when I'd died. Not like now. Instead I was being forced to sit shiva for my rival. The one who'd stolen his heart from me. I don't think I hated Fred more than right at this moment.
He was staring at me, and I think for the first time it was me he was looking at, not someone else. I wanted to look away, hide the feelings of bitter loss and regret lurking in my own heart but I couldn't.
"No. No. I don't wish it was her instead of you, Lilah. Neither of you deserved what you've gotten."
Would I ever get used to him lumping us together like that? Me and her, her and me. I didn't like it, but what could I do? Compete with her memory? I knew who'd lose on that score.
"I'm so confused,"
"Welcome to the land of the confused, bewildered and totally lost, Wesley. Maybe we should be leaving a trail of breadcrumbs behind us so we can find our way back again?" I took some more swigs of the beer, at least it was cold and wet. I gave Wesley a small smile and looked down at the street below, dangling my feet back and forth. Then one of my sling-backs decided to go for a sky dive. I made a grab for it, almost losing my balance.
My hand snatches out and grabs her around her arm, pulling her back from the ledge. "Please do be careful, Lilah," I sigh. Glancing down over the ledge I watch as her shoe drop down all the way. Raising an eyebrow I pull out one of my shoes and drop it after it. "There. Now it won't be alone," I giggle at the falling shoe, wincing as it hits the pavement. I hope I've tossed it down in the right direction. They shouldn't be alone. Non of us should be.
"It's not fun being alone. All alone with all these memories. No one to love, no one to talk too Right wrong, wong right. So confusing." Muttering under my breath I turn around and put my legs back on the floor. Leaning down I pick up another bottle of beer. "Do try not to fall a down, Lilah. Watching you die once was more then enough." I had very little time to mourn her.
After all that's, all I needed right now. Her dying on me again. Tilting my head to the side, I blink and look at her. "I'm sorry I had to chop your head off." We had thought Angelus had killed her, drained her, turned her. Lilah as a vampire, now there is a terrifying thought. Besides, I love Lilah for Lilah. I couldn't love a monster who would violate her body like that. Such as Illyria did with Fred's.
Looking down at my hands I notice they've started to shake again. Again? When were they not shaking? Putting down the bottle I rub both hands over my face tiredly. God, I just want to sleep. One night of sleep without nightmares. Sighing, I dropped my hands and turned my head to look at her again. Soul searching, I believe that's how they called it. "I'm sorry I called you Fred." Bloody sodding hell, I'm on a roll tonight. I keep having to apologize
I hadn't even realised I'd nearly fallen until Wesley grabbed my arm, yanking me backwards to safety. My heart leapt to my throat at the thought of what had almost happened. Just because I'd died once, didn't mean I was anxious to repeat it.
"There. Now it won't be alone,"
Dropping his own shoe over the edge. That had been a crazy thing for Wesley to do. But I understood what he meant by it.
"It's not fun being alone. All alone with all these memories. No one to love, no one to talk to. Right wrong, wrong right. So confusing. Do try not to fall down, Lilah. Watching you die once was more then enough."
Was that an admission that he'd felt some kind of loss or grief when I'd been killed? I grasped onto it, wanting to believe that he'd still cared enough to mourn for me.
"I'm sorry I had to chop your head off."
I gave him a shrug and a wry grin, swinging my own legs back over onto the floor.
"It's okay, Wes. I never felt a thing."
I followed his gaze and saw that his hands were trembling. I watched as he set the bottle down and ran his hands over his face wearily. I hated seeing him like this, it tore me up inside. Could I touch him now? I wanted to so badly. He shifted his gaze to look over at me again.
"I'm sorry I called you Fred."
"Wes...you don't need to apologize. It's not a mortal wound. I'll get over it."
I moved closer to him, our knees almost touching. I reached up tentatively to touch his stubbled cheek, and used my fingertips to smooth the lines from his furrowed brow. And then taking a chance, I slowly wrapped my arms around him, pulling him into me as I gently stroked his hair.
"It will be alright now. It's going to be alright."
