(no subject)
So... when did we blow up the oil reserves? Because it seems like from Monday to Tuesday the price went up 15 cents... at least at both of the gas stations on my way to work.
I can't even begin to say how I feel. It's kind of like one of those "abstract" art pieces where some really great artist flung paint at a piece of fabric and said "wa-la!" I feel all messed up and crazy and like I just want those strings of drippy multi-colored paint to clear up and paint a clear picture. There are a lot of different colors - a lot of different emotions. Especially this pent-up frustration I feel at Joe. Because he seems to not understand how I feel. He just tells me that it's silly and blah blah fucking blah. It's so frustrating. I mean, I guess I don't even know how I feel but I know that it's not how I want to feel. Like michelle said, I want to FEEL loved. And I don't even know if there is love in our lack-of relationship at all. I mean I've got several drunk calls "melissa i love you and i need you" and he says it every once in a while when he slips up. I mean, when you're "on a break" you don't really say you love each other, do you? And what the hell is up with him saying he wants to get together and talk. He wants to appologize for being a jerk and he wants to get back together. Then we have the PERFECT opportunity over the weekend when he comes to visit me as I'm camping but he just sits there in the circle with everyone else. He could have easily said "want to go for a walk?" or something. He's not mute. oaijdofiasdjfhsdfkljhasd... Then through the grapevine... "I don't think Melissa and Joe are going to get back together." I want to know where this came from (obviously someone from uww) but as far as I know, he wants to get back together and so do I. (why we don't just DO IT is beyond me, but whatever). And This frustrates me so much and I tell him that I don't feel like talking to him everynight and shit just for the purpose of talking because we're not in a relationship. It's none of his business what I did during the day, etc. Plus it's a waste of my time and minutes. Plus talking to him makes it harder for me.
I wish I was strong enough to just end it. To say, If you don't want me now, You can't have me later. But no, I can't do that. I can't. Because I love him. And I don't want to love him. I don't want to have this shitty feeling.
I know things will be different when we get back to school and I get to see him every day, but so what are we going to do next summer, etc? just keep fucking around like this? give me a break. And different isn't necessarily better. I mean things are going to be weird. I already felt weird when I saw him camping. How do you look at someone you know you love, someone that has hurt you, someone that your life used to revolve around, and just let them back into your life?
Okay so maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion. And I can just imagine his reaction to this, which honestly makes me want to choke the living daylight out of him. But this is how I feel right now.
And it doesn't help that he's a fucking smoking alcoholic. Okay so they are cigars but that's still absolutely disgusting especially when it's a habit. I can see socially when you get together with the guys, but on a regular basis? And drinking all the time? I mean drinking is fun and you can have a good time, but it's not something that needs to be done every night. Your life should NOT revolve around it. I told myself I'd never date someone that smokes. Nor would I date or fall for someone that was an alcoholic. So what am I doing???
He doesn't deserve me.
I can't even begin to say how I feel. It's kind of like one of those "abstract" art pieces where some really great artist flung paint at a piece of fabric and said "wa-la!" I feel all messed up and crazy and like I just want those strings of drippy multi-colored paint to clear up and paint a clear picture. There are a lot of different colors - a lot of different emotions. Especially this pent-up frustration I feel at Joe. Because he seems to not understand how I feel. He just tells me that it's silly and blah blah fucking blah. It's so frustrating. I mean, I guess I don't even know how I feel but I know that it's not how I want to feel. Like michelle said, I want to FEEL loved. And I don't even know if there is love in our lack-of relationship at all. I mean I've got several drunk calls "melissa i love you and i need you" and he says it every once in a while when he slips up. I mean, when you're "on a break" you don't really say you love each other, do you? And what the hell is up with him saying he wants to get together and talk. He wants to appologize for being a jerk and he wants to get back together. Then we have the PERFECT opportunity over the weekend when he comes to visit me as I'm camping but he just sits there in the circle with everyone else. He could have easily said "want to go for a walk?" or something. He's not mute. oaijdofiasdjfhsdfkljhasd... Then through the grapevine... "I don't think Melissa and Joe are going to get back together." I want to know where this came from (obviously someone from uww) but as far as I know, he wants to get back together and so do I. (why we don't just DO IT is beyond me, but whatever). And This frustrates me so much and I tell him that I don't feel like talking to him everynight and shit just for the purpose of talking because we're not in a relationship. It's none of his business what I did during the day, etc. Plus it's a waste of my time and minutes. Plus talking to him makes it harder for me.
I wish I was strong enough to just end it. To say, If you don't want me now, You can't have me later. But no, I can't do that. I can't. Because I love him. And I don't want to love him. I don't want to have this shitty feeling.
I know things will be different when we get back to school and I get to see him every day, but so what are we going to do next summer, etc? just keep fucking around like this? give me a break. And different isn't necessarily better. I mean things are going to be weird. I already felt weird when I saw him camping. How do you look at someone you know you love, someone that has hurt you, someone that your life used to revolve around, and just let them back into your life?
Okay so maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion. And I can just imagine his reaction to this, which honestly makes me want to choke the living daylight out of him. But this is how I feel right now.
And it doesn't help that he's a fucking smoking alcoholic. Okay so they are cigars but that's still absolutely disgusting especially when it's a habit. I can see socially when you get together with the guys, but on a regular basis? And drinking all the time? I mean drinking is fun and you can have a good time, but it's not something that needs to be done every night. Your life should NOT revolve around it. I told myself I'd never date someone that smokes. Nor would I date or fall for someone that was an alcoholic. So what am I doing???
He doesn't deserve me.