Hands of Fate: Chapter Twenty-Nine
Title: Caught in the Hands of Fate
Author: fadedsparks
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: trueshellz
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: R, with NC-17 in later chapters
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Warnings: Violence and Homophobia. Also, Jensen and Jared are the same age in this story.
Summary: Jensen has had his share of ups and downs, but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him, and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.
-~*~-
Chapter Twenty-Nine:
Hold My Heart
-~*~-
Jensen steps out of the vehicle Jared had borrowed from Chad and looks up at the building Jared has driven him to, the place he’d planned to take Jensen to for their date. A crease forms between his eyebrows as he turns a confused frown onto Jared, who now stands at his side. “Tom’s apartment building?” He asks with a raised eyebrow, not meaning to sound skeptical but very much unsure why Jared would take him here of all places.
Jared gives him an answering grin as he shrugs his shoulders. “Don’t diss it until you know what I have planned,” the grin on his face grows as Jensen’s eyebrow rise higher but he doesn’t offer up an explanation, just motions for Jensen to follow him into the building.
This, admittedly, has Jensen intrigued. He doesn’t know what Jared could possibly have planned at Tom’s apartment of all places but he finds himself eager to find out. This isn’t going to be fun, he thinks to himself as he steps into the building and his eyes land on the staircase.
With Jensen’s limp serving as a bit of a hindrance, the climb up to the roof is slower than it normally would be. Jared sends him concerned, painful glances as they walk up the stairs but Jensen gives him reassuring smiles despite the slight ache his leg gets from the climb. The slight pain and tiredness he feels could be a lot worse however, and he tells Jared as much when the shaggy haired man voices his concerns.
“Small price to pay,” is what he says, and Jared frowns at this but doesn’t say anything in response, and seems to think it is pointless anyway.
I’m alive, a bum leg really is a small price to pay, he thinks to himself but doesn’t give voice to his thoughts, seeing reciprocating thoughts flittering across Jared’s face as well.
By the time they reach the rooftop, Jensen is a little winded but grateful to have made it up the stairs with minimal trouble. A soft air of breath whooshes from his lungs when his eyes land on the intimate table set for two in the middle of the rooftop, candles being their only light save for the moon and a blanket lies spread out on the floor close by.
“Wow,” the word rushes from his lungs as he takes in the sight before him, stepping forward slightly but stopping a few steps in. “This is….” He can’t even think of a proper word for it, not one that would adequately express what he’s thinking.
“I hope that means you like it,” Jared chuckles but it sounds a bit self-conscious and Jensen looks over at him with a soft expression in his eyes.
“I do, very much so.”
He moves further in, towards the table and can’t help but to smile as he looks around at everything. For a roof, the people living here have sure made it feel comfortable. There are a few potted plants and flowers placed strategically around the rooftop, a landscape artist must live in the building, because despite the small area, there is a garden up here.
There is a stone walkway leading to the table, which is covered with a white tablecloth, candles placed around it for an intimate lighting. His eyes fall back onto the blanket he’d seen when he first saw the rooftop and realizes it’s actually a couple of blankets, more padding for better comfort and he wonders silently what they’ll be needing that for, but he lets the thought go for now in favor of checking out what sits atop the table.
The plates have covers over them so he can’t tell what Jared has prepared and he turns questioning eyes to the man who is silent beside him. He has clearly gone to a lot of trouble setting this all up, and Jensen isn’t quite sure what to think. It isn’t that he doesn’t appreciate all the work Jared did to do this, but it’s such an intimate gesture and Jensen isn’t sure either of them is ready for this. He had thought they’d start out slow, spend some time together, get to know one another again, maybe just start over again, and work their way back up. This is nice and sweet but it just seems to be too much too soon.
Jared smiles sheepishly as he moves to stand at Jensen’s side. “I can see the thoughts written all over your face.”
Jensen flushes and turns away. He didn’t want to make Jared feel bad, or discouraged, what he did really was nice, but he truly thought this was too much.
Jensen is forced to look back at Jared when a hand gently grabs his chin and tilts his head up, green eyes meeting soft yet sad hazel. “I’m not trying to rush things Jen, just let me explain before you clam up on me or shut me down.”
Jensen feels bad that Jared would even think he’d shut him down because of this, but he also realizes his reaction hadn’t been encouraging at all, so he knows he’s to blame for Jared’s uncertainty. He gives a nod to show he’s listening but doesn’t verbally say so. Jared takes it for the good sign that it is and lets out a breath.
“I know this looks like an intimate dinner for two, and it kind of is with all the candles, but it’s dark up here with no lights so candles was my best option. And I didn’t go out of my way with dinner either, it’s just pizza,” he says as he lifts one of the covers over a plate to reveal the food underneath. “I know you’re still unsure and afraid to be in public with me, especially if people see it for what it is, a date.”
Jared stresses the word ‘date’ and Jensen can understand. He knows he has been unsure about things, is afraid to start anything with Jared that he may not be able to finish or even meet him halfway on, but Jared is stubborn and persistent and is determined to make Jensen know this is a date. Surprisingly, the idea of a date with Jared isn’t scary and it doesn’t make him feel uneasy. Sure, going on a date in public does terrify him, and he’s worried he can’t give Jared what he needs or wants, but the thought of going on a date with Jared doesn’t bother him. It’s just the whole public thing he needs to work on.
“I thought the roof would be a perfect choice, no one around to gawk at us and make you feel uneasy. We can just be ourselves up here, can talk without being overheard, and I brought the blankets up here so we’d have a place to sit or lie down once we’re done eating. We can just lay here and look up at the stars, or we can talk… I’m not expecting anything Jensen; I just wanted you to feel comfortable.”
Jensen is touched by the thought Jared put into this, and how much the man cares, there’s no doubt about that. He isn’t quite sure what to say because he hadn’t been expecting this and it’s just so thoughtful of Jared to do this for him. Instantly he finds himself relaxing, warming up to the idea of this date with the man he still loves and giving them another chance, to put things right between them.
“This is wonderful Jared, thank you,” he whispers, a bit choked up, as he smiles and tilts his head back to look up at the night sky. He blinks a few times, the smile on his face growing brighter as his eyes dart around the sky. “The stars look incredible from up here.”
When he looks back to Jared, he is met with a beaming grin that melts away whatever doubts remained in his mind.
:0Ж0:
They take their time eating the pizza and drinking their sodas, sharing idle chat that is mostly unimportant topics to fill the silence. It is comfortable and relaxing though, and both of them are quite pleased with how the evening is progressing so far. Jensen seems comfortable, and has even been laughing, smiling both shyly and amused, so Jared counts that as a win.
In fact, the date is going better than he’d been expecting it to, especially when he had seen the flashes of doubt that crossed Jensen’s face when he saw what Jared had done. Even as the idea had entered his mind, he’d known Jensen would likely be unsure, and think they were moving too fast. He had known there was a strong possibility that it would scare Jensen away, but Jared had gone forward with his plan regardless, just hoping for the best outcome.
