The 'Go To' Gal gets Busy.
So the partners brought me back to be some kind of 'get back on track' gal with Wesley? Sure, dying once and remembering the experience could throw anyone a little off kilter, but I got the impression that things weren't all that peachy in the ex-watcher/ex-lover camp. I wondered what plans the peeps upstairs had for him that required an '
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This wasn't the Wesley I remembered. What the hell had happened? He sounded like he was coming apart at the seams, or maybe was well past that.
I turned to a security guard who was lurking nearby.
"Well, don't just stand there gawking, get me a key or some kind of device that will open this door." I snapped at him, he nodded and scurried away. Useless, everyone was beyond stupid around here at the moment. I moved back to the door.
"Yes, I died, Wesley. But, so did you remember? It's all fixed now though. I'm alive. Open the damn door and you can see for yourself. I'm living, breathing, heck I've even got a pulse."
I try to smile at him through the glass, to reassure him.
"Let me in and I'll order up some tea. We can have earl grey or even that orange pekoe you're so fond of. Come on, Wes. It's me. I really need to talk to you."
Why did he sound so broken, so lost? Eve hadn't given me the full story and I was going to rip her a new one when I got the chance.
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Hesitantly I walk over to the window again, darting in to look for a brief moment. She's still there. Persistent woman. Just like my Lilah was. "Shut up, Lilah." "Make me" Lilah. Delilah. Could it be? She died. I died. Fred died. FredIllyriaFred. "Why can't I stay?" God, Fred. She's gone and she's not. She's here. But not.
"You've tea?" I say softly. No, no. She can't have tea. I'm not worthy of tea. Betrayer. Betrayed. ConnorBuffyConnor. So confusing. Then why am I opening the door? Quickly I hide behind the door, afraid that she'll actually come in. Afraid she'll not come in. So confusing. "Are you real?" Since when does my voice sound so small?
"Don't let any of the others in," I whisper from behind the door. "They don't know." They can't know. Never know. No Connor? For Buffy. Angel took over the firm for Buffy. But what happened to Connor then? Poor by. "The father will kill the son." Did Angel kill him?
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He was babbling at me, but he opened the door. I slipped in before he could shut it again. I moved to the desk and grabbed the phone. I ordered up a pot of earl grey tea and then slammed the receiver down.
"I'm real, Wesley. Poke and prod me if you have to. Listen to my heartbeat. It's there. And yes, the others don't know, don't remember the way you do. So you need to be careful."
He was hiding behind a door. The Wesley I knew was gone. How the hell was I supposed to handle this? What had tipped him over the edge?
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Narrowing my eyes, I put the book down carefully on the floor. I cares the spine for a moment. "You stay here. And don't tell anyone," I tell it. Tilting my head I walk over to where she's standing. Walking around her very slowly my eyes travel up and down her body. Trying to determine if she's real or not.
Tentatively I reach out and touch her face gently. My finger tips gliding over those oh so familiar features. Leaning in close I look into her eyes for a moment. "You're real," I whisper, scooting back a little. Point a finger at her I narrow my eyes again. "You're real. Why can't she be real?" Confused, I let my fingers flutter at my side for a while, biting my lip.
"At least you're real. I'm sorry I killed you, I had to. Or at least I think I did. So confusing." Clutching my head, I wince, trying to make sense of it all. FredIllyriaLilah. BuffyConnor. DeadNotDead. Rewind, rewrite. "Why do they keep messing with my mind?" My hands touch my stomach for a moment. "I was dead too."
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"You stay here. And don't tell anyone."
Something inside me was rebelling, not wanted to be here to witness this. To see the Wesley I knew so torn apart, so shattered by circumstance. I felt helpless against this new incarnation, like the way I felt when I visited my mother.
He came to me and slowly reached out to touch my face. I tried to hold myself still, let him confirm what his eyes told him.
"You're real. You're real. Why can't she be real?"
Who the hell was 'she'? I was tempted to ask, but was afraid what the answer might be, so I held my tongue.
"At least you're real. I'm sorry I killed you, I had to. Or at least I think I did. So confusing. Why do they keep messing with my mind. I was dead too."