Don't I? Need to apologize? Why do I feel that I have to apologize for everything. Everything is my fault. If only... If only... If wishes where horses. If I hadn't become a Watcher. If I hadn't come to Sunnydale. If I hadn't been born... If... If... If...
I called her Fred. She ran. It's not a mortal wound? Then why did she run. It was stupid. Unfair to both of them. They cannot compete. They cannot compare. They are never, and will never be the same. Fred is gone. Lilah is here. Here on the roof where I can finally breathe.
My breath catches in my throat though and I freeze as suddenly her arms are around me. I can feel her hand stroking my hair. Suddenly I feel like five. Suddenly I feel like crying and running away at the same time. Blinking my eyes several times I look at her confused. Alright? How can it be alright? How is it ever going to be alright?
How...
"Lilah?" Confused I pull back a bit, trying to look in her eyes. Lilah could always hide a lot of things. But not her eyes. That's how I've gotten to know her. Through her eyes. Looking into her eyes I can read her confusion. Her fear. For me? Why? There's anger there as well. Determination. This really is my Lilah. And I don't know what to do.
Don't know who I am.
Bringing up my own arm I wrap them around her and hold on tight. I'm holding onto Lilah Morgan as if she's my last hope and I don't care. Hell must've frozen over. I've been in hell though. I've been in hell for a year now. This? If this is my new hell, I'm welcoming it with open arms. Gladly and willingly. "I don't know who I am anymore, Lilah. I don't know anything anymore." Why is my voice sounding so small? I don't like it. Don't like it. "Who am I?"
Maybe I'd made the wrong move, maybe it had been too soon to touch him, hold him. But it was too late now to take it back.
"Lilah?" He pulled back and I wondered if I'd really screwed things up but then he just looked at me, as if he was searching for something. All I could do was gaze back at him and hope that whatever he saw was what he needed to see.
Then I felt his arms come up and then he was was one holding onto me, tightly as if he was going to fall, even though he was well away from the ledge. I stayed silent, hoping that the fact that he'd held onto me meant something.
"I don't know who I am anymore, Lilah. I don't know anything anymore. Who am I?"
He was asking the wrong person. I was no philosopher, I didn't have all the answers to these kinds of questions. And I didn't have time to peek at a cheat card. But I had to try to give him something.
"You're still the same man you always were. You just got lost. Went too deep into the woods. Walked off that nice well lit path you like to follow. It's up to you to decide what you want to do. Sometimes the woods aren't all that bad a place to be..."
I trailed off and then chuckled to myself.
"Ok, enough with the stupid platitudes and confusing analogies. Do you want to come inside? Because quite frankly Wesley, you look like absolute crap, and could do with a good sleep and a shave. Much as I love the stubble, beards are so last decade. So. You coming with?"
"I used to like the woods." I think. I'm not sure. I remember my father forbidding me to go into the forest. That's probably why I liked the forest. I also remember shooting my father. No, not my father, a robot. Close enough though. I wonder how my parents are doing. No, I don't care. "I'm not the same man. Not anymore," I mutter. Would she still love me now that I wasn't...how she remembered?
"Inside?" Frowning, I look at her confused. My arms are still wrapped around her and I lace my fingers together behind her back. "Why?" I look up at the sky, it's getting clouded. Maybe it'll rain? I wish it would rain down on me. Clean me of everything. Every memory, false or true. That'll never happen though. We're at the Hyperion with many rooms. Maybe we can get lost in those.
Letting go of her I run a hand over my face. I do seem to be growing a beard. Maybe because you can hide behind it. Because it hides evidence of betrayal. Maybe because I don't want anything sharp near my throat. Maybe because I don't care. My finger tip slides over my throat where I know the scar is hiding. "I'm afraid to go to sleep," I tell her softly. "They always come in my sleep."
Accusing. Pointing a finger. Telling me where and how I failed them. My father, Angel, Gunn, Fred. Buffy, Giles. All of them. Lilah. Tilting my head, I look at her. "Will you sleep with me?" Hold me? Chase away the nightmares? I can do the same for her. "You look rather tired yourself," I say, giving her a small smile.