Once they are finished with their meal, Jared puts things away and cautiously takes Jensen by the hand. Jensen only tenses momentarily before relaxing, remembering that they are alone up here, and Jared squeezes his hand reassuringly. He leads Jensen over to the spread out blanket on the floor and releases Jensen’s hand, moving to sit down. Jensen follows him down, his legs bent in front of him as he makes himself comfortable.
Jared smiles to himself as he lies back, keeping his hands to himself but looking at Jensen hopefully. He really isn’t expecting anything, but he is hoping Jensen will just let himself relax completely and stop worrying so much.
Jensen appears undecided as he looks to Jared and then to the blanket, a look of consideration fleeting across his face before schooling his expression into one of determination as he lies down on his back and looks up at the stars. Jared smiles to himself as he finally allows himself to relax, keeping one hand at his side and the other resting on his stomach as he, too, looks up at the stars.
“It’s beautiful up here, isn’t it?” He breaks the silence that has befallen them.
“It really is,” Jensen lets out a breathy whisper, appearing so content to just lie there beside Jared and look up at the stars. “I find it hard to believe that there are actual places here in LA where the stars can be seen so clearly.”
Jared simply nods his head in agreement and they both fall silent again, content to share the silence and enjoy one another’s presence. To Jared, this is perfect. It is just nice having Jensen there again, at his side and with him. He’d missed the other man’s presence in his life, being able to see him and talk with him. There has been this emptiness inside of him that only Jensen could fill, and having him there now makes Jared feel complete again.
“I’m sorry, Jared.” Jensen’s soft voice startles Jared out of his reverie, and the words cause a frown to form on his lips.
He turns his head against the blanket to regard the quiet man beside him, wondering where that apology came from. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Jen.”
Jensen releases a humorless chuckle as he turns his head to look back into Jared’s eyes, a sad smile pulling at his lips. “No I have plenty to be sorry for Jay, how I treated you, most of all.” He shakes his head but he doesn’t look away from Jared’s eyes. “I didn’t do right by you, Jared, I know that, and I really am sorry about everything. I regret the way I did things.”
Jared would be lying if he said he wasn’t lost right now, he has no idea what Jensen is apologizing for, or what he means by any of this. Didn’t do right by me? Is he serious? He questions incredulously but doesn’t open his mouth just yet to give this voice, needing Jensen to explain himself first.
“I wasn’t being fair to you, when I pushed you away right after the attack. After everything you’d done, coming out to your family the way you did, and being there for me when I woke up… I was being a coward.” Jensen’s eyes are downcast as he says this, shame and regret radiating off of him in waves. Jared wants to reach out, take him in his arms and smother him with reassurances until he feels better, but Jensen is speaking again before he can even move.
“At the time I’d tried to tell myself I was doing it for you, that I couldn’t give you what you needed, and I didn’t deserve you. I’m not saying I didn’t truly feel that way, but it was more than that too, I was scared and I ran. I walked away from the best thing that has ever happened to me because I was afraid of getting hurt. Whether I was afraid of getting hurt by you or the world in general, I don’t know, maybe a little of both. But, the point is, I hurt myself by pushing you away. I hurt both of us, and I’m sorry, Jared. I’m sorry for all the hurt I caused you.”
Jared is silent long enough that Jensen finally lifts his head again to look at him, hurt and regret shining in those green eyes that Jared loves. He stays quiet for a moment longer, silently contemplating what he is going to say. “Do you regret ending things the way you did? I mean, it hurt, but was it the best thing for you at the time?”
Jensen bites his lip, and gives a barely there nod of his head, eyes falling. “I regret the pain I caused you, but… I was a mess, Jared, and I realize having you there for support would’ve been easier, leaning on you would have helped, but… I think I needed to face the healing process on my own. I was so selfish, thinking only of myself. I wasn’t a nice person to be around then.”
He shakes his head, a small smile gracing his face as he lifts his eyes to Jared’s again. “I know you wanted to be there for me, and I’m sorry my insecurities and fear hurt you, but at the same time…” He pauses a moment to get his thoughts in order and then he’s smiling again, genuine and happy. “Taking that time to focus on myself, to focus on dealing with the attack, and pushing myself to get better? I think I’m stronger now, for it. I’m not completely healed from the trauma but I’m so much better now than I was before, and I have to say I’m proud of the fact that I got there on my own.”
Putting aside all the hurt and pain the breakup had caused him, Jared can admit it’s good to hear Jensen talking like this. It’s good to see him smiling. “I’m proud of you too, Jensen, and am amazed by your strength. To get through what you experienced, on your own, takes a remarkable amount of strength, and I honestly couldn’t be more proud of you.”
Jensen blushes at the praises but doesn’t turn away. “It wasn’t all me, I had professionals to talk to that helped me deal with everything.”
Jared shakes his head. “Don’t downplay it Jen, it takes a strong person to go through what you did and come out of it as well as you have. You have every right to feel proud.” He smiles a bit. “It hurt when you left me, but I understood why you did, after a while anyway, once I let myself consider your reasons. With what you went through, you had every right to feel scared and unsure. I’m just glad you came back to me when you were ready, that’s what matters.”
Jensen’s eyes are swimming with emotions as Jared falls silent again, and he reaches down tentatively, hand sliding against Jared’s before slipping underneath to entwine their fingers and hold on tight. It may not seem like a very brave move, with them being up on the roof alone and with no one in sight, but Jared grasps the gravity of the gesture, and it warms his heart.
“That’s not all I’m sorry for Jared. Even before the attack, I was pushing you for things you weren’t ready for, and I should’ve known better. I know how hard it is coming out to your parents, and just coming to accept your sexuality in general, and I pushed you too hard. I should have been more patient, and content with what you could give me at the time, but instead I pushed you too hard and asked for things you weren’t comfortable with yet. You needed time and I hadn’t given it to you…”
“Jen, stop. Okay? Stop with the apologies.” Jared tells him gently but firm at the same time, not out of irritation but care. “Yes, I wasn’t ready, but you had been patient with me and I did you wrong. You can say what you want, deny it all you want, but we both know I treated you badly back then. I wasn’t without my faults, some blame for the way things happened lies with me, and you honestly can’t say it doesn’t. We both know I could have and should have done some things differently. I hurt you, and for that I am sorry.”
“How about we agree that we both were wrong, share equal amounts of the blame, and let it go at that?” Jensen proposes, a tiny smile quirking his lips.
Jared relaxes once more, a reciprocating smile on his own lips as he nods his head. “That sounds good to me. Just, please, stop apologizing for things. Alright? You don’t need to be sorry about anything, and I’d much rather just put it behind us.”
Jensen releases a breathy laugh but nods his head as well. “No more apologies, I can do that.”
Jared gently squeezes Jensen’s hand and gets a squeeze to his hand in response, a silent reassurance going out to both of them, a truce to let the past go and focus on the here and now. “Forgive me if this shouldn’t be said, but I have missed you so much.”
