Anna's song
Someone asked me how I knew I had anorexia, and how I was diagnosed, and it made me think about it a little, and made me want to share my story.
I've never been confident about my weight, or at least since I was a teenage, and spent most of my teen years, and basically until last year eating only one meal a day. I used to skip breakfast, and rarely ever ate lunch. I'd binge on junk, and did unspeakable things to my body with that junk.
I was also the original coca-cola kid, which really did a number on my abs. They disappeared.
I ate when I was unhappy, ate whatever I wanted without really exercising.
I ended up being a size 12, and was always told I was big boned. A size 12 may not seem like a lot, but I'm 5'5'' and it was a untoned size 12.
I have never been confident about my body. It came from feeling uncomfortable with my chest, and just not confident about myself in general.
I started dating my boyfriend in 2003, and he's a superfit gym junkie. It was him that made me decide to go to the gym. Or more so my insecurities of losing him to someone else because he had the perfect body, and was just drop dead gorgeous, and I fely slightly inferior.
First year I barely went to the gym, but last year after we broke up for two whole months, I decided that I was sick and tired of being unfit, and started making the most of my gym membership.
I started going to the gym seven days a week, and working out for an hour to two hours, and cut out every bit of junk possible.
I dropped down from a size 12 to a size 8 in six weeks. You'd think I would have been happy with being a size 8 for the first time in my life. Nope, I had to give away all my wardrobe because it didn't fit me, and was thin for the first time in my life but was obsessed with my stomach.
I started working out even more, and walking everywhere.
This continued to the point where my housemate, whose sister is anorexic sat me down and told me I had an eating disorder.
I laughed at her, told her she was being ridiculous and I had the right to be insecure about my body because I was still fat.
Except I wasn't. I was 50kgs.
I refused to believe her, and when I looked in the mirror I saw myself as fat. I didn't see that I was skinnier than I had ever been.
It wasn't until I got back together with my boyfriend, and he sat me down and told me that I had an eating disorder, and put me in front of the mirror and told me to really look close at myself.
He made me go and see someone at disordered eating services, who told me I had anorexia nervosa.
I had all the symptoms:
severe restriction of food intake
loss of body weight to an unhealthy level
loss of menstrual periods (female)
an intense fear of getting fat, and/or losing control of eating
often a disturbed body image-still regarding self as fat despite being quite underweight.
At least, except for the loss of period, but that is at the most severe.
It plunged me into depression, and I can honestly say that it was one of the darkest periods of my life. For two or three weeks I was severely depressed, and considered killing myself.
There were nights I would cry myself to sleep, and ask myself what was wrong with me? What made me feel this way? Why was I different? Why couldn't I be normal for once?
Then something snapped. I decided that yeah I may have this disease but it didn't mean I had to like it, or tolerate it. I decided that I wasn't going to let it kill me, and being a control freak, I wasn't going to let something else control me.
I started seeing a counsellor. That may work for some people, but it made me feel worse and I decided against seeing her.
Instead I found a great nutritionist, and studied everything I could about my ED.
The nutritionist is great, although I am the first to admit that i don't stick to her diet and don't eat three meals a day. Most days I still only eat one.
All through this I am still obsessed with my stomach, and I am happy to say that I am now 53 kilos. I've put on 3 kilos, which is muscle. I started doing stomach crunches about two months ago to tone up my stomach, and it's working slowly.
I still obsess about my stomach. I still have bad days, and I am still anorexic. That won't change, but I also know I will not let this kill me.
I've been told I probably will not be able to work fulltime because I have low energy levels.
I've been told that if I continue eating the way I do, I will die. So I push myself to get better, and my diary is a great outlet for my fears.
I'm lucky to have an amazing man and amazing family to talk to about this.
Telling my parents was hard. I told my mum first. I took her shopping, and told her while we were shopping. I knew if I told her at home, I'd break down and I don't like to cry in front of people.
So we went shopping, and I said, "Oh by the way I'm anorexic, but please don't be mad or tell dad."
My mum got upset, but said she already had a feeling that something was right with the way I dropped down so quickly, and was still dropping down.
I didn't want to tell my dad. Mum was easy to tell, or at least easier than my dad. I told my brother first, who didn't even reply when I told him.
