Say Goodnight To Your Brothers.
Recently a friend told me something along the lines of "I'm going through something really major right now and I'd rather go it alone. Trust me, I'd really like to be what you want... but I can't." I hadn't been hanging out with them very long so it was really baffling why that statement was so hurtful to me. Needless to say, I couldn't settle on that answer. They made me realize that I don't like today's practices of simply giving up and giving in, that I belong in a time where people actually fought for what they wanted--even if we are expected to do the exact opposite now. So we settled on a friendship. What a psuedo-friendship it is.
Back to it being hurtful...
Until tonight I didn't realize exactly why that was. It wasn't until I heard a song by Kelly Clarkson (I can't believe I'm actually citing her) that I realized why. Now, personally, I'd never hear a song by Kelly Clarkson because I'd never seek out her music to listen to. But this summer I spent time with my father. He adored the cd, in part because I actually think he felt she had musical talent and also in part because he felt such strong ties to her in the name of reminiscing (she reminded him of a former girlfriend). So the song came on, and he asked me, gently, if I liked the song, that he loved it. And for some reason it has not ever really been in my character to lie for someone to make them feel better. Even for the sake of my father, who I rarely see, I did not abandon my harshness: I responded with a quick, splintering NO.
I've harbored so much anger and resentment to both of my parents, somewhat equally for entirely different reasons. And although I've considering making peace with my mother it never really seemed worth it. My hate towards my father consists of two very simple things: one, quite the commonplace: he abandoned us (well, arguably abandoned us--he wouldn't change so mother had to kick him out) and he did exactly what his mother told him to do, although only for a short while. My grandmother, on my fathers side, a very loveable woman although I only have one particularly fond memory of "it tastes like clouds" and even then it might be a stolen, faked//duplicated memory (my cousin's). My grandmother's advice to my father after the split: just forget them. I found a letter of my father's that he gave to my mother it spoke of how he was going through rough times and for the simple reason of his not being able to quit his selfishness he wanted to no longer play a role in my life because it'd be better for me. (See the connection? My friend replicated this especially hurtful moment). Needless to say I don't really remember this happening around the time he wrote it, I was very young. But what I do remember, is when he did this when my sister was born. Up until last year or so I never really saw what I had against her. And then I saw what it was, she was my replacement. She had the same initials, everyone said we looked very similar (as siblings should) but she was his new daughter, the one who he spent every living moment with.
Tonight I realized how much I really love my father. And how much I forgive him for all the wrongs I felt he's done to me. He has gone through so much, and made so many wrong choices and is being punished constantly for all of them. All he needs from me is to not do the same. And I'm trying not to, I do love him. The sad thing is I don't think I'll ever really be able to express my love for him at a ever so pure time, when I really do have nothing but love for him because of timing. I can't see myself doing so perhaps until he passes. Although I want to so bad. I want to be a better family member to everyone that lives close to me, because its so convienent. They deserve it so much because they are usually there for me, by default. Sometimes, too, I want to be a better friend. But I can't fake emotion. You all know how sometimes you just say I love you at night when your parents tuck you into bed because its habit. (Although, I'm sure many of you don't get tucked in anymore). But how often do you feel it necessary to just go up to your parents and tell them you love them? I have to my mother, a few times, and I'm so happy that I can because she's there. But since my father is so far away, I can't and we'll most likely have to settle for those forced greetings of "Hello, I love you" without any real strong feelings attached to it. Hopefully not, hopefully these feelings will stay with me and I'll really get to tell him before its too late.
So thank you friend, for helping me see things a little more clearly.
And thank you to Amber's friend Joe because I honestly have never seen anyone be so honestly thankful to their parents for something so simple as fast-food dinner. What an inspiration.
A totally unconnected thought because I can't let it go.
If god is so against homosexuality, then why does he force it upon some? (What's that you say he doesn't?) What about in the case of people born with both boy and girl parts. If they choose either, they are FORCED to be gay. Since the supposed "purpose" of each of us to procreate...
Back to it being hurtful...
Until tonight I didn't realize exactly why that was. It wasn't until I heard a song by Kelly Clarkson (I can't believe I'm actually citing her) that I realized why. Now, personally, I'd never hear a song by Kelly Clarkson because I'd never seek out her music to listen to. But this summer I spent time with my father. He adored the cd, in part because I actually think he felt she had musical talent and also in part because he felt such strong ties to her in the name of reminiscing (she reminded him of a former girlfriend). So the song came on, and he asked me, gently, if I liked the song, that he loved it. And for some reason it has not ever really been in my character to lie for someone to make them feel better. Even for the sake of my father, who I rarely see, I did not abandon my harshness: I responded with a quick, splintering NO.
I've harbored so much anger and resentment to both of my parents, somewhat equally for entirely different reasons. And although I've considering making peace with my mother it never really seemed worth it. My hate towards my father consists of two very simple things: one, quite the commonplace: he abandoned us (well, arguably abandoned us--he wouldn't change so mother had to kick him out) and he did exactly what his mother told him to do, although only for a short while. My grandmother, on my fathers side, a very loveable woman although I only have one particularly fond memory of "it tastes like clouds" and even then it might be a stolen, faked//duplicated memory (my cousin's). My grandmother's advice to my father after the split: just forget them. I found a letter of my father's that he gave to my mother it spoke of how he was going through rough times and for the simple reason of his not being able to quit his selfishness he wanted to no longer play a role in my life because it'd be better for me. (See the connection? My friend replicated this especially hurtful moment). Needless to say I don't really remember this happening around the time he wrote it, I was very young. But what I do remember, is when he did this when my sister was born. Up until last year or so I never really saw what I had against her. And then I saw what it was, she was my replacement. She had the same initials, everyone said we looked very similar (as siblings should) but she was his new daughter, the one who he spent every living moment with.
Tonight I realized how much I really love my father. And how much I forgive him for all the wrongs I felt he's done to me. He has gone through so much, and made so many wrong choices and is being punished constantly for all of them. All he needs from me is to not do the same. And I'm trying not to, I do love him. The sad thing is I don't think I'll ever really be able to express my love for him at a ever so pure time, when I really do have nothing but love for him because of timing. I can't see myself doing so perhaps until he passes. Although I want to so bad. I want to be a better family member to everyone that lives close to me, because its so convienent. They deserve it so much because they are usually there for me, by default. Sometimes, too, I want to be a better friend. But I can't fake emotion. You all know how sometimes you just say I love you at night when your parents tuck you into bed because its habit. (Although, I'm sure many of you don't get tucked in anymore). But how often do you feel it necessary to just go up to your parents and tell them you love them? I have to my mother, a few times, and I'm so happy that I can because she's there. But since my father is so far away, I can't and we'll most likely have to settle for those forced greetings of "Hello, I love you" without any real strong feelings attached to it. Hopefully not, hopefully these feelings will stay with me and I'll really get to tell him before its too late.
So thank you friend, for helping me see things a little more clearly.
And thank you to Amber's friend Joe because I honestly have never seen anyone be so honestly thankful to their parents for something so simple as fast-food dinner. What an inspiration.
A totally unconnected thought because I can't let it go.
If god is so against homosexuality, then why does he force it upon some? (What's that you say he doesn't?) What about in the case of people born with both boy and girl parts. If they choose either, they are FORCED to be gay. Since the supposed "purpose" of each of us to procreate...