Oct 09, 2005 22:07
quoted directly from the black book.
"jammed in cars with the craziest boys i know, between my oldest friend and the boy that is tearing down the walls i put up. possibly the best moment ever. i liked the fact you made me come out becasue you wanted to see me, i liked the fact that you promised to protect me against the speedfreaks. i saw you looking at her, i saw her giving you the same look. why did you bring me into this when your still completely head over heels for her? we sat alone in the bathroom, merely cms away as you fed them to me, the only one i have ever felt comfortable and safe doing so. town town town. i only wanted to talk to him, i never had the intention that you assumed. simply buzzing from the substances. i was in such a great mood, until you walked in and gave me that look that bought everything crashing down. lost shit. so much was said. i got kicked out of the exchange. lost shit. we sat in the gutter and you wouldnt even look at me, chris calmed me down and bought me water. he said it was just the high, but it wasnt. it was you. i couldnt believe how much it all hurthurthurthurt.'hes a great guy, i know him well, he'll take care of you. i promise you that.' hurt. cut. deeper. back home we yelled, screamed, argued, i cried. more lost shit. i told you everything i promised myself i wouldnt, because i wanted to do it right this time, i didnt want to fuck it up. but i did. lost. shit. you showed me the messages, the list you made. why? why? why? every second spent makes me fall harder. i watched you play bass for hours while i buzzed. i could have done it for hours more. i slept next to you,listening to you breathe, intoxicated by your smell, curled up to you. if you moved while i was asleep i would unconciously move to cuddle up to you again. if i moved, it was mere seconds before your arms were around me and your face buried in my hair. you told me the answer to something id always questioned. you make me sleep closest to the wall, because you think if someone comes in in the middle of the night, theyd get to you first and youd be able to protect me. i cried so fucking hard. why. did. you. bring. me. into. this? lost shit. so much lost shit. this morning, we were normal like nothing happened. but i knew it was on both of our minds. lost. shit."
i feel like im going to crumble, break down, in any second.