The Ending of a Fixation - Prologue - Twilight

[fadewiththesong]

Title: The Ending of a Fixation
Fandom: Twilight
Summary: It’s hard work to be hopelessly in love with someone who doesn’t even know you exist. That’s why I've finally decided to move on with my life. Anyway, it’s not like tomorrow’s the day when Jared’s finally going to start noticing me.
Characters: Jared, Kim
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Jared/Kim
Word Count: ~900
Spoilers: None, really.
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.


Prologue

It’s hard work to be hopelessly in love someone who doesn’t even know you exist.

Well, I suppose that’s not entirely accurately. And I should probably set the record straight right now.

It’s not love.

I don’t love him.

At least, I don’t think I love him.

I’ve never actually been in love before, so I can’t really say for certain whether I love him or not. At times, I wonder how love could feel any stronger than what I feel for him. But I’m still not so sure it’s love. And I obviously can’t compare it to anything. But I believe that in order to be in love with someone, you have to, you know, at least have had a conversation with the object of your affection at some point. Which I haven’t. So I’m going to say that the whole love thing is a no. No, what I feel for Jared is more like an extremely vivid infatuation with Jared.

And, quite honestly, it sucks.

A lot.

Oh, I hate it. I really, really hate it.

Sure it felt great and all at first, that giddy, lighthearted feeling that I get whenever he looked at me. Or looked in my general direction really. I’m sort of invisible. That’s one of the parts that suck. It wouldn’t be so bad if he actually knew who I was.

I could deal with it if he did.

He doesn’t.

It’s awful. And as I said, I really do hate it.

I hate that I have been hopelessly infatuated with the same person for the last two years. And I hate that in the past two years he’s never looked twice at me. I hate the way he constantly dominates my thoughts. I hate the way his smile makes my breath catch in my throat. I hate the way his presence (or lack of it) can brighten or completely dampen my mood for the entire day. He’s been sick for the past two weeks and they have been two of the most miserable weeks of my life. And I hate that my happiness depends on someone who doesn’t even know me. I hate this weird, freaky power that Jared seems to have over me. And I hate that he’s completely oblivious to it. Stupid, stupid Jared.

Actually the thing that bothers me the most about Jared, the thing that I really, really hate is the fact that he is so…

He is just so… nice.

According to all those stereotypical, you know, stereotypes, he should be one of those typical, arrogant, athletic, unintelligent jerks. Yeah, that’s so not him. No. He has to be extremely attractive, exceedingly nice, and amazingly smart. Stupid, perfect. If he could be just a little less perfect than this would all be so much easier. If he had some actually defect that I could hate him for. Then I could forget about Jared. I could move on. I could shift my attention to guys who actually notice that I exist. To guys that are actually interested in me. To guys that I actually have a shot with.

But, no, Jared has to be absolutely perfect. Completely un-hate-able. Oh, I really hate the way he makes me feel. I hate the way I act around him. I hate the things he does to me (even if he is completely unaware of it). But I can’t actually bring myself to hate him.

Oh, I really wish he could be just a little less perfect. It would really make my life a lot less complicated. But that’s not going to happen. It’s not like that I could go up to Jared, form a coherent sentence, and have that coherent sentence be: “Hey, Jared, I’m sort of not in love with you, but hopelessly infatuated with you or something like that. Anyway, if you could be a little less perfect so that I could get over my unhealthy fixation that I have with you? Yeah, that’d be great. Maybe you could kick some puppies around me or fail some tests or get an extremely unattractive haircut?”

Yeah, he’d be completely fine with that. Note sarcasm. I doubt it would even work. The proof that he isn’t perfect, is actually human, and has faults would probably attract me to him even more. No, I cannot rely on Jared to suddenly become imperfectly awful in order for this ridiculous fixation to end. I am going to have to end this weird obsession with Jared myself. I accept that Jared will never be a part of my life. I will move on and forget about him and focus my attention elsewhere.

Starting tomorrow. At school.

I will not think about Jared.

I will not allow myself to be brought down by his probable absence tomorrow.

I will not allow my sole happiness to depend on his potential presence tomorrow.

And if, by some chance, Jared is there tomorrow, I won’t even notice. I will ignore his presence. It’s not like it’ll be that hard. He’s barely aware of my existence. So, I’ll just have to be barely aware of his.

I can do this.

How hard can it be?

I mean, what’s the likelihood that tomorrow is the day he’ll return and decide that he can’t live without me?

Not likely.