"I used to like the woods. I'm not the same man. Not anymore,"
Maybe he wasn't the same, and the man I'd known and fallen hard for could never come back to me. Maybe I'd lost him as much as he'd lost Fred. But it was still Wes. Beneath the scars and the scruff, despite the bewildered gaze and the unshod foot there still lurked someone I cared about.
"I'm afraid to go to sleep. They always come in my sleep."
I frowned at him, trying to process his meaning. Wesley had nightmares? He was afraid to sleep? Who were the 'they' he was speaking about? There was so much I wanted to know, but I knew it wasn't the right time to ask.
"Will you sleep with me?"
I inhaled sharply and raised an eyebrow at him, but his expression was without guile or innuendo, he hadn't meant it in that way at all. Me and my dumb assumptions. I guess I still couldn't help thinking in those terms when it came to Wesley.
"You look rather tired yourself,
And then he smiled at me. Had he smiled before? I couldn't remember. I found myself giving him an equally small smile back. Things were still fragile, uncertain. But we were getting somewhere at last. I nodded slowly and stood up, looking down at my bare foot, and his sock clad foot.
"Sure, if you want me to. I don't want to be alone tonight. Do you?"
At her raised eyebrow I tilt my head and can't help but smirk at her. Typical Lilah. "Why Lilah," I bring up my hand and tap a finger against her temple. "I see that much hasn't changed hmm?" I wonder how much I've changed for her. And how much I've changed back for Fred. Where is the real me?
Getting up I follow her gaze toward my foot. Frowning I glance over my shoulder at the city. There's two shoes down there now. At least they won't be lonely. "Don't worry." A giggle escapes me before I can swallow it. "Your other shoe won't be lonely tonight. I've still one left for it." Besides, she dropped her shoe first. Yes, she did.
Tracing the curves of her smiled I blink. "Did I ever tell you? You've a beautiful smile," I pause and pull back a little to have a good look at her. "When that mouth is not busy doing other things that is." Such as snarking, or chewing people out or... yes, other things.
Wrapping my arm around her waist I sigh and eye the sky again when I feel a droplet on my hand. Within moment it starts to rain hard. "No," I mutter at her as the rain falls down on us. "I don't want to be alone. At all. But it seems I aways end up that way." But that's alright. I'll get used to it. Again. Somehow. She'll leave. Everyone leaves.
"Did you ever dance in the rain, Lilah?" Wrapping my other arm around her, I twirl her around on the wet roof. "I've never danced in the rain. Or at all much really. Would you like to dance?"
Damn right some things hadn't changed. It wasn't like I could forget those night's we'd shared, the things we'd done to each other. I didn't want to forget them any time soon anyway. No apologies on that score.
"Don't worry. Your other shoe won't be lonely tonight. I've still one left for it."
My smile widened at that, no matter how insane it sounded, I actually got what Wesley was talking about.
"Did I ever tell you? You've a beautiful smile. When that mouth is not busy doing other things that is."
He could still turn on the charm that was for sure. How was it possible that just one sentence mentioning my mouth and what it got up to could send a tingle down through my body like that?
Wesley stood up too and put an arm around my waist, I wasn't sure what he was going to do but then the rain came, drenching us both. I was all for running inside before we were soaked through, but he held onto me, pulling me into a tighter embrace.
"No. I don't want to be alone. At all. But it seems I aways end up that way."
"Everyone winds up alone, Wesley. We die alone, even surrounded by the people we care about. It's the way of things. But in the meantime...."
I leaned into him, placing my smooth cheek against his stubbled one, and then buried my face into his shoulder.
"Did you ever dance in the rain, Lilah? I've never danced in the rain. Or at all much really. Would you like to dance?"
He twirled me around and I found myself laughing as he moved to a rhythm neither of us could hear. Wesley had never been this spontaneous before. It was refreshing, and infectious. I felt giddy and he swung me around again, and dipped me backwards like we were in some exotic tango. I clung to him as he bent over me before righting us again.
"You're not going to go all Gene Kelly on me now are you?" I teased, as we stood there, getting soaked to our skin.