Jensen slowly lowers his eyelashes, a quirk of a smile as he lifts them once more. “I missed you too, more than you would probably believe. It may not have seemed like it, but I never stopped loving you, never stopped wishing you were with me.”
A grin blossoms on Jared’s face. “I can believe that, and I never thought you stopped loving me, Jen. Sure, it was hard, and I was hurt, but I knew you loved me. But, I also knew you were in a rough place, and you were hurting, scared. I had hoped you missed me as much as I missed you, but not once did I doubt your love… it’s good to hear though, it’s reassuring.”
“I do, I love you so much, Jay.” Jensen tells him softly, with feeling, as he moves a bit closer, until their arms are pressing together.
“I love you too Jen, always will.” He whispers back as he lifts up onto his elbow and looks down at Jensen. “Is it too soon to ask if I can kiss you? Will you turn me away? It’s okay if you don’t want to just yet.”
He knows he is rambling, doubts swimming in his head, and hoping he isn’t overstepping any boundaries Jensen has put up. Jensen smiles fondly as he releases his hold on Jared’s hand to grasp onto his arm and pull him down slightly. Jared winds up having to reposition himself to keep his balance, and finds himself leaning over Jensen, those green eyes staring up at him with so much emotion Jared feels he may drown in it.
“You need to tell me it’s okay, Jen,” Jared says softly, unwilling to make any moves unless he’s absolutely sure Jensen wants it. “I need to hear the words.”
“I want you to,” Jensen whispers. “It‘s okay, I’m ready and won’t panic, I promise.”
Jared stares down at Jensen beneath him, a soft tilt of his lips as he reaches out and takes Jensen’s chin in hand. His fingers slide up the strong curve of his jaw, fingers splaying across his cheek and the side of his neck, thumb caressing his chin as he dips down and takes possession of Jensen’s mouth.
Jensen makes a sort of mewling sound the moment their lips touch, arching up into the sweet kiss, a hand resting on Jared’s bicep while his arm snakes around Jared’s back and presses his palm against the muscles, not applying any pressure, just feeling. Jared keeps the kiss light and tender, their lips brushing together slowly, and making no move to deepen it.
The man beneath him is pliant and content, making soft, pleased noises through his mouth as they kiss, and Jared couldn’t possibly think of anything better than this. They are barely doing anything, have no plans of taking this any further, but it is still one of the best things Jared has done. He loves the feel of Jensen beneath him, trading soft and lazy kisses, sometimes just sharing breath. It is arousing and thrilling, and Jared finds that they could spend the whole night just doing this and he would be quite happy.
They are only just beginning to find each other again though, have hurt each other enough that rebuilding the trust broken between them will take time, and rushing things right now wouldn’t be the wisest decision either of them have ever made. But lying here with Jensen, just having him in his arms, and kissing him softly, is something he has missed so much, and Jensen isn’t complaining so he figures this is okay.
They have a ways to go, their relationship is fragile and Jensen has his issues to work through, but tonight none of that matters. For tonight, they can have this.
:0Ж0:
They go on a couple of dates after that but avoid public places. Jensen is acting a bit more like himself every day, feeling more like himself, but he’s not ready to hold hands and kiss Jared where everyone can see. It isn’t that he’s ashamed, he just can’t let go of his fear of some bigoted asshole seeing and hurting either of them because of it.
He knows he is probably being irrational, not everyone in the world is going to hurt them or be disgusted, especially here, in California where people are freer to be who they are, but that doesn’t take away his fears. He’s still not sure when he’ll be ready to take their relationship public, or if he ever will, but Jared made him promise not to dwell on it and to just take things one day at a time.
It’s not easy but he’s doing his best to keep that promise.
“What’s got you looking so glum?”
Jensen raises his eyes from the paper to see Chad approaching the table he’s sitting at in the campus library. His friend pulls out the chair across from him, turns it around and plops down onto it backwards, crossing his arms over the top of it.
Jensen frowns and rubs at his forehead, sighing softly. “I’m in need of a new place of employment. With how long I was away, my boss couldn’t hold my position at the café and had to hire someone else in my place. I understand, but now I have no idea what I’m going to do for work.”
“Having no luck with the want ads?” Chad asks glancing at the paper laid out on the table.
Jensen grumbles under his breath and gives a shake of his head. “The few places I’ve checked into either have already hired someone or I never get called back for an interview. One place looked hopeful, but they can’t give me a schedule that works around my classes, so that’s not an option.”
Chad laughs when Jensen drops his head down onto the table and bangs it lightly a couple of times. “Stop that,” he says, slipping his hand between Jensen’s forehead and the table. “Jared seems fond of your forehead, I doubt he’d be happy to find out you have any permanent damage from the abuse you’re putting it through.”
“This is seriously hopeless.” Jensen lifts his head to give his friend a morose look. “I’m really beginning to doubt anyone’s going to hire me. Getting a job that works with my school schedule is hard enough, there are people out there more experienced and more reliable than me, of course they’d choose them over me.”
“Cheer up young grasshopper,” Chad replies jovially, and Jensen raises an eyebrow incredulously at Chad’s choice of words just as much as his easygoing response. “I might have the answer to your problem.”
“Do I want to know?” Jensen asks, mostly teasing, as he gathers his things and motions for his friend to follow him out of the library.
“Ye o’ little faith,” he clutches his chest and shakes his head, and again Jensen is wondering what the hell is with Chad’s vocabulary today. His friend has said some off the wall things before, mostly being his douchebag self, but this is just ridiculous.
“Why do you keep talking like that?” He finally breaks down and asks.
Chad scowls and rolls his eyes. “Do you want to know my idea or not, Ass-face?”
Ah, that’s more like it, he thinks with an inward grin. “Okay, fine. Please, go on.”
Chad grins, satisfied, and follows Jensen outside to one of the tables on campus. They get themselves situated, Jensen enjoying the sunshine on his face, and Chad leans on his elbows. “We both know I’m my boss’ favorite, one of the few employees’ he can count on.”
Jensen rolls his hand, telling him to go on. They all know that despite how often Chad gets fired Jim always hires him back, much to everyone’s disbelief. “Well, if I put in a good word for you I’m sure Jim would be happy to hire you on.” Chad says with a nonchalant shrug, pulling a bag of chips out of his backpack and popping one into his mouth.
“Is Jim even hiring anybody right now?” He asks, considering the possibility but not wanting to give the idea much weight until he’s sure he might have a shot.
Chad nods. “He fired this dipshit last week, so you could fill that position.”
“What are you guys talking about?” Jensen looks up to find Jared and Will standing there. This is a bit unusual, seeing as Jared and his roommate never spend time together, and he raises an eyebrow curiously.
“Came by your place looking for you,” is the answer Jared gives as he takes a seat next to Jensen and looks between him and Chad curiously.
“I was telling your boy here that Jim’s hiring, figured I could put in a good word for him, maybe get him the position.”
Jared perks up at that, clearly thinking this is a good idea. “Hell, why not? You worked at that café; you’re capable of making gourmet coffee, so I don’t see why you’d have trouble getting hired at a coffee shop, especially with Chad helping out.”