Then I finally decided I needed to tell my dad, so I e-mailed him and told him.
I couldn't tell him face to face because I didn't want his disapproval, or for him to be disappointed in me.
It upset him greatly, as I found out someone he knew and loved died of anorexia and he couldn't talk to me about it.
So I told him what I knew, what I was doing about it and that all I needed was his love and support.
They told my sister a few months ago.
Telling family was harder than telling friends, but then that's because I joke about it.
I'm a big believer in making jokes when I am hurting the most.
I told my best friend, and he'd already guessed.
Another friend asked me how I was. My reply was, "Funny thing turns out I'm anorexic, how about you?"
I didn't want to tell the boy's friends, but one of them started calling me "Little Ms Disappearing" the boy stepped in, told him to shut up and that I was anorexic.
Most of them have been more supportive than some of my own friends. My friends have told me to eat something, but it's not about food. It never has been.
It comes from insecurities, perceptions of how one seems themselves, and in my case I am my biggest and worst critic. I'm a perfectionist to the core, and everything about me has to be perfect. It's my stomach right now that I hate, but I am sure next it will be something else, if I don't stop.
I'm learning to be happy for me, or as happy as I allow myself to be. It's like I feel like I don't deserve everything in my life.
I have this amazing man, who feels guilty for making me anorexic despite the fact I had an eating disorder long before I met him.
He's supportive, loving and my rock.
Family and friends who are amazing.
I know joking about anna is not a great idea, but it is the way I survive it. I don't want to be treated any differently, or looked at with pity. I'm fit, and as healthy as I can be with this. The only difference between me and any other girl is that when I feel guilty about eating something bad, I punish myself.
Eating disorders aren't a laughing matter though. You can die from them, and more people die from anorexia and ED's than any other mental disease. Yup, it's a menta disease. It's horrible to think of it like that, but it is very much about the mind.
I also know I'm not getting better, despite my efforts. I'm happy I've put on muscle, but that is with the help of the protein shakes I take. I have to take vitamin Bs, C, and iron tablets four times a day. This is my life.
It's not going to get normal for a long time, but then what is normal anyway?
I still think my stomach is fat, and probably will until I have the toned abs I want.
It's just me. The way I am. I was born to push myself hard, and something I'm slowly trying to let go of.
I don't want to see others go through this. I don't want to go through it myself.
It angers me that we live in a society where everyone has to be thin and beautiful, and if you're not then you are made to feel inferior. There is nothing inferior about anyone, and we should never be made to feel this way, especially when every magazine cover we see there has been airbrushing done.
We live in a society where people think it is okay to make people feel inferior.
And these people are the ugly people.
My nutritionist tells me to tell her if "Anna" is telling me to do things, and that is the way it is.
I'm lucky. I still binge, but generally it's when I am due for my period. I try not to eat cakes or biscuits because I won't eat one biscuit, I'll eat the whole pack.
And then punish myself for it.
I'm lucky because I haven't got to the stage of anorexia, where throwing up became a daily routine and where anorexia becomes bulimia. I won't let myself get to that stage.
My story is no different really than any other story with anorexia.
No big deal. Life goes on.
Just because I have anorexia, doesn't mean I am any different than anyone else. You can walk past me in the street and not realise I'm anorexic. People have this stereotype of what anorexia is, and should be. It's not. Anorexics become very good at hiding secrets, and I'm the Queen of being a chameleon. Only people who knew the me before now would know the difference in my body shape.
For one I no longer have hips or an ass. Or at least not much of both. The funny thing is I like the way my body is now, except for my stomach. I'm not trying to purposely destroy myself, or make myself thinner. It's something I can't control.
The whole thing is learning how to take control.
But I still know this bitch is not going to kill me. It's not going to take me out of my life, and it's not going to destroy me.
I know, deep down, I am stronger than that.
I find strength in myself, Steven, my family and friends and I'll be damned if I let Anna take that away from me.
I find it funny when people say to me "You don't look anorexic". Um yeah, well you don't look like the type to stereotype either.
I'm sure some people don't look like serial killers, but it doesn't mean they're not.
