in other news...
I'm feeling a little better today. I think the shock of finding out I was pregnant, mixed with all the stress we've been dealing with lately, has been kind of taking a toll on me. It's not that I don't want this child, it's just that maybe I'm not as cool and collected about it as I thought I was. I have been panicking, and not just about the morning sickness because I know that will pass in time.
I just need to calm down, but it's not easy when you're trying to run a business, take care of a toddler, and keep a house clean, on top of dealing with morning sickness and fatigue. I mean, I worked full time when I had morning sickness with Reagan, sitting down was not an option (no seriously, I got in trouble for sitting down even though if I stood up for more than 30 minutes at a time, I would nearly faint. All I needed was to sit down for 5 minutes every half hour or so, and even during the slow times I got in trouble. I hate that place). At least this time I can lay down when I need to, because Reagan will play happily near me as long as I pay attention and "play" with her while laying down.
That was longer than I meant it to be. Heh.
Anyway, that's not why I'm posting. I'm sure you're all sick of hearing about that anyway. I spoke with my aunt this morning. We were planning to go visit my grandparents this weekend, leaving right after my doctor's appt on Friday morning. Well, my aunt called to tell me that basically we don't need to come. He can't swallow anymore, and he has a living will that states that if he ever gets to the point where he needs to be fed through a tube, he doesn't want that, he just wants to go.
The cancer/tumor has gotten to where he hasn't been himself at all anyway. He's been very mean and agitated when he is even awake for the short periods of time, and he hasn't been sleeping well. They have him basically sedated to the point where he's just asleep, and, well, he won't be waking up again. He probably has a couple days, if that, especially since he won't be taking any food or water.
My aunt told me that it would probably be best if I just remember him as he was the last time I saw him, which wasn't great but he was at least coherent and obviously enjoyed us being there. She also said that they were trying to keep it very quiet (so obviously bringing Reagan would be a bad idea).
So I got some tears out earlier. I wrote a letter to him a few weeks ago and then I lost it, and I just found it last week and I was going to bring it with me when we visited. They might have been able to read it to him, if it hadn't gotten this bad. I'll still give it to my grandma, I know she would appreciate it (I had a letter for her as well). I'm trying not to think of a million regrets, we visited as often as we possibly could, it was at least once a month until John started getting SO much work about 2 months or so ago. Sometimes it was twice a month. He got to see Reagan lots. I have lots of good pictures of them together. My poor grandma, though.
I'm also really worried about the drama that might come after his death. Is there a will, or does that even matter since my grandma is still living? I hope it won't be an issue at all, because I can't deal with that potential drama-fest.
I had ice cream last night! Amber came by after work, and we went to get some Backyard Burger and then Bruster's. I was going to just buy a gallon of ice cream from Kroger, but the idea of walking in and facing all that food was too much for me to handle. lol. Plus they were really crowded. Maybe I'll send John to do that on Friday after the appt. Anyway, it was lots of fun just hanging out.
I still wish I knew what our landlord wants to do, because then I'd know what to plan for. Gotta be patient, though.
I guess that's all for now! Time to work, now that she's down for a nap!
♥
I just need to calm down, but it's not easy when you're trying to run a business, take care of a toddler, and keep a house clean, on top of dealing with morning sickness and fatigue. I mean, I worked full time when I had morning sickness with Reagan, sitting down was not an option (no seriously, I got in trouble for sitting down even though if I stood up for more than 30 minutes at a time, I would nearly faint. All I needed was to sit down for 5 minutes every half hour or so, and even during the slow times I got in trouble. I hate that place). At least this time I can lay down when I need to, because Reagan will play happily near me as long as I pay attention and "play" with her while laying down.
That was longer than I meant it to be. Heh.
Anyway, that's not why I'm posting. I'm sure you're all sick of hearing about that anyway. I spoke with my aunt this morning. We were planning to go visit my grandparents this weekend, leaving right after my doctor's appt on Friday morning. Well, my aunt called to tell me that basically we don't need to come. He can't swallow anymore, and he has a living will that states that if he ever gets to the point where he needs to be fed through a tube, he doesn't want that, he just wants to go.
The cancer/tumor has gotten to where he hasn't been himself at all anyway. He's been very mean and agitated when he is even awake for the short periods of time, and he hasn't been sleeping well. They have him basically sedated to the point where he's just asleep, and, well, he won't be waking up again. He probably has a couple days, if that, especially since he won't be taking any food or water.
My aunt told me that it would probably be best if I just remember him as he was the last time I saw him, which wasn't great but he was at least coherent and obviously enjoyed us being there. She also said that they were trying to keep it very quiet (so obviously bringing Reagan would be a bad idea).
So I got some tears out earlier. I wrote a letter to him a few weeks ago and then I lost it, and I just found it last week and I was going to bring it with me when we visited. They might have been able to read it to him, if it hadn't gotten this bad. I'll still give it to my grandma, I know she would appreciate it (I had a letter for her as well). I'm trying not to think of a million regrets, we visited as often as we possibly could, it was at least once a month until John started getting SO much work about 2 months or so ago. Sometimes it was twice a month. He got to see Reagan lots. I have lots of good pictures of them together. My poor grandma, though.
I'm also really worried about the drama that might come after his death. Is there a will, or does that even matter since my grandma is still living? I hope it won't be an issue at all, because I can't deal with that potential drama-fest.
I had ice cream last night! Amber came by after work, and we went to get some Backyard Burger and then Bruster's. I was going to just buy a gallon of ice cream from Kroger, but the idea of walking in and facing all that food was too much for me to handle. lol. Plus they were really crowded. Maybe I'll send John to do that on Friday after the appt. Anyway, it was lots of fun just hanging out.
I still wish I knew what our landlord wants to do, because then I'd know what to plan for. Gotta be patient, though.
I guess that's all for now! Time to work, now that she's down for a nap!
♥