“See? I have good ideas, just no one ever believes me.” Chad gives a smug smile to which everyone currently present rolls their eyes at and then chooses not to comment.
“You really think I should look into it?” Jensen asks, biting his lip in contemplation and not able to find a reason this wouldn’t be a good idea. Not that he was trying all that hard.
“I think so, but honestly, what other choices have you had?” Will points out reasonably, and Jensen nods his head in agreement.
“Alright then,” he says with determination, slapping his hands down onto the table with a grin. “I’ll head in this afternoon to fill out an application.”
“This is great, hopefully everything will work out and you’ll find yourself employed again,” Jared says with a smile and reaches over to lay his hand on top of Jensen’s.
Jensen snatches his hand back as if he’d been burnt, looking around them to see if anyone is looking, and flinches at the brief look of hurt that crosses Jared’s face. He knows he reacted badly, and that small gut reaction hurt his boyfriend. Just knowing that fills him with shame and makes him feel physically ill.
He closes his eyes tightly, breathing slowly, and internally berating himself for being such a coward, for letting this fear rule not just his life but now Jared’s as well. Jared hasn’t expected anything from him, has been very patient and understanding even, but every time he does this Jensen still feels terrible. He hates being this way, but he doesn’t know how to stop.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers before pushing off of the bench seat and striding away as fast as he can, even as Jared pleads with him to come back.
:0Ж0:
Jensen has been hiding out in his room ever since his slight freak out. He can’t be sure how long he’s been here, but he knows it can’t be more than ten or fifteen minutes. He considers finding Jared and apologizing, not just for how he reacted but also for running away, but he can’t bring himself to move. He feels embarrassed and ashamed of himself, facing Jared now isn’t something he can do, but hiding out until he’s ready sounds like a great option.
Yep, I’m a coward, he sighs softly and sits down on his bed. Leaning his back against the headboard, he draws his knees up and crosses his arms over top of them. He contemplates what he will say to Jared the next time he sees him, but is pulled from his thoughts at the sound of a key being pushed into the lock of the door. He sighs once more to himself, not wanting to know what Will is going to say in response to how he reacted earlier.
The door opens a moment later and Jensen looks up to see his roommate letting Jared into the room. Jensen blinks slowly before glaring at Will, whom just winks and closes the door behind him, leaving Jensen alone with Jared. Traitor, he thinks glumly.
“You ran away from me,” Jared speaks plainly, as he stands at the foot of the bed.
Jensen drops his eyes down to the comforter on his bed, picking at an imaginary piece of lint. “I know, I’m sorry.” His voice is quiet as he says this, still unable to raise his head to meet Jared’s eyes. “I… I shouldn’t have reacted that way, running away, and to the touch itself. I don’t know why I have to be so fucked up.”
Jared sighs, and moves to sit beside Jensen on the bed. Jensen moves over a bit to make room, and then Jared’s arm is circling his waist, pulling him into the warmth of his side. “I don’t expect for you to feel comfortable with things like that yet Jensen, it’s only been a couple of weeks since you’ve been back. I don’t know how long it’ll take for you to be okay with things, like holding hands or even just casual touches, but I certainly didn’t expect you to be okay with it right now. This is going to take time, and I’m more than okay with that. You don’t have to feel bad for being uncomfortable or afraid, and you don’t have to run away from me when those times come around.”
“I know it was childish, but I saw the hurt on your face, I was ashamed, and I just couldn’t take it,” Jensen shrugs, still hating himself for how he reacted, and the fact that he can’t do things like that without panicking, even if just slightly. “I don’t want to be this way.”
“You won’t always be this way,” Jared tells him, and says it like he really believes this. Jensen isn’t so sure he shares that belief, but he would like to. “But, for now, that’s something you’re dealing with, and you’ve got to give yourself time to get past it. This isn’t something that will go away overnight, it’s something you’re gonna have to work through, and you don’t need to rush yourself. I’ll be as patient as you need me to be, but you need to have some patience with yourself as well.”
Jensen sighs heavily and leans into the comfort of Jared’s side, dropping his head down against Jared’s shoulder. “Some days it really seems like I’ll never get better, never get passed this. I want to reach that point in all of this where I’m okay with holding your hand in public instead of panicking at the slightest touch. People keep saying I’ll get there some day but it’s just taking so long… I just hate how much this is ruling my life.” He shakes his head against Jared’s shoulder, resigned, and looks up at him. “What if everyone’s wrong? What if I never get past this? What then? Where would that leave us?”
“I don’t know what’s gonna happen Jen, whether you’ll get past this fear or not, though I like to believe you will eventually. But, if you don’t… well, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I don’t know about you, but I don’t care to worry about something that might not happen. I’d much rather take this one step at a time, face everything that comes at us in its own time.” He lets out another audible sigh as he moves to lie down on his back, pulling Jensen down with him.
Jensen curls up into Jared’s side, head resting against his shoulder, hand reaching out to lay flat against the beat of Jared’s heart. He closes his eyes and just focuses on that rhythmic beating against his palm, letting it ground him and put him at ease.
“I know this is bothering you but you can’t rush yourself, it’ll happen in its own time. And I’m here, to help you through it, and be as patient as you need me to be. Either way, I’m not going anywhere, Jen. I promise you that.”
Jensen feels the kiss that is placed to the top of his head, and a smile pulls at his lips. It feels good, the reassurance that Jared’s there, that he’s not going to run if things get tough. In a way, Jensen feels that their roles have been reversed; Jared is the strong one fighting to keep them together while Jensen is nearly running scared. Inwardly he rolls his eyes at himself. I’m not running anywhere, he reminds himself, determined not to let this push him away from Jared again.
“We’ll make it through this,” he says softly, telling himself this just as much as Jared.
He doesn’t have to look to know that Jared is nodding his head. “Just as we have everything else,” he responds, and it sounds like a promise to Jensen’s ears, reassurance, and belief. It gives him hope.
:0Ж0:
Jared feels the moment Jensen relaxes into him, pleased that for the moment the other man is content. He isn’t fooled, he knows this issue likely hasn’t been dropped, that it’ll pop up again at some point, but he’s glad to have dealt with it for the time being. This hasn’t exactly been easy on Jared, at least not as easy as he’s tried to make everyone believe.
Having Jensen here with him again feels surreal at times. He’s grateful for the chance they have been given to make things right between them, to work on their relationship, but some old hurts still linger for both of them. He is still a little hurt that Jensen pushed him away, broke up with him even after telling his parents that he’s gay and in love, but he’s doing his best to move beyond it, and leave it in the past where it belongs.
What they truly need is time to relearn each other, and get things right this time. He knows this, but he also knows it won’t be easy, isn’t expecting it to be. No matter what, he’s worth it, he tells himself as he tightens his arms around the man beside him and closes his eyes. The road has not been a smooth one for them, but he isn’t going to give up now, Jensen means too much to him to let him go now. I’ll stand by him every step of the way.