I twirl her around a few more times before dipping her low again. Wrapping my arms around her waist I kiss her lightly on her forehead. I pull up again and smirk at her. "No, I seem to be short one lamp post for that. Not to mention that I'm not that good a singer. Not as bad as Angel mind you but still. I might scare away the birds." And we can't have that now can we? Soon I should take her dancing in a proper ballroom.
Looking up at the sky I let the rain fall down on me. Us. Washing it all away. Don't I wish. That's not going to happen. Ever. I'm a murdered, a betrayer. As is Lilah. Aren't we a pair, made for each other. Still, I know what to expect from her. Or so I thought. I hadn't expected her to run away from me. Ever. I scared her. How many others had I scared away from me?
"Let's get inside and find a room with a running shower." Looking at her I push some wet hair out of her face and tuck it behind her ear. I narrow my eyes and take a good look at her. At her eyes. Into her eyes. "Thank you for coming back Lilah. I can't promise you..." That I'll stay sane? That I'll be who you once know? "...anything." But for her I'll try.
I look at her for a moment longer before sliding my hand down her arm and lace our fingers together. Tugging her toward the door, stop and open the door for her. I look back over my shoulder. Taking in the wet roof top washing away all evidence that we ever were here. Looking at the city rushing by for a long time until a tap on my arm make me look at her again. "Right, let's go." Following her I close the door behind me. The click of the door closing echoes in my mind for a long time. It's almost symbolic.
I guess there's a first time for everything. I just wish this hadn't been one of them.
Shrugging, I lean to my side an pick up one of the bottles. Without looking at her I shove the bottle at her and take gulp out of my own bottle. What am I supposed to say to her? Sorry I called you Fred? Sorry I couldn't safe you? I'm sorry you had to spend time in this storage room? I'm sorry they had to get you out for...for what?
"I'm Sorry I scared you."
Hell, I scared myself at times. I just didn't know anymore. Didn't know what to believe. Didn't know what I wanted to believe. "She's dead," I told her as matter of fact and laughed bitterly. "You're probably happy about that." It wasn't an accusation, it was a fact. At least to me it was. Lilah never liked Fred. Fred never liked LIlah. How ironic. The two women I've loved hated each other with a passion. And they were so very different.
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"I'm Sorry I scared you."
"It's okay. I guess I'll get used to it. To this, to everything being changed since I was gone."
I looked down at the bottle I was holding in my hands and began to pick at the label. Problem was I didn't want to get used to it. I wanted it to be the way it was, before I'd died, hell even after I'd died was preferable to this limbo, this uncertainty.
"She's dead. You're probably happy about that." I heard the bitterness in his chuckle, I couldn't blame him for it. I was glad he'd brought Fred into the conversation before I'd had to. "Heard about your girl being taken over by a god. Bummer." Probably wouldn't have gone down too well.
"I'd be lying if I said part of me isn't glad she's no longer around." I confessed, deciding that the worst thing I could do was be dishonest with him right now. "She had you, really had a part of you I could never reach. And I resented that. I still do. So, yeah. The petty vindictive part of me is crowing a little."
I lifted my gaze to look him in the eye.
"But I know you loved her, that it hurts you that she's gone and can't be brought back. And I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry that you probably wish she was back and not me. But I can't be her for you. Tried that once, remember? It's just me here Wesley, plain old lawyer bitch Lilah."
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At her words I glance over at her. I had never lied to her. She knew what Fred had meant to me. Hell, she even used it to play me. Yes, we'd tried that once. She wasn't Fred. Never could be. "I know," I whispered. Swallowing hard, I look at her and blink for a moment. Gone. FredIllyriaFred. gone for good. And Lilah isn't Fred.
"No one can be Fred. She was unique...is, unique. And yes it hurts." It had hurt so much I'd wished to die. I just didn't care anymore werther I lived or died. In fact I had died. Dies in the arms of a lie. Taking another gulp out of the bottle I stare at her for a long time. As if trying to see her soul, see into her heart.
