Hmmm...
So im gonna write about this cuz it's been bothering me a lot and the only person i mentioned it to was ryan. But anyways janes death has still been taking a toll on me, only when i go to bed though. I mean everyday i think about her at least once and it bothers the shit out of me that she's really not here anymore and that i won't ever be able to talk to her again, and id say never see her again but thats just it that's making me crazy. At least twice a week i have a dream with her just standing in it and not saying a word and it gives me this horribly eerie feeling and i have to wake up from it because it just gives me this horrible feeling. And then when i wake up i have to turn my TV on and stay up for at least an hour because im scared to sleep. These dreams just keep happening and i dont understand them but they're making me nuts and bother me so much. Every time im going to bed im scared to fall asleep, the only times i ever feel okay is when ryan is next to me so at least when i wake up i feel okay with him next to me. But even then, i still don't get good sleep. I haven't slept well in months and im up till about 5 every morning avoiding sleep if i didn't already fall asleep and wake up again. I don't really know what there is that could be done about this, nothing really considering its just a reoccurring dream. I just don't really understand it and the feeling it gives me when it's happening is just the worse, i feel my body shaking and i feel so cold and almost like im paralyzed and like it takes so much effort to wake myself up out of it. I don't know but Jane passing away has been a really horrible event in my life. Especially when i was suppose to hang out with her just a few days after she passed. It bothers me so much. And just recently i got the gruesome details of what happened to her exactly in the collision because my friends boyfriend was on call and had to take her out of the car and put her on the stretcher. I don't know, its all still so surreal to me and i really miss her. It completely changed my perspective on the way i live my life and not to get so bent out of shape on such trivial things and not to waste my time on caring about people that don't as much about me. I dunno i just felt like i should get this out and maybe the dreams will fade. I hope so.
<33DH
<33DH