what the fuck.
im so stressed and depressed.
i tried finding a picture of collin for the painting for like 2 hours and had no luck...but to find one i had to go through darcys nikkis jeffs and sarahs pictures from over the past few years...and the reminders were terrible. i look absolutely horrible in every single picture. i dont even know who that is. i dont understand what happened. it makes me so upset. i never saw myself like that, and thats why i despise pictures, because i never looked in them how i felt i looked in real life. or how i felt in real life. i was a joke. i cant even stand to look at them, im so emberassed. im emberassed i ever looked like that, im emberassed i ever let myself go like that, or didnt take care of myself like that. im emberassed when thinking about the guys i liked because why would they ever even consider someone who looked like that. it cuts through me like knives. i know it was a because of all of the alcohol and the constant binge drinking. evidentally my body doesnt process that like others do. theres a shitload of calories in alcohol...but i guess i assumed, i started out as small as nikki vanhouse and she drank as much as me, yet always stayed the same size. i didnt. and thats an understatement. her metabolism must rock. and what makes me want to cry in addition to all this, is that i cant stand to look at the pictures from the best years of my life. the goods times are overshadowed by the monster that i looked like. and thats so, so sad. i am so scared to death to ever look like that again. and i have been eating so terribly lately. honestly i cant have anything but slim fasts and cereal for the next couple of weeks. i know this is a hell of a time to start a diet, amidst all the moving and settling in, but those pictures make me want to throw up. they make me hate myself all over again. they make me wonder if how i am right now is just an illusion. it makes me wonder how the fuck anyone finds/found me attractive. a good thing is that i will be so poor at the new apartment i will have to eat at home. im going to stop eating out. that right there would cause me most likely to lose an additional 10 lbs. easily really, i dont know why i havent done it sooner, its just so damn convinient. i might have to jumpstart it with 1000 calories a day instead of the usual 1500 i shoot for (and hardly make). those pictures just depressed me so much. i dont even know who that person is. i am so, so emberassed, humiliated, overwhelmed, depressed, digusted, apalled, sickened, saddened. i absolutely have to get thinner. i need to be as far away from that person as humanly possible. as i possibly can. i want to make up for all the years of my life that i am humiliated by, and be happy with myself, and like pictures of myself. if justin and i ever get married i want to be able to look at our pictures without wanting to cry. even last year at my birthday i looked disgusting. that was only a year ago. i also looked sick at the christmas party. that was only in december. its so fucking scary. i probably look like shit now and dont realize it. ugh its a nightmare. i have to stop eating out, have to heavily restrict my diet, and lose atleast another 10-15 lbs. i have to for my sanity. whenever i think about eating i should look at a fucking picture, but honestly, i couldnt stomach seeing those pictures that much. im so disgusted.
what a nightmare.
i tried finding a picture of collin for the painting for like 2 hours and had no luck...but to find one i had to go through darcys nikkis jeffs and sarahs pictures from over the past few years...and the reminders were terrible. i look absolutely horrible in every single picture. i dont even know who that is. i dont understand what happened. it makes me so upset. i never saw myself like that, and thats why i despise pictures, because i never looked in them how i felt i looked in real life. or how i felt in real life. i was a joke. i cant even stand to look at them, im so emberassed. im emberassed i ever looked like that, im emberassed i ever let myself go like that, or didnt take care of myself like that. im emberassed when thinking about the guys i liked because why would they ever even consider someone who looked like that. it cuts through me like knives. i know it was a because of all of the alcohol and the constant binge drinking. evidentally my body doesnt process that like others do. theres a shitload of calories in alcohol...but i guess i assumed, i started out as small as nikki vanhouse and she drank as much as me, yet always stayed the same size. i didnt. and thats an understatement. her metabolism must rock. and what makes me want to cry in addition to all this, is that i cant stand to look at the pictures from the best years of my life. the goods times are overshadowed by the monster that i looked like. and thats so, so sad. i am so scared to death to ever look like that again. and i have been eating so terribly lately. honestly i cant have anything but slim fasts and cereal for the next couple of weeks. i know this is a hell of a time to start a diet, amidst all the moving and settling in, but those pictures make me want to throw up. they make me hate myself all over again. they make me wonder if how i am right now is just an illusion. it makes me wonder how the fuck anyone finds/found me attractive. a good thing is that i will be so poor at the new apartment i will have to eat at home. im going to stop eating out. that right there would cause me most likely to lose an additional 10 lbs. easily really, i dont know why i havent done it sooner, its just so damn convinient. i might have to jumpstart it with 1000 calories a day instead of the usual 1500 i shoot for (and hardly make). those pictures just depressed me so much. i dont even know who that person is. i am so, so emberassed, humiliated, overwhelmed, depressed, digusted, apalled, sickened, saddened. i absolutely have to get thinner. i need to be as far away from that person as humanly possible. as i possibly can. i want to make up for all the years of my life that i am humiliated by, and be happy with myself, and like pictures of myself. if justin and i ever get married i want to be able to look at our pictures without wanting to cry. even last year at my birthday i looked disgusting. that was only a year ago. i also looked sick at the christmas party. that was only in december. its so fucking scary. i probably look like shit now and dont realize it. ugh its a nightmare. i have to stop eating out, have to heavily restrict my diet, and lose atleast another 10-15 lbs. i have to for my sanity. whenever i think about eating i should look at a fucking picture, but honestly, i couldnt stomach seeing those pictures that much. im so disgusted.
what a nightmare.