"No," I shake my head a bit. "No. I don't wish it was her instead of you, Lilah." Turning my head back I stare out of the city again, dangling my feet over the edge. "Neither of you deserved what you've gotten." Neither of them deserved to die. Neither of them deserved to suffer. Both sides of the coin, both sides of the fence. Both died.
Yet, Lilah is back. Fred can never come back. "I'm so confused," I mutter to myself.
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I so didn't want to hear this. Hear about how unique and irreplaceable she'd been to him. Hear the raw pain in his voice, the grief underlying the words. Had he mourned this way for me? I guess I'd never know. I don't think his world had ended when I'd died. Not like now. Instead I was being forced to sit shiva for my rival. The one who'd stolen his heart from me. I don't think I hated Fred more than right at this moment.
He was staring at me, and I think for the first time it was me he was looking at, not someone else. I wanted to look away, hide the feelings of bitter loss and regret lurking in my own heart but I couldn't.
"No. No. I don't wish it was her instead of you, Lilah. Neither of you deserved what you've gotten."
Would I ever get used to him lumping us together like that? Me and her, her and me. I didn't like it, but what could I do? Compete with her memory? I knew who'd lose on that score.
"I'm so confused,"
"Welcome to the land of the confused, bewildered and totally lost, Wesley. Maybe we should be leaving a trail of breadcrumbs behind us so we can find our way back again?" I took some more swigs of the beer, at least it was cold and wet. I gave Wesley a small smile and looked down at the street below, dangling my feet back and forth. Then one of my sling-backs decided to go for a sky dive. I made a grab for it, almost losing my balance.
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"It's not fun being alone. All alone with all these memories. No one to love, no one to talk too Right wrong, wong right. So confusing." Muttering under my breath I turn around and put my legs back on the floor. Leaning down I pick up another bottle of beer. "Do try not to fall a
down, Lilah. Watching you die once was more then enough." I had very little time to mourn her.
After all that's, all I needed right now. Her dying on me again. Tilting my head to the side, I blink and look at her. "I'm sorry I had to chop your head off." We had thought Angelus had killed her, drained her, turned her. Lilah as a vampire, now there is a terrifying thought. Besides, I love Lilah for Lilah. I couldn't love a monster who would violate her body like that. Such as Illyria did with Fred's.
Looking down at my hands I notice they've started to shake again. Again? When were they not shaking? Putting down the bottle I rub both hands over my face tiredly. God, I just want to sleep. One night of sleep without nightmares. Sighing, I dropped my hands and turned my head to look at her again. Soul searching, I believe that's how they called it. "I'm sorry I called you Fred." Bloody sodding hell, I'm on a roll tonight. I keep having to apologize
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"There. Now it won't be alone,"
Dropping his own shoe over the edge. That had been a crazy thing for Wesley to do. But I understood what he meant by it.
"It's not fun being alone. All alone with all these memories. No one to love, no one to talk to. Right wrong, wrong right. So confusing. Do try not to fall down, Lilah. Watching you die once was more then enough."
Was that an admission that he'd felt some kind of loss or grief when I'd been killed? I grasped onto it, wanting to believe that he'd still cared enough to mourn for me.
"I'm sorry I had to chop your head off."
I gave him a shrug and a wry grin, swinging my own legs back over onto the floor.
"It's okay, Wes. I never felt a thing."
I followed his gaze and saw that his hands were trembling. I watched as he set the bottle down and ran his hands over his face wearily. I hated seeing him like this, it tore me up inside. Could I touch him now? I wanted to so badly. He shifted his gaze to look over at me again.
"I'm sorry I called you Fred."
"Wes...you don't need to apologize. It's not a mortal wound. I'll get over it."
I moved closer to him, our knees almost touching. I reached up tentatively to touch his stubbled cheek, and used my fingertips to smooth the lines from his furrowed brow. And then taking a chance, I slowly wrapped my arms around him, pulling him into me as I gently stroked his hair.
"It will be alright now. It's going to be alright."
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I called her Fred. She ran. It's not a mortal wound? Then why did she run. It was stupid. Unfair to both of them. They cannot compete. They cannot compare. They are never, and will never be the same. Fred is gone. Lilah is here. Here on the roof where I can finally breathe.