They are some great sites about eating disorders for anyone interested, and worried about it themselves and they include
Eating disorders Victoria
Anred
eating disorders
I've never been confident about my weight, or at least since I was a teenage, and spent most of my teen years, and basically until last year eating only one meal a day. I used to skip breakfast, and rarely ever ate lunch. I'd binge on junk, and did unspeakable things to my body with that junk.
I was also the original coca-cola kid, which really did a number on my abs. They disappeared.
I ate when I was unhappy, ate whatever I wanted without really exercising.
I ended up being a size 12, and was always told I was big boned. A size 12 may not seem like a lot, but I'm 5'5'' and it was a untoned size 12.
I have never been confident about my body. It came from feeling uncomfortable with my chest, and just not confident about myself in general.
I started dating my boyfriend in 2003, and he's a superfit gym junkie. It was him that made me decide to go to the gym. Or more so my insecurities of losing him to someone else because he had the perfect body, and was just drop dead gorgeous, and I fely slightly inferior.
First year I barely went to the gym, but last year after we broke up for two whole months, I decided that I was sick and tired of being unfit, and started making the most of my gym membership.
I started going to the gym seven days a week, and working out for an hour to two hours, and cut out every bit of junk possible.
I dropped down from a size 12 to a size 8 in six weeks. You'd think I would have been happy with being a size 8 for the first time in my life. Nope, I had to give away all my wardrobe because it didn't fit me, and was thin for the first time in my life but was obsessed with my stomach.
I started working out even more, and walking everywhere.
This continued to the point where my housemate, whose sister is anorexic sat me down and told me I had an eating disorder.
I laughed at her, told her she was being ridiculous and I had the right to be insecure about my body because I was still fat.
Except I wasn't. I was 50kgs.
I refused to believe her, and when I looked in the mirror I saw myself as fat. I didn't see that I was skinnier than I had ever been.
It wasn't until I got back together with my boyfriend, and he sat me down and told me that I had an eating disorder, and put me in front of the mirror and told me to really look close at myself.
He made me go and see someone at disordered eating services, who told me I had anorexia nervosa.
I had all the symptoms:
severe restriction of food intake
loss of body weight to an unhealthy level
loss of menstrual periods (female)
an intense fear of getting fat, and/or losing control of eating
often a disturbed body image-still regarding self as fat despite being quite underweight.
At least, except for the loss of period, but that is at the most severe.
It plunged me into depression, and I can honestly say that it was one of the darkest periods of my life. For two or three weeks I was severely depressed, and considered killing myself.
There were nights I would cry myself to sleep, and ask myself what was wrong with me? What made me feel this way? Why was I different? Why couldn't I be normal for once?
Then something snapped. I decided that yeah I may have this disease but it didn't mean I had to like it, or tolerate it. I decided that I wasn't going to let it kill me, and being a control freak, I wasn't going to let something else control me.
I started seeing a counsellor. That may work for some people, but it made me feel worse and I decided against seeing her.
Instead I found a great nutritionist, and studied everything I could about my ED.
The nutritionist is great, although I am the first to admit that i don't stick to her diet and don't eat three meals a day. Most days I still only eat one.
All through this I am still obsessed with my stomach, and I am happy to say that I am now 53 kilos. I've put on 3 kilos, which is muscle. I started doing stomach crunches about two months ago to tone up my stomach, and it's working slowly.
I still obsess about my stomach. I still have bad days, and I am still anorexic. That won't change, but I also know I will not let this kill me.
I've been told I probably will not be able to work fulltime because I have low energy levels.
I've been told that if I continue eating the way I do, I will die. So I push myself to get better, and my diary is a great outlet for my fears.
I'm lucky to have an amazing man and amazing family to talk to about this.
Telling my parents was hard. I told my mum first. I took her shopping, and told her while we were shopping. I knew if I told her at home, I'd break down and I don't like to cry in front of people.
So we went shopping, and I said, "Oh by the way I'm anorexic, but please don't be mad or tell dad."
My mum got upset, but said she already had a feeling that something was right with the way I dropped down so quickly, and was still dropping down.
I didn't want to tell my dad. Mum was easy to tell, or at least easier than my dad. I told my brother first, who didn't even reply when I told him.