"Wesley, I was already dead. It was not your fault." I said lamely, reaching out to touch his shoulder and afraid he would flinch away. "And yes you died too, but now you are alive again, and you'll be alright. You'll adjust."
But would I? Already I was fighting my own impulse to bolt out of the door. I didn't know if I could stand seeing him this broken. What the hell had happened to push him into this state?
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But Lilah is here. She's doesn't appear to be going anywhere. "I don't like it here," I announce, leaning back against the desk and crossing my arms. "They keep messing with my mind. They keep changing what happened. They killed her." Tilting my head I look back at her and smile. "But at least they brought you back. Again? You were back once before right?"
"It's not her, it can't be her."
"I have a signed dollar bill that says other wise."
"It's a lie."
"It's Li-lah."
It was, it wasn't. She was the only real thing here. The only real one, the only one I cared about back then. Still do. "Why did they bring you back. Now, I mean. I missed you before." Frowning I look at her suspiciously. Games, we used to play games. Was this a game?
A knock on my door has me startled and I quickly run over to the book to pick it up and hide behind the door. "Don't let them know I'm here," I whisper at Lilah. "I don't want to see anyone. Just you." Just her.
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"They keep messing with my mind. They keep changing what happened. They killed her. But at least they brought you back. Again? You were back once before right?"
Again with the 'she'. He wasn't talking about me, and the only other person I could think of was Fred. But why wouldn't she have been resurrected and reset like the rest of them?
"Why did they bring you back. Now, I mean. I missed you before."
"Wesley, I don't have all the answers. I guess they thought I could help you." I shook my head, what had Eve been thinking? He'd missed me? That was an interesting admission considering his unceremonious dumping of my ass. Still, underneath it all, I'd clung to the hope that he had cared, but was too stubborn to admit how much. After all I had been the anti-thesis of his ideal woman.
There was a knock on the door and he got all panicky again.
"Don't let them know I'm here. I don't want to see anyone. Just you."
I walked over to the door, opened it and took the tea tray from the guard who had brought it.
"They know you are here, Wesley. But it is just the tea." I showed him the tray and then placed it on the desk and started to set things out to pour him a cup. My hands were trembling a little but I did my best to cover it.
"Here you go." I told him, as I edged closer and present him with a cup of tea just how he liked it. "Go on, take it. It will calm you. Nothing like a good cup of tea to set the world right again you used to say. Look, leaves, not bags."
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My hands shake as I take over the cup from her. I drop the saucer on the floor and wrap my hands around the hot cup. This feels good. Warm, hot. FredIllyriaFred...Lilah.
"I'm good and I'm pure and science turns me on. And one day, if I pray hard enough and eat all my vegetables, I just might have hips!"
"You think you know me?"
"More then she ever will."
"Leave them on."
"You were her once," I say, looking at her curiously. She was wasn't she? Or not? Confusing. Gulping down the hot tea I wince and put the cup on the desk. My finger tip runs over my throat where a big scar is supposed to be. Betrayer betrayed.
"You could be her again," I whisper, moving closer to her. I'm so close I can feel her breath on my face, smell her breath. Lilah smells familiar somehow comforting. But she's not her. She's my Lilah. Leaning in I place a soft kiss on her lips and smile. "Fred."
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He seemed to like the tea, even thanked me for the cup I'd offered him. The saucer clattering to the floor and breaking into shards of china didn't help my unease though.
"You were her once," Wesley murmured. What was he talking about? I looked at him questioningly, hoping he'd elaborate.
"You could be her again..." He came closer, and soon was standing so close that I couldn't help but feel a sense of nervous anticipation. Then his lips were pressing against mine and I was thrown into confusion at the gesture. Despite myself I leaned into the kiss, willing it to last longer than the brief seconds of contact.
Then he smiled at me and whispered..."Fred."
I stiffened at the mention of her name and pulled back from him. He was looking right me, but suddenly I wondered if he was actually seeing me at all. Was he seeing gidget girl instead? Wishing I was her, instead of Lilah?
I backed away and made for the door.
"I-I'm sorry Wes. I can't do this."
I fled. Sure it was cowardly, and not at all what one would come to expect from Lilah Morgan, but I was past caring.
The Wes I had known, and loved, was gone.
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