My breath catches in my throat though and I freeze as suddenly her arms are around me. I can feel her hand stroking my hair. Suddenly I feel like five. Suddenly I feel like crying and running away at the same time. Blinking my eyes several times I look at her confused. Alright? How can it be alright? How is it ever going to be alright?
How...
"Lilah?" Confused I pull back a bit, trying to look in her eyes. Lilah could always hide a lot of things. But not her eyes. That's how I've gotten to know her. Through her eyes. Looking into her eyes I can read her confusion. Her fear. For me? Why? There's anger there as well. Determination. This really is my Lilah. And I don't know what to do.
Don't know who I am.
Bringing up my own arm I wrap them around her and hold on tight. I'm holding onto Lilah Morgan as if she's my last hope and I don't care. Hell must've frozen over. I've been in hell though. I've been in hell for a year now. This? If this is my new hell, I'm welcoming it with open arms. Gladly and willingly. "I don't know who I am anymore, Lilah. I don't know anything anymore." Why is my voice sounding so small? I don't like it. Don't like it. "Who am I?"
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Maybe I'd made the wrong move, maybe it had been too soon to touch him, hold him. But it was too late now to take it back.
"Lilah?" He pulled back and I wondered if I'd really screwed things up but then he just looked at me, as if he was searching for something. All I could do was gaze back at him and hope that whatever he saw was what he needed to see.
Then I felt his arms come up and then he was was one holding onto me, tightly as if he was going to fall, even though he was well away from the ledge. I stayed silent, hoping that the fact that he'd held onto me meant something.
"I don't know who I am anymore, Lilah. I don't know anything anymore. Who am I?"
He was asking the wrong person. I was no philosopher, I didn't have all the answers to these kinds of questions. And I didn't have time to peek at a cheat card. But I had to try to give him something.
"You're still the same man you always were. You just got lost. Went too deep into the woods. Walked off that nice well lit path you like to follow. It's up to you to decide what you want to do. Sometimes the woods aren't all that bad a place to be..."
I trailed off and then chuckled to myself.
"Ok, enough with the stupid platitudes and confusing analogies. Do you want to come inside? Because quite frankly Wesley, you look like absolute crap, and could do with a good sleep and a shave. Much as I love the stubble, beards are so last decade. So. You coming with?"
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"Inside?" Frowning, I look at her confused. My arms are still wrapped around her and I lace my fingers together behind her back. "Why?" I look up at the sky, it's getting clouded. Maybe it'll rain? I wish it would rain down on me. Clean me of everything. Every memory, false or true. That'll never happen though. We're at the Hyperion with many rooms. Maybe we can get lost in those.
Letting go of her I run a hand over my face. I do seem to be growing a beard. Maybe because you can hide behind it. Because it hides evidence of betrayal. Maybe because I don't want anything sharp near my throat. Maybe because I don't care. My finger tip slides over my throat where I know the scar is hiding. "I'm afraid to go to sleep," I tell her softly. "They always come in my sleep."
Accusing. Pointing a finger. Telling me where and how I failed them. My father, Angel, Gunn, Fred. Buffy, Giles. All of them. Lilah. Tilting my head, I look at her. "Will you sleep with me?" Hold me? Chase away the nightmares? I can do the same for her. "You look rather tired yourself," I say, giving her a small smile.
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Maybe he wasn't the same, and the man I'd known and fallen hard for could never come back to me. Maybe I'd lost him as much as he'd lost Fred. But it was still Wes. Beneath the scars and the scruff, despite the bewildered gaze and the unshod foot there still lurked someone I cared about.
"I'm afraid to go to sleep. They always come in my sleep."
I frowned at him, trying to process his meaning. Wesley had nightmares? He was afraid to sleep? Who were the 'they' he was speaking about? There was so much I wanted to know, but I knew it wasn't the right time to ask.
"Will you sleep with me?"
I inhaled sharply and raised an eyebrow at him, but his expression was without guile or innuendo, he hadn't meant it in that way at all. Me and my dumb assumptions. I guess I still couldn't help thinking in those terms when it came to Wesley.