Next
Author: fadedsparks
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: trueshellz
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: R, with NC-17 in later chapters
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Warnings: Violence and Homophobia. Also, Jensen and Jared are the same age in this story.
Summary: Jensen has had his share of ups and downs, but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him, and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.
-~*~-
Chapter Twenty-Nine:
Hold My Heart
-~*~-
Jensen steps out of the vehicle Jared had borrowed from Chad and looks up at the building Jared has driven him to, the place he’d planned to take Jensen to for their date. A crease forms between his eyebrows as he turns a confused frown onto Jared, who now stands at his side. “Tom’s apartment building?” He asks with a raised eyebrow, not meaning to sound skeptical but very much unsure why Jared would take him here of all places.
Jared gives him an answering grin as he shrugs his shoulders. “Don’t diss it until you know what I have planned,” the grin on his face grows as Jensen’s eyebrow rise higher but he doesn’t offer up an explanation, just motions for Jensen to follow him into the building.
This, admittedly, has Jensen intrigued. He doesn’t know what Jared could possibly have planned at Tom’s apartment of all places but he finds himself eager to find out. This isn’t going to be fun, he thinks to himself as he steps into the building and his eyes land on the staircase.
With Jensen’s limp serving as a bit of a hindrance, the climb up to the roof is slower than it normally would be. Jared sends him concerned, painful glances as they walk up the stairs but Jensen gives him reassuring smiles despite the slight ache his leg gets from the climb. The slight pain and tiredness he feels could be a lot worse however, and he tells Jared as much when the shaggy haired man voices his concerns.
“Small price to pay,” is what he says, and Jared frowns at this but doesn’t say anything in response, and seems to think it is pointless anyway.
I’m alive, a bum leg really is a small price to pay, he thinks to himself but doesn’t give voice to his thoughts, seeing reciprocating thoughts flittering across Jared’s face as well.
By the time they reach the rooftop, Jensen is a little winded but grateful to have made it up the stairs with minimal trouble. A soft air of breath whooshes from his lungs when his eyes land on the intimate table set for two in the middle of the rooftop, candles being their only light save for the moon and a blanket lies spread out on the floor close by.
“Wow,” the word rushes from his lungs as he takes in the sight before him, stepping forward slightly but stopping a few steps in. “This is….” He can’t even think of a proper word for it, not one that would adequately express what he’s thinking.
“I hope that means you like it,” Jared chuckles but it sounds a bit self-conscious and Jensen looks over at him with a soft expression in his eyes.
“I do, very much so.”
He moves further in, towards the table and can’t help but to smile as he looks around at everything. For a roof, the people living here have sure made it feel comfortable. There are a few potted plants and flowers placed strategically around the rooftop, a landscape artist must live in the building, because despite the small area, there is a garden up here.
There is a stone walkway leading to the table, which is covered with a white tablecloth, candles placed around it for an intimate lighting. His eyes fall back onto the blanket he’d seen when he first saw the rooftop and realizes it’s actually a couple of blankets, more padding for better comfort and he wonders silently what they’ll be needing that for, but he lets the thought go for now in favor of checking out what sits atop the table.
The plates have covers over them so he can’t tell what Jared has prepared and he turns questioning eyes to the man who is silent beside him. He has clearly gone to a lot of trouble setting this all up, and Jensen isn’t quite sure what to think. It isn’t that he doesn’t appreciate all the work Jared did to do this, but it’s such an intimate gesture and Jensen isn’t sure either of them is ready for this. He had thought they’d start out slow, spend some time together, get to know one another again, maybe just start over again, and work their way back up. This is nice and sweet but it just seems to be too much too soon.
Jared smiles sheepishly as he moves to stand at Jensen’s side. “I can see the thoughts written all over your face.”
Jensen flushes and turns away. He didn’t want to make Jared feel bad, or discouraged, what he did really was nice, but he truly thought this was too much.
Jensen is forced to look back at Jared when a hand gently grabs his chin and tilts his head up, green eyes meeting soft yet sad hazel. “I’m not trying to rush things Jen, just let me explain before you clam up on me or shut me down.”
Jensen feels bad that Jared would even think he’d shut him down because of this, but he also realizes his reaction hadn’t been encouraging at all, so he knows he’s to blame for Jared’s uncertainty. He gives a nod to show he’s listening but doesn’t verbally say so. Jared takes it for the good sign that it is and lets out a breath.
“I know this looks like an intimate dinner for two, and it kind of is with all the candles, but it’s dark up here with no lights so candles was my best option. And I didn’t go out of my way with dinner either, it’s just pizza,” he says as he lifts one of the covers over a plate to reveal the food underneath. “I know you’re still unsure and afraid to be in public with me, especially if people see it for what it is, a date.”
Jared stresses the word ‘date’ and Jensen can understand. He knows he has been unsure about things, is afraid to start anything with Jared that he may not be able to finish or even meet him halfway on, but Jared is stubborn and persistent and is determined to make Jensen know this is a date. Surprisingly, the idea of a date with Jared isn’t scary and it doesn’t make him feel uneasy. Sure, going on a date in public does terrify him, and he’s worried he can’t give Jared what he needs or wants, but the thought of going on a date with Jared doesn’t bother him. It’s just the whole public thing he needs to work on.
“I thought the roof would be a perfect choice, no one around to gawk at us and make you feel uneasy. We can just be ourselves up here, can talk without being overheard, and I brought the blankets up here so we’d have a place to sit or lie down once we’re done eating. We can just lay here and look up at the stars, or we can talk… I’m not expecting anything Jensen; I just wanted you to feel comfortable.”
Jensen is touched by the thought Jared put into this, and how much the man cares, there’s no doubt about that. He isn’t quite sure what to say because he hadn’t been expecting this and it’s just so thoughtful of Jared to do this for him. Instantly he finds himself relaxing, warming up to the idea of this date with the man he still loves and giving them another chance, to put things right between them.
“This is wonderful Jared, thank you,” he whispers, a bit choked up, as he smiles and tilts his head back to look up at the night sky. He blinks a few times, the smile on his face growing brighter as his eyes dart around the sky. “The stars look incredible from up here.”
When he looks back to Jared, he is met with a beaming grin that melts away whatever doubts remained in his mind.
:0Ж0:
They take their time eating the pizza and drinking their sodas, sharing idle chat that is mostly unimportant topics to fill the silence. It is comfortable and relaxing though, and both of them are quite pleased with how the evening is progressing so far. Jensen seems comfortable, and has even been laughing, smiling both shyly and amused, so Jared counts that as a win.
In fact, the date is going better than he’d been expecting it to, especially when he had seen the flashes of doubt that crossed Jensen’s face when he saw what Jared had done. Even as the idea had entered his mind, he’d known Jensen would likely be unsure, and think they were moving too fast. He had known there was a strong possibility that it would scare Jensen away, but Jared had gone forward with his plan regardless, just hoping for the best outcome.