Then I finally decided I needed to tell my dad, so I e-mailed him and told him.
I couldn't tell him face to face because I didn't want his disapproval, or for him to be disappointed in me.
It upset him greatly, as I found out someone he knew and loved died of anorexia and he couldn't talk to me about it.
So I told him what I knew, what I was doing about it and that all I needed was his love and support.
They told my sister a few months ago.
Telling family was harder than telling friends, but then that's because I joke about it.
I'm a big believer in making jokes when I am hurting the most.
I told my best friend, and he'd already guessed.
Another friend asked me how I was. My reply was, "Funny thing turns out I'm anorexic, how about you?"
I didn't want to tell the boy's friends, but one of them started calling me "Little Ms Disappearing" the boy stepped in, told him to shut up and that I was anorexic.
Most of them have been more supportive than some of my own friends. My friends have told me to eat something, but it's not about food. It never has been.
It comes from insecurities, perceptions of how one seems themselves, and in my case I am my biggest and worst critic. I'm a perfectionist to the core, and everything about me has to be perfect. It's my stomach right now that I hate, but I am sure next it will be something else, if I don't stop.
I'm learning to be happy for me, or as happy as I allow myself to be. It's like I feel like I don't deserve everything in my life.
I have this amazing man, who feels guilty for making me anorexic despite the fact I had an eating disorder long before I met him.
He's supportive, loving and my rock.
Family and friends who are amazing.
I know joking about anna is not a great idea, but it is the way I survive it. I don't want to be treated any differently, or looked at with pity. I'm fit, and as healthy as I can be with this. The only difference between me and any other girl is that when I feel guilty about eating something bad, I punish myself.
Eating disorders aren't a laughing matter though. You can die from them, and more people die from anorexia and ED's than any other mental disease. Yup, it's a menta disease. It's horrible to think of it like that, but it is very much about the mind.
I also know I'm not getting better, despite my efforts. I'm happy I've put on muscle, but that is with the help of the protein shakes I take. I have to take vitamin Bs, C, and iron tablets four times a day. This is my life.
It's not going to get normal for a long time, but then what is normal anyway?
I still think my stomach is fat, and probably will until I have the toned abs I want.
It's just me. The way I am. I was born to push myself hard, and something I'm slowly trying to let go of.
I don't want to see others go through this. I don't want to go through it myself.
It angers me that we live in a society where everyone has to be thin and beautiful, and if you're not then you are made to feel inferior. There is nothing inferior about anyone, and we should never be made to feel this way, especially when every magazine cover we see there has been airbrushing done.
We live in a society where people think it is okay to make people feel inferior.
And these people are the ugly people.
My nutritionist tells me to tell her if "Anna" is telling me to do things, and that is the way it is.
I'm lucky. I still binge, but generally it's when I am due for my period. I try not to eat cakes or biscuits because I won't eat one biscuit, I'll eat the whole pack.
And then punish myself for it.
I'm lucky because I haven't got to the stage of anorexia, where throwing up became a daily routine and where anorexia becomes bulimia. I won't let myself get to that stage.
My story is no different really than any other story with anorexia.
No big deal. Life goes on.
Just because I have anorexia, doesn't mean I am any different than anyone else. You can walk past me in the street and not realise I'm anorexic. People have this stereotype of what anorexia is, and should be. It's not. Anorexics become very good at hiding secrets, and I'm the Queen of being a chameleon. Only people who knew the me before now would know the difference in my body shape.
For one I no longer have hips or an ass. Or at least not much of both. The funny thing is I like the way my body is now, except for my stomach. I'm not trying to purposely destroy myself, or make myself thinner. It's something I can't control.
The whole thing is learning how to take control.
But I still know this bitch is not going to kill me. It's not going to take me out of my life, and it's not going to destroy me.
I know, deep down, I am stronger than that.
I find strength in myself, Steven, my family and friends and I'll be damned if I let Anna take that away from me.
I find it funny when people say to me "You don't look anorexic". Um yeah, well you don't look like the type to stereotype either.
I'm sure some people don't look like serial killers, but it doesn't mean they're not.
They are some great sites about eating disorders for anyone interested, and worried about it themselves and they include
Eating disorders Victoria
Anred
eating disorders