time keeps going on without us long after we're dead and gone.
to think, just months ago, i posted that same quote. different situation. same quote. and i never thought i'd have to be thinking about my past again. that horrible feeling i'd wake up with, the one that would eat away at me throughout a day, and then i