I haven't written in here in years.
So I feel like writing in here on occasion may be good for me since I don't have a person I can tell everything to anymore. Though no one really uses Lj anymore (besides one or two exceptions) I doubt many, if any, people will read it. I am perfectly fine with that. Call this complaining, venting, talking to myself, what what have you. I feel like this will do me some good to get some stuff off my chest. I've had a lot of changes lately.
Major life update:
Jaime and I are barely friends anymore. I'm her "when it's convenient or when I need something" friend. I mean, don't get my wrong, we do hang out on occasion and talk. We're just absolutely no where near where we used to be. It's a huge joke to me. It's been a joke that I didn't want to believe for years. I've come to accept it and I realized that it's probably for the best because we are headed in different directions. We
now have different friends (because of replacement) and we enjoy life in different ways. Though I will always love her to death, I'd rather be without her because I could see it coming from a mile away.
Christopher and I met our demise a few months back, I think in April. It makes me sick to think about it. Don't get me wrong here, I am no longer in love with him. I am sure of it. It just kills me that I could lose someone so important to me who I thought would be there for the rest of my life in such a quick downfall. It kills me. I don't want to go into details (partially because I am lazy and there is too much to type and partially because I don't like talking about all the nitty gritty with people). To make a long story short he's hurt me like no other. I don't think I could be as betrayed and hurt as bad by any one person again. To make it worse, he comes back every couple weeks trying to talk to me again. When I do, he does for a day or two and uses me and then goes on his way again. I wish I wasn't weak when it came to him because I am stupid. He doesn't deserve the carbon dioxide that comes out of my lungs for what he's done to me. Everyone dear to me tells me every day that I need to ignore him. I think I am finally able to do it.
Cate and James T have been the best people in my lately. They've been the only ones who will listen to me and genuinely care whether I cry at night or whether Chris smashes me to the ground emotionally. I love them so much. It feels weird to have a semi-best friend back in my life. I don't think I could live without Cate, despite our weird past. We've grown together.
I graduated BMHS. I missed the last three days of my highschool career because my grandfather got suddenly really sick and went into the hospital. I spend the time sitting in a hospital bed watching my grandfather who I loved so much and saw so rarely die. I couldn't be there when he died because I had my graduation, which mind you was 2 days afterwards. Sound familiar? Nana died 2 days before I turned 16. But whatever.
I went to Worcester State for a semester. I loved it. I loved the people and the classes. I did really well also. I just could have done so much better. I made the executive decision to take some time off after that. I didn't want to do what I did in highschool and just half ass everything adn get away with it. I want to excel. I just know that I will not because I don't want to. I couldn't be happier to took the time off. I'm slowly finding myself. My parents aren't really supportive of it. This is the first thing they haven't supported me with (though they are backing me but not happily). I feel like I'm a dissapointment. I just couldn't do it.
I work more than anyone else my age I know. I still carry my job at KFC for a few nights a week. 3 years running strong and still under appreciated. I don't mind though, the people there mean so much to me. I also now waitress at Garrison's majority of the week. I don't understand how I can work so many hours and make as shit as I do. I need to refigure that.
I've changed a lot in the past few years. I've come to realize that being under the influence all the time isn't cool. You should love yourself the way you are (I am working on that). Alchohol and weed don't let your true colors shine. No, I am not being a hypocrit. Yes I drink still, yes I smoke still- but very very rarely. I don't need it to have a good time. I don't ever want to need it to have a good time. This is what sets me apart from my whole town and all my friends. I am not a party queen. I don't care if it makes me a reject.
The future scares me lately. I am not usually scared about that kind of stuff too bad. I am going to be 20 within the next couple months. 20. No longer a teenager. How scary is that. My license says I turn 21 in 2010. That's right around the corner. My life couldn't be going any less as planned. I had my future mapped out. Nothing that was on that map is still going to happen. My life is a beginning a new chapter on a fresh piece of paper. It scares me to death.