Once they are finished with their meal, Jared puts things away and cautiously takes Jensen by the hand. Jensen only tenses momentarily before relaxing, remembering that they are alone up here, and Jared squeezes his hand reassuringly. He leads Jensen over to the spread out blanket on the floor and releases Jensen’s hand, moving to sit down. Jensen follows him down, his legs bent in front of him as he makes himself comfortable.
Jared smiles to himself as he lies back, keeping his hands to himself but looking at Jensen hopefully. He really isn’t expecting anything, but he is hoping Jensen will just let himself relax completely and stop worrying so much.
Jensen appears undecided as he looks to Jared and then to the blanket, a look of consideration fleeting across his face before schooling his expression into one of determination as he lies down on his back and looks up at the stars. Jared smiles to himself as he finally allows himself to relax, keeping one hand at his side and the other resting on his stomach as he, too, looks up at the stars.
“It’s beautiful up here, isn’t it?” He breaks the silence that has befallen them.
“It really is,” Jensen lets out a breathy whisper, appearing so content to just lie there beside Jared and look up at the stars. “I find it hard to believe that there are actual places here in LA where the stars can be seen so clearly.”
Jared simply nods his head in agreement and they both fall silent again, content to share the silence and enjoy one another’s presence. To Jared, this is perfect. It is just nice having Jensen there again, at his side and with him. He’d missed the other man’s presence in his life, being able to see him and talk with him. There has been this emptiness inside of him that only Jensen could fill, and having him there now makes Jared feel complete again.
“I’m sorry, Jared.” Jensen’s soft voice startles Jared out of his reverie, and the words cause a frown to form on his lips.
He turns his head against the blanket to regard the quiet man beside him, wondering where that apology came from. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Jen.”
Jensen releases a humorless chuckle as he turns his head to look back into Jared’s eyes, a sad smile pulling at his lips. “No I have plenty to be sorry for Jay, how I treated you, most of all.” He shakes his head but he doesn’t look away from Jared’s eyes. “I didn’t do right by you, Jared, I know that, and I really am sorry about everything. I regret the way I did things.”
Jared would be lying if he said he wasn’t lost right now, he has no idea what Jensen is apologizing for, or what he means by any of this. Didn’t do right by me? Is he serious? He questions incredulously but doesn’t open his mouth just yet to give this voice, needing Jensen to explain himself first.
“I wasn’t being fair to you, when I pushed you away right after the attack. After everything you’d done, coming out to your family the way you did, and being there for me when I woke up… I was being a coward.” Jensen’s eyes are downcast as he says this, shame and regret radiating off of him in waves. Jared wants to reach out, take him in his arms and smother him with reassurances until he feels better, but Jensen is speaking again before he can even move.
“At the time I’d tried to tell myself I was doing it for you, that I couldn’t give you what you needed, and I didn’t deserve you. I’m not saying I didn’t truly feel that way, but it was more than that too, I was scared and I ran. I walked away from the best thing that has ever happened to me because I was afraid of getting hurt. Whether I was afraid of getting hurt by you or the world in general, I don’t know, maybe a little of both. But, the point is, I hurt myself by pushing you away. I hurt both of us, and I’m sorry, Jared. I’m sorry for all the hurt I caused you.”
Jared is silent long enough that Jensen finally lifts his head again to look at him, hurt and regret shining in those green eyes that Jared loves. He stays quiet for a moment longer, silently contemplating what he is going to say. “Do you regret ending things the way you did? I mean, it hurt, but was it the best thing for you at the time?”
Jensen bites his lip, and gives a barely there nod of his head, eyes falling. “I regret the pain I caused you, but… I was a mess, Jared, and I realize having you there for support would’ve been easier, leaning on you would have helped, but… I think I needed to face the healing process on my own. I was so selfish, thinking only of myself. I wasn’t a nice person to be around then.”
He shakes his head, a small smile gracing his face as he lifts his eyes to Jared’s again. “I know you wanted to be there for me, and I’m sorry my insecurities and fear hurt you, but at the same time…” He pauses a moment to get his thoughts in order and then he’s smiling again, genuine and happy. “Taking that time to focus on myself, to focus on dealing with the attack, and pushing myself to get better? I think I’m stronger now, for it. I’m not completely healed from the trauma but I’m so much better now than I was before, and I have to say I’m proud of the fact that I got there on my own.”
Putting aside all the hurt and pain the breakup had caused him, Jared can admit it’s good to hear Jensen talking like this. It’s good to see him smiling. “I’m proud of you too, Jensen, and am amazed by your strength. To get through what you experienced, on your own, takes a remarkable amount of strength, and I honestly couldn’t be more proud of you.”
Jensen blushes at the praises but doesn’t turn away. “It wasn’t all me, I had professionals to talk to that helped me deal with everything.”
Jared shakes his head. “Don’t downplay it Jen, it takes a strong person to go through what you did and come out of it as well as you have. You have every right to feel proud.” He smiles a bit. “It hurt when you left me, but I understood why you did, after a while anyway, once I let myself consider your reasons. With what you went through, you had every right to feel scared and unsure. I’m just glad you came back to me when you were ready, that’s what matters.”
Jensen’s eyes are swimming with emotions as Jared falls silent again, and he reaches down tentatively, hand sliding against Jared’s before slipping underneath to entwine their fingers and hold on tight. It may not seem like a very brave move, with them being up on the roof alone and with no one in sight, but Jared grasps the gravity of the gesture, and it warms his heart.
“That’s not all I’m sorry for Jared. Even before the attack, I was pushing you for things you weren’t ready for, and I should’ve known better. I know how hard it is coming out to your parents, and just coming to accept your sexuality in general, and I pushed you too hard. I should have been more patient, and content with what you could give me at the time, but instead I pushed you too hard and asked for things you weren’t comfortable with yet. You needed time and I hadn’t given it to you…”
“Jen, stop. Okay? Stop with the apologies.” Jared tells him gently but firm at the same time, not out of irritation but care. “Yes, I wasn’t ready, but you had been patient with me and I did you wrong. You can say what you want, deny it all you want, but we both know I treated you badly back then. I wasn’t without my faults, some blame for the way things happened lies with me, and you honestly can’t say it doesn’t. We both know I could have and should have done some things differently. I hurt you, and for that I am sorry.”
“How about we agree that we both were wrong, share equal amounts of the blame, and let it go at that?” Jensen proposes, a tiny smile quirking his lips.
Jared relaxes once more, a reciprocating smile on his own lips as he nods his head. “That sounds good to me. Just, please, stop apologizing for things. Alright? You don’t need to be sorry about anything, and I’d much rather just put it behind us.”
Jensen releases a breathy laugh but nods his head as well. “No more apologies, I can do that.”
Jared gently squeezes Jensen’s hand and gets a squeeze to his hand in response, a silent reassurance going out to both of them, a truce to let the past go and focus on the here and now. “Forgive me if this shouldn’t be said, but I have missed you so much.”
