I cant take it...
I really feel like I am about to break....all the anti-depressants in the world can save me from this consuming sadness that I seem to be inflicted on yet again. I have lost so many people, and mostly because they were eigther hurtful assholes, something I dunno what I did, or I fucked up and they wont forgive me. I am all alone, and I just realized that I will be alone for my birthday this year. Everything I had this time last year I have lost. I cannot take anymore of this....school is so fucking hard...I am feeling so fucking alone...my grandma is dying, my mom is sick, and my sister is dying. I feel like I am going to break at any minute. This isnt even about the Kat and Andy thing, they can go burn in hell for all I care, they arent worth my time obviously. It's just everything else, I am so tired of having aqaintences....I want friends, I want people who actually pick up the phone and call me and say "lets hang out" instead of me sitting at home on a friday night asking people on my phone if I can hang out with them. I just need all this pain and shit to go away. I am so tired of this....I would rather feel nothing right now rather than feel anything. Heh....and those who still give half a shit about me think I am an alcoholic/drug addict/whore.....which I am fucking no where near....I love how stories and words get twisted and things are taken out of context and everyone listens to what "a friend of a friend" told them. I just can't deal with anymore of this shit....I was walking outside smoking tonight and I saw a train coming down the tracks and seriously contemplated "If I jumped infront of this train and died...would anyone give a fucking shit?" I just need to know that someone gives a shit...that someone cares...that I am not so fucking alone that it hurts. I know I have Kyle and Mary....but I feel like I am loosing them, Mary is going through the same shit as me, so it's ironic...but we cant even touch eachother. I dunno....I just need to go to bed and disappear...