I went to California in July with Jaime to see Brandon (who I am so happy that i reconnected with). I could never imagine how 6 days could change so much in my life. I've never really believed in any form of "love at first sight". Personally I think it's all complete bullshit. But like, I don't know. I mean, I am not crazy and fell head over heels in love instantly....which I already made it sound. (if you read this, Brandon please don't be creeped out). It's weird. I'm bad with words just thinking about it. It jumbles my brain up and it mixes all my guts inside up. Staying with him for those few days made me really really really like him. The feeling I got when I saw him when I got to California was completely unfamiliar to me. It was wonderful. At the end of the week he sent me the sweetest text and blahhh blhh blahhh we kissed and butterflies filled my tummy and I got nervous and shaky and the chills all at the same time. I was so happy. This doesn't happen to me. I don't like anyone. I always date people for 30 seconds and hate them. Like, the way they laugh or smell or talk or act always ends up bothering me and makes me not want to talk to them anymore. This was different. To make a long story short he makes me so happy. He is the nicest person to me in the whole entire world. He's gorgeous. He's intelligent. He's well grounded. My parents love him. He sends me the most beautiful, sweetest texts, and he thinks I am beautiful when I first wake up. My friends love him (which is tough, Cate's a serious judger) He's perfect....despite the fact HE LIVES 3000 MILES AWAY ACROSS THE FUCKING COUNTRY. My luck right? I want to do anything to be around him. It kills me every single day. I look at other people and no one compares to him. It's incredible. I don't know entirely how to describe it. I diodn't think I'd find anyone that I wanted to risk everything for again. Right now he's home for 8 days. The 8 days are up on friday. Friday is going to be a horrible day. I don't know what I am going to do. ...but basically this leads to the next section.
I want to go out to California for a few months. I'm scared to tell my parents because I know they're going to be sad. Though they sort of know without words being said. My mom has already told me she'd understand. No matter what I am doing it. I need to find myself. I need to find who I am, what I love, who I love, who loves me, and what I am becoming. I'm almost 20 and I don't know who I am. Also, as stated in the above novel of a paragraph Brandon makes me crazy. I've never wanted to up and leave for someone before. I just crave waking up next to him. I crave his touch and his smell. I feel like going away for a while and starting a clean slate is the only thing that is going to make me truly happy.
Major life update:
Jaime and I are barely friends anymore. I'm her "when it's convenient or when I need something" friend. I mean, don't get my wrong, we do hang out on occasion and talk. We're just absolutely no where near where we used to be. It's a huge joke to me. It's been a joke that I didn't want to believe for years. I've come to accept it and I realized that it's probably for the best because we are headed in different directions. We
now have different friends (because of replacement) and we enjoy life in different ways. Though I will always love her to death, I'd rather be without her because I could see it coming from a mile away.
Christopher and I met our demise a few months back, I think in April. It makes me sick to think about it. Don't get me wrong here, I am no longer in love with him. I am sure of it. It just kills me that I could lose someone so important to me who I thought would be there for the rest of my life in such a quick downfall. It kills me. I don't want to go into details (partially because I am lazy and there is too much to type and partially because I don't like talking about all the nitty gritty with people). To make a long story short he's hurt me like no other. I don't think I could be as betrayed and hurt as bad by any one person again. To make it worse, he comes back every couple weeks trying to talk to me again. When I do, he does for a day or two and uses me and then goes on his way again. I wish I wasn't weak when it came to him because I am stupid. He doesn't deserve the carbon dioxide that comes out of my lungs for what he's done to me. Everyone dear to me tells me every day that I need to ignore him. I think I am finally able to do it.
Cate and James T have been the best people in my lately. They've been the only ones who will listen to me and genuinely care whether I cry at night or whether Chris smashes me to the ground emotionally. I love them so much. It feels weird to have a semi-best friend back in my life. I don't think I could live without Cate, despite our weird past. We've grown together.
I graduated BMHS. I missed the last three days of my highschool career because my grandfather got suddenly really sick and went into the hospital. I spend the time sitting in a hospital bed watching my grandfather who I loved so much and saw so rarely die. I couldn't be there when he died because I had my graduation, which mind you was 2 days afterwards. Sound familiar? Nana died 2 days before I turned 16. But whatever.
