guilty as charged (when FSC is so bloody heavy a cross!)
I've been finding school a little hard to get by. An understatement.
But no, it isn't the school workload, even if promos are just around the corner (1 month?). Neither is it any social problem I'm having with my friends or relationships. Those I can handle; they are but short term obstacles to be and will be overcome by sheer willpower and belief. What I want, I'll work for it and get it, isn't that right? Self-belief, yes, I think I have it in sufficient amounts. Maybe even too much! Bordering on pride, hubris? That isn't good at all. Precisely, that's my problem (or at least I think it is).
School forms a huge part of who we are; where our characters are moulded, shaped. But it isn't just school that defines our characters hmm. There's friends and family, personal experiences, traumas, value systems, etc. Everything affects us in the web of life, no? In the same way we influence others; like a ripple. Simple things. A smile, a wave. An outburst, a cry. We have power in that way, to choose what affects us, to decide what we want to believe in. A step back or forward. Choices choices, I think everyone will know this.
But often, we still fall. And by our own choice too! It's one thing to know what's the right thing to do, it's another to do it and mean it. I know I continually pick the easier road instead of the right one. It plagues me to be aware yet knowingly and consciously take a rosier alternative. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
There is a conflict within myself; human fallability versus his knowledge of what is good and true. It's like having an inner irreconcilable discord - two frictioning states of mind, and I constantly vacillate from one to the other, like a pendulum. A silly one that hurts. Tis better to be ignorant. Really? I don't know anymore.
It's easy to blame the school environment, after all I spend most of my time there. Sure, blame the dynamics, the lousy admin system, the inefficient ways with which they handle their affairs, running their programmes with myopic and half-baked mentalities. Like I said, it does affect me right, how can I be insulated from it. Not my fault I'm like that, not my fault at all! Haha, yeah right. If this thinking isn't false, we're all free from blame huh.
No it is my fault. And I'm gonna borrow Ian's words cos he takes it out of my mouth so eloquently.
I am.
I have.
I will.
I define my purpose, my meaning, my reality. I have free will, and I am thus responisble for everything I do.
I exist, though I have not chosen to exist.
I exist, and so I might impact another existence.
We are but carriers, careening through vaccum around a fiery ball of molten rock,
carriers of something that doesn't quite ascend from or return to ashes.
Carriers of a soul, more solid than matter.
A spirit walks in a forest with a man.
They encounter a rock. The man walks right around it, the spirit, through it.
They encounter a tree. The man walks around it, the spirit, through it.
They encounter a mist in the swamp. Both walk through it.
The man assumes the spirit is less solid, but think again.
Isn't it because the man is more solid that he walks through mist?
I am thrown into existence without any innate idea of what is to past.
Presumedly, I have one innate idea.
I am God's child.
I will find my purpose, directed by god, guided by God, spurred on by God's love.
I am what I make myself out to be.
Couldn't have said it better, I can't push the culpability from myself (much as I want to). I have met the enemy, and he is me. Upsetting forces exist within, not without. I hate to be needy, I'd rather not think that I need support. But I do, we all do. And no matter how I hide these inner conflicts within myself, people notice. I thank God for my friends, if not I"ll just explode!
If the world's a huge pond, I don't wanna be a mere rock lying at the bottom and growing moss. Sometimes, even lifegivers feel the drain. Strength, a little at a time. We need empowerment, patience, kindness. Love! I'm desperate for some sort of compromise, balance, an answer. Yet I know that it's not gonna come easy. Nothing ever is. So help us God!
Incidentally, I met Heng Yang at the SJI bus stop after Teachers' Day celebrations and we parted reminding each other 'Ora et labora'. I felt very affirmed at that, so maybe God is sending angels in the form of people after all :D
Green and white forever.
But no, it isn't the school workload, even if promos are just around the corner (1 month?). Neither is it any social problem I'm having with my friends or relationships. Those I can handle; they are but short term obstacles to be and will be overcome by sheer willpower and belief. What I want, I'll work for it and get it, isn't that right? Self-belief, yes, I think I have it in sufficient amounts. Maybe even too much! Bordering on pride, hubris? That isn't good at all. Precisely, that's my problem (or at least I think it is).
School forms a huge part of who we are; where our characters are moulded, shaped. But it isn't just school that defines our characters hmm. There's friends and family, personal experiences, traumas, value systems, etc. Everything affects us in the web of life, no? In the same way we influence others; like a ripple. Simple things. A smile, a wave. An outburst, a cry. We have power in that way, to choose what affects us, to decide what we want to believe in. A step back or forward. Choices choices, I think everyone will know this.
But often, we still fall. And by our own choice too! It's one thing to know what's the right thing to do, it's another to do it and mean it. I know I continually pick the easier road instead of the right one. It plagues me to be aware yet knowingly and consciously take a rosier alternative. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
There is a conflict within myself; human fallability versus his knowledge of what is good and true. It's like having an inner irreconcilable discord - two frictioning states of mind, and I constantly vacillate from one to the other, like a pendulum. A silly one that hurts. Tis better to be ignorant. Really? I don't know anymore.
It's easy to blame the school environment, after all I spend most of my time there. Sure, blame the dynamics, the lousy admin system, the inefficient ways with which they handle their affairs, running their programmes with myopic and half-baked mentalities. Like I said, it does affect me right, how can I be insulated from it. Not my fault I'm like that, not my fault at all! Haha, yeah right. If this thinking isn't false, we're all free from blame huh.
No it is my fault. And I'm gonna borrow Ian's words cos he takes it out of my mouth so eloquently.
I am.
I have.
I will.
I define my purpose, my meaning, my reality. I have free will, and I am thus responisble for everything I do.
I exist, though I have not chosen to exist.
I exist, and so I might impact another existence.
We are but carriers, careening through vaccum around a fiery ball of molten rock,
carriers of something that doesn't quite ascend from or return to ashes.
Carriers of a soul, more solid than matter.
A spirit walks in a forest with a man.
They encounter a rock. The man walks right around it, the spirit, through it.
They encounter a tree. The man walks around it, the spirit, through it.
They encounter a mist in the swamp. Both walk through it.
The man assumes the spirit is less solid, but think again.
Isn't it because the man is more solid that he walks through mist?
I am thrown into existence without any innate idea of what is to past.
Presumedly, I have one innate idea.
I am God's child.
I will find my purpose, directed by god, guided by God, spurred on by God's love.
I am what I make myself out to be.
Couldn't have said it better, I can't push the culpability from myself (much as I want to). I have met the enemy, and he is me. Upsetting forces exist within, not without. I hate to be needy, I'd rather not think that I need support. But I do, we all do. And no matter how I hide these inner conflicts within myself, people notice. I thank God for my friends, if not I"ll just explode!
If the world's a huge pond, I don't wanna be a mere rock lying at the bottom and growing moss. Sometimes, even lifegivers feel the drain. Strength, a little at a time. We need empowerment, patience, kindness. Love! I'm desperate for some sort of compromise, balance, an answer. Yet I know that it's not gonna come easy. Nothing ever is. So help us God!
Incidentally, I met Heng Yang at the SJI bus stop after Teachers' Day celebrations and we parted reminding each other 'Ora et labora'. I felt very affirmed at that, so maybe God is sending angels in the form of people after all :D
Green and white forever.