super ultra abridged

[facetiae]

I ran across this again recently, and don't remember if I posted it here before or not. via cjmr, we can all now become enriched in a mere 60 seconds by reading a book a minute.

swoon at the drama of Wuthering Heights:

Lockwood: I think I'll stay here. Tell me a story, woman.
Nelly Dean: I'm no gossip, mind you, but this guy Heathcliff got adopted, everyone hated him, and his love Catherine died.
Heathcliff: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (dies)
Lockwood: I'll be on my way.
THE END

thrill at the suspense in Moby Dick

Ishmael: Call me Ishmael.
Captain Ahab: Crew, we will seek the white whale and kill it, because I am insane.
Crew: Alas, your destructive obsession will be our undoing.
(They almost find the white whale. Then they almost find the white whale. Then they find it.)
Captain Ahab: I stab at thee. I stab at thee.
(Everybody dies except Ishmael, although this is no surprise, because it was foreshadowed CONTINUALLY from the BEGINNING.)
THE END

and save yourselves endless hours of reading to your ungrateful children.

Sally and Me: We're bored.
(The Cat in the Hat shows up and wrecks the entire house. He cleans it up just before MOM gets home.)
Sally and Me: Let us never speak of boredom again.
THE END