I went to Worcester State for a semester. I loved it. I loved the people and the classes. I did really well also. I just could have done so much better. I made the executive decision to take some time off after that. I didn't want to do what I did in highschool and just half ass everything adn get away with it. I want to excel. I just know that I will not because I don't want to. I couldn't be happier to took the time off. I'm slowly finding myself. My parents aren't really supportive of it. This is the first thing they haven't supported me with (though they are backing me but not happily). I feel like I'm a dissapointment. I just couldn't do it.
I work more than anyone else my age I know. I still carry my job at KFC for a few nights a week. 3 years running strong and still under appreciated. I don't mind though, the people there mean so much to me. I also now waitress at Garrison's majority of the week. I don't understand how I can work so many hours and make as shit as I do. I need to refigure that.
I've changed a lot in the past few years. I've come to realize that being under the influence all the time isn't cool. You should love yourself the way you are (I am working on that). Alchohol and weed don't let your true colors shine. No, I am not being a hypocrit. Yes I drink still, yes I smoke still- but very very rarely. I don't need it to have a good time. I don't ever want to need it to have a good time. This is what sets me apart from my whole town and all my friends. I am not a party queen. I don't care if it makes me a reject.
The future scares me lately. I am not usually scared about that kind of stuff too bad. I am going to be 20 within the next couple months. 20. No longer a teenager. How scary is that. My license says I turn 21 in 2010. That's right around the corner. My life couldn't be going any less as planned. I had my future mapped out. Nothing that was on that map is still going to happen. My life is a beginning a new chapter on a fresh piece of paper. It scares me to death.
I went to California in July with Jaime to see Brandon (who I am so happy that i reconnected with). I could never imagine how 6 days could change so much in my life. I've never really believed in any form of "love at first sight". Personally I think it's all complete bullshit. But like, I don't know. I mean, I am not crazy and fell head over heels in love instantly....which I already made it sound. (if you read this, Brandon please don't be creeped out). It's weird. I'm bad with words just thinking about it. It jumbles my brain up and it mixes all my guts inside up. Staying with him for those few days made me really really really like him. The feeling I got when I saw him when I got to California was completely unfamiliar to me. It was wonderful. At the end of the week he sent me the sweetest text and blahhh blhh blahhh we kissed and butterflies filled my tummy and I got nervous and shaky and the chills all at the same time. I was so happy. This doesn't happen to me. I don't like anyone. I always date people for 30 seconds and hate them. Like, the way they laugh or smell or talk or act always ends up bothering me and makes me not want to talk to them anymore. This was different. To make a long story short he makes me so happy. He is the nicest person to me in the whole entire world. He's gorgeous. He's intelligent. He's well grounded. My parents love him. He sends me the most beautiful, sweetest texts, and he thinks I am beautiful when I first wake up. My friends love him (which is tough, Cate's a serious judger) He's perfect....despite the fact HE LIVES 3000 MILES AWAY ACROSS THE FUCKING COUNTRY. My luck right? I want to do anything to be around him. It kills me every single day. I look at other people and no one compares to him. It's incredible. I don't know entirely how to describe it. I diodn't think I'd find anyone that I wanted to risk everything for again. Right now he's home for 8 days. The 8 days are up on friday. Friday is going to be a horrible day. I don't know what I am going to do. ...but basically this leads to the next section.
I want to go out to California for a few months. I'm scared to tell my parents because I know they're going to be sad. Though they sort of know without words being said. My mom has already told me she'd understand. No matter what I am doing it. I need to find myself. I need to find who I am, what I love, who I love, who loves me, and what I am becoming. I'm almost 20 and I don't know who I am. Also, as stated in the above novel of a paragraph Brandon makes me crazy. I've never wanted to up and leave for someone before. I just crave waking up next to him. I crave his touch and his smell. I feel like going away for a while and starting a clean slate is the only thing that is going to make me truly happy.