"You look rather tired yourself,
And then he smiled at me. Had he smiled before? I couldn't remember. I found myself giving him an equally small smile back. Things were still fragile, uncertain. But we were getting somewhere at last. I nodded slowly and stood up, looking down at my bare foot, and his sock clad foot.
"Sure, if you want me to. I don't want to be alone tonight. Do you?"
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Getting up I follow her gaze toward my foot. Frowning I glance over my shoulder at the city. There's two shoes down there now. At least they won't be lonely. "Don't worry." A giggle escapes me before I can swallow it. "Your other shoe won't be lonely tonight. I've still one left for it." Besides, she dropped her shoe first. Yes, she did.
Tracing the curves of her smiled I blink. "Did I ever tell you? You've a beautiful smile," I pause and pull back a little to have a good look at her. "When that mouth is not busy doing other things that is." Such as snarking, or chewing people out or... yes, other things.
Wrapping my arm around her waist I sigh and eye the sky again when I feel a droplet on my hand. Within moment it starts to rain hard. "No," I mutter at her as the rain falls down on us. "I don't want to be alone. At all. But it seems I aways end up that way." But that's alright. I'll get used to it. Again. Somehow. She'll leave. Everyone leaves.
"Did you ever dance in the rain, Lilah?" Wrapping my other arm around her, I twirl her around on the wet roof. "I've never danced in the rain. Or at all much really. Would you like to dance?"
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Damn right some things hadn't changed. It wasn't like I could forget those night's we'd shared, the things we'd done to each other. I didn't want to forget them any time soon anyway. No apologies on that score.
"Don't worry. Your other shoe won't be lonely tonight. I've still one left for it."
My smile widened at that, no matter how insane it sounded, I actually got what Wesley was talking about.
"Did I ever tell you? You've a beautiful smile. When that mouth is not busy doing other things that is."
He could still turn on the charm that was for sure. How was it possible that just one sentence mentioning my mouth and what it got up to could send a tingle down through my body like that?
Wesley stood up too and put an arm around my waist, I wasn't sure what he was going to do but then the rain came, drenching us both. I was all for running inside before we were soaked through, but he held onto me, pulling me into a tighter embrace.
"No. I don't want to be alone. At all. But it seems I aways end up that way."
"Everyone winds up alone, Wesley. We die alone, even surrounded by the people we care about. It's the way of things. But in the meantime...."
I leaned into him, placing my smooth cheek against his stubbled one, and then buried my face into his shoulder.
"Did you ever dance in the rain, Lilah? I've never danced in the rain. Or at all much really. Would you like to dance?"
He twirled me around and I found myself laughing as he moved to a rhythm neither of us could hear. Wesley had never been this spontaneous before. It was refreshing, and infectious.
I felt giddy and he swung me around again, and dipped me backwards like we were in some exotic tango. I clung to him as he bent over me before righting us again.
"You're not going to go all Gene Kelly on me now are you?" I teased, as we stood there, getting soaked to our skin.
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Looking up at the sky I let the rain fall down on me. Us. Washing it all away. Don't I wish. That's not going to happen. Ever. I'm a murdered, a betrayer. As is Lilah. Aren't we a pair, made for each other. Still, I know what to expect from her. Or so I thought. I hadn't expected her to run away from me. Ever. I scared her. How many others had I scared away from me?
"Let's get inside and find a room with a running shower." Looking at her I push some wet hair out of her face and tuck it behind her ear. I narrow my eyes and take a good look at her. At her eyes. Into her eyes. "Thank you for coming back Lilah. I can't promise you..." That I'll stay sane? That I'll be who you once know? "...anything." But for her I'll try.
I look at her for a moment longer before sliding my hand down her arm and lace our fingers together. Tugging her toward the door, stop and open the door for her. I look back over my shoulder. Taking in the wet roof top washing away all evidence that we ever were here. Looking at the city rushing by for a long time until a tap on my arm make me look at her again. "Right, let's go." Following her I close the door behind me. The click of the door closing echoes in my mind for a long time. It's almost symbolic.
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