Jensen slowly lowers his eyelashes, a quirk of a smile as he lifts them once more. “I missed you too, more than you would probably believe. It may not have seemed like it, but I never stopped loving you, never stopped wishing you were with me.”
A grin blossoms on Jared’s face. “I can believe that, and I never thought you stopped loving me, Jen. Sure, it was hard, and I was hurt, but I knew you loved me. But, I also knew you were in a rough place, and you were hurting, scared. I had hoped you missed me as much as I missed you, but not once did I doubt your love… it’s good to hear though, it’s reassuring.”
“I do, I love you so much, Jay.” Jensen tells him softly, with feeling, as he moves a bit closer, until their arms are pressing together.
“I love you too Jen, always will.” He whispers back as he lifts up onto his elbow and looks down at Jensen. “Is it too soon to ask if I can kiss you? Will you turn me away? It’s okay if you don’t want to just yet.”
He knows he is rambling, doubts swimming in his head, and hoping he isn’t overstepping any boundaries Jensen has put up. Jensen smiles fondly as he releases his hold on Jared’s hand to grasp onto his arm and pull him down slightly. Jared winds up having to reposition himself to keep his balance, and finds himself leaning over Jensen, those green eyes staring up at him with so much emotion Jared feels he may drown in it.
“You need to tell me it’s okay, Jen,” Jared says softly, unwilling to make any moves unless he’s absolutely sure Jensen wants it. “I need to hear the words.”
“I want you to,” Jensen whispers. “It‘s okay, I’m ready and won’t panic, I promise.”
Jared stares down at Jensen beneath him, a soft tilt of his lips as he reaches out and takes Jensen’s chin in hand. His fingers slide up the strong curve of his jaw, fingers splaying across his cheek and the side of his neck, thumb caressing his chin as he dips down and takes possession of Jensen’s mouth.
Jensen makes a sort of mewling sound the moment their lips touch, arching up into the sweet kiss, a hand resting on Jared’s bicep while his arm snakes around Jared’s back and presses his palm against the muscles, not applying any pressure, just feeling. Jared keeps the kiss light and tender, their lips brushing together slowly, and making no move to deepen it.
The man beneath him is pliant and content, making soft, pleased noises through his mouth as they kiss, and Jared couldn’t possibly think of anything better than this. They are barely doing anything, have no plans of taking this any further, but it is still one of the best things Jared has done. He loves the feel of Jensen beneath him, trading soft and lazy kisses, sometimes just sharing breath. It is arousing and thrilling, and Jared finds that they could spend the whole night just doing this and he would be quite happy.
They are only just beginning to find each other again though, have hurt each other enough that rebuilding the trust broken between them will take time, and rushing things right now wouldn’t be the wisest decision either of them have ever made. But lying here with Jensen, just having him in his arms, and kissing him softly, is something he has missed so much, and Jensen isn’t complaining so he figures this is okay.
They have a ways to go, their relationship is fragile and Jensen has his issues to work through, but tonight none of that matters. For tonight, they can have this.
:0Ж0:
They go on a couple of dates after that but avoid public places. Jensen is acting a bit more like himself every day, feeling more like himself, but he’s not ready to hold hands and kiss Jared where everyone can see. It isn’t that he’s ashamed, he just can’t let go of his fear of some bigoted asshole seeing and hurting either of them because of it.
He knows he is probably being irrational, not everyone in the world is going to hurt them or be disgusted, especially here, in California where people are freer to be who they are, but that doesn’t take away his fears. He’s still not sure when he’ll be ready to take their relationship public, or if he ever will, but Jared made him promise not to dwell on it and to just take things one day at a time.
It’s not easy but he’s doing his best to keep that promise.
“What’s got you looking so glum?”
Jensen raises his eyes from the paper to see Chad approaching the table he’s sitting at in the campus library. His friend pulls out the chair across from him, turns it around and plops down onto it backwards, crossing his arms over the top of it.
Jensen frowns and rubs at his forehead, sighing softly. “I’m in need of a new place of employment. With how long I was away, my boss couldn’t hold my position at the café and had to hire someone else in my place. I understand, but now I have no idea what I’m going to do for work.”
“Having no luck with the want ads?” Chad asks glancing at the paper laid out on the table.
Jensen grumbles under his breath and gives a shake of his head. “The few places I’ve checked into either have already hired someone or I never get called back for an interview. One place looked hopeful, but they can’t give me a schedule that works around my classes, so that’s not an option.”
Chad laughs when Jensen drops his head down onto the table and bangs it lightly a couple of times. “Stop that,” he says, slipping his hand between Jensen’s forehead and the table. “Jared seems fond of your forehead, I doubt he’d be happy to find out you have any permanent damage from the abuse you’re putting it through.”
“This is seriously hopeless.” Jensen lifts his head to give his friend a morose look. “I’m really beginning to doubt anyone’s going to hire me. Getting a job that works with my school schedule is hard enough, there are people out there more experienced and more reliable than me, of course they’d choose them over me.”
“Cheer up young grasshopper,” Chad replies jovially, and Jensen raises an eyebrow incredulously at Chad’s choice of words just as much as his easygoing response. “I might have the answer to your problem.”
“Do I want to know?” Jensen asks, mostly teasing, as he gathers his things and motions for his friend to follow him out of the library.
“Ye o’ little faith,” he clutches his chest and shakes his head, and again Jensen is wondering what the hell is with Chad’s vocabulary today. His friend has said some off the wall things before, mostly being his douchebag self, but this is just ridiculous.
“Why do you keep talking like that?” He finally breaks down and asks.
Chad scowls and rolls his eyes. “Do you want to know my idea or not, Ass-face?”
Ah, that’s more like it, he thinks with an inward grin. “Okay, fine. Please, go on.”
Chad grins, satisfied, and follows Jensen outside to one of the tables on campus. They get themselves situated, Jensen enjoying the sunshine on his face, and Chad leans on his elbows. “We both know I’m my boss’ favorite, one of the few employees’ he can count on.”
Jensen rolls his hand, telling him to go on. They all know that despite how often Chad gets fired Jim always hires him back, much to everyone’s disbelief. “Well, if I put in a good word for you I’m sure Jim would be happy to hire you on.” Chad says with a nonchalant shrug, pulling a bag of chips out of his backpack and popping one into his mouth.
“Is Jim even hiring anybody right now?” He asks, considering the possibility but not wanting to give the idea much weight until he’s sure he might have a shot.
Chad nods. “He fired this dipshit last week, so you could fill that position.”
“What are you guys talking about?” Jensen looks up to find Jared and Will standing there. This is a bit unusual, seeing as Jared and his roommate never spend time together, and he raises an eyebrow curiously.
“Came by your place looking for you,” is the answer Jared gives as he takes a seat next to Jensen and looks between him and Chad curiously.
“I was telling your boy here that Jim’s hiring, figured I could put in a good word for him, maybe get him the position.”
Jared perks up at that, clearly thinking this is a good idea. “Hell, why not? You worked at that café; you’re capable of making gourmet coffee, so I don’t see why you’d have trouble getting hired at a coffee shop, especially with Chad helping out.”
“See? I have good ideas, just no one ever believes me.” Chad gives a smug smile to which everyone currently present rolls their eyes at and then chooses not to comment.
“You really think I should look into it?” Jensen asks, biting his lip in contemplation and not able to find a reason this wouldn’t be a good idea. Not that he was trying all that hard.
“I think so, but honestly, what other choices have you had?” Will points out reasonably, and Jensen nods his head in agreement.
“Alright then,” he says with determination, slapping his hands down onto the table with a grin. “I’ll head in this afternoon to fill out an application.”
“This is great, hopefully everything will work out and you’ll find yourself employed again,” Jared says with a smile and reaches over to lay his hand on top of Jensen’s.
Jensen snatches his hand back as if he’d been burnt, looking around them to see if anyone is looking, and flinches at the brief look of hurt that crosses Jared’s face. He knows he reacted badly, and that small gut reaction hurt his boyfriend. Just knowing that fills him with shame and makes him feel physically ill.
He closes his eyes tightly, breathing slowly, and internally berating himself for being such a coward, for letting this fear rule not just his life but now Jared’s as well. Jared hasn’t expected anything from him, has been very patient and understanding even, but every time he does this Jensen still feels terrible. He hates being this way, but he doesn’t know how to stop.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers before pushing off of the bench seat and striding away as fast as he can, even as Jared pleads with him to come back.
:0Ж0:
Jensen has been hiding out in his room ever since his slight freak out. He can’t be sure how long he’s been here, but he knows it can’t be more than ten or fifteen minutes. He considers finding Jared and apologizing, not just for how he reacted but also for running away, but he can’t bring himself to move. He feels embarrassed and ashamed of himself, facing Jared now isn’t something he can do, but hiding out until he’s ready sounds like a great option.
Yep, I’m a coward, he sighs softly and sits down on his bed. Leaning his back against the headboard, he draws his knees up and crosses his arms over top of them. He contemplates what he will say to Jared the next time he sees him, but is pulled from his thoughts at the sound of a key being pushed into the lock of the door. He sighs once more to himself, not wanting to know what Will is going to say in response to how he reacted earlier.
The door opens a moment later and Jensen looks up to see his roommate letting Jared into the room. Jensen blinks slowly before glaring at Will, whom just winks and closes the door behind him, leaving Jensen alone with Jared. Traitor, he thinks glumly.
“You ran away from me,” Jared speaks plainly, as he stands at the foot of the bed.
Jensen drops his eyes down to the comforter on his bed, picking at an imaginary piece of lint. “I know, I’m sorry.” His voice is quiet as he says this, still unable to raise his head to meet Jared’s eyes. “I… I shouldn’t have reacted that way, running away, and to the touch itself. I don’t know why I have to be so fucked up.”
Jared sighs, and moves to sit beside Jensen on the bed. Jensen moves over a bit to make room, and then Jared’s arm is circling his waist, pulling him into the warmth of his side. “I don’t expect for you to feel comfortable with things like that yet Jensen, it’s only been a couple of weeks since you’ve been back. I don’t know how long it’ll take for you to be okay with things, like holding hands or even just casual touches, but I certainly didn’t expect you to be okay with it right now. This is going to take time, and I’m more than okay with that. You don’t have to feel bad for being uncomfortable or afraid, and you don’t have to run away from me when those times come around.”
“I know it was childish, but I saw the hurt on your face, I was ashamed, and I just couldn’t take it,” Jensen shrugs, still hating himself for how he reacted, and the fact that he can’t do things like that without panicking, even if just slightly. “I don’t want to be this way.”
“You won’t always be this way,” Jared tells him, and says it like he really believes this. Jensen isn’t so sure he shares that belief, but he would like to. “But, for now, that’s something you’re dealing with, and you’ve got to give yourself time to get past it. This isn’t something that will go away overnight, it’s something you’re gonna have to work through, and you don’t need to rush yourself. I’ll be as patient as you need me to be, but you need to have some patience with yourself as well.”
Jensen sighs heavily and leans into the comfort of Jared’s side, dropping his head down against Jared’s shoulder. “Some days it really seems like I’ll never get better, never get passed this. I want to reach that point in all of this where I’m okay with holding your hand in public instead of panicking at the slightest touch. People keep saying I’ll get there some day but it’s just taking so long… I just hate how much this is ruling my life.” He shakes his head against Jared’s shoulder, resigned, and looks up at him. “What if everyone’s wrong? What if I never get past this? What then? Where would that leave us?”
“I don’t know what’s gonna happen Jen, whether you’ll get past this fear or not, though I like to believe you will eventually. But, if you don’t… well, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I don’t know about you, but I don’t care to worry about something that might not happen. I’d much rather take this one step at a time, face everything that comes at us in its own time.” He lets out another audible sigh as he moves to lie down on his back, pulling Jensen down with him.
Jensen curls up into Jared’s side, head resting against his shoulder, hand reaching out to lay flat against the beat of Jared’s heart. He closes his eyes and just focuses on that rhythmic beating against his palm, letting it ground him and put him at ease.
“I know this is bothering you but you can’t rush yourself, it’ll happen in its own time. And I’m here, to help you through it, and be as patient as you need me to be. Either way, I’m not going anywhere, Jen. I promise you that.”
Jensen feels the kiss that is placed to the top of his head, and a smile pulls at his lips. It feels good, the reassurance that Jared’s there, that he’s not going to run if things get tough. In a way, Jensen feels that their roles have been reversed; Jared is the strong one fighting to keep them together while Jensen is nearly running scared. Inwardly he rolls his eyes at himself. I’m not running anywhere, he reminds himself, determined not to let this push him away from Jared again.
“We’ll make it through this,” he says softly, telling himself this just as much as Jared.
He doesn’t have to look to know that Jared is nodding his head. “Just as we have everything else,” he responds, and it sounds like a promise to Jensen’s ears, reassurance, and belief. It gives him hope.
:0Ж0:
Jared feels the moment Jensen relaxes into him, pleased that for the moment the other man is content. He isn’t fooled, he knows this issue likely hasn’t been dropped, that it’ll pop up again at some point, but he’s glad to have dealt with it for the time being. This hasn’t exactly been easy on Jared, at least not as easy as he’s tried to make everyone believe.
Having Jensen here with him again feels surreal at times. He’s grateful for the chance they have been given to make things right between them, to work on their relationship, but some old hurts still linger for both of them. He is still a little hurt that Jensen pushed him away, broke up with him even after telling his parents that he’s gay and in love, but he’s doing his best to move beyond it, and leave it in the past where it belongs.
What they truly need is time to relearn each other, and get things right this time. He knows this, but he also knows it won’t be easy, isn’t expecting it to be. No matter what, he’s worth it, he tells himself as he tightens his arms around the man beside him and closes his eyes. The road has not been a smooth one for them, but he isn’t going to give up now, Jensen means too much to him to let him go now. I’ll stand by him every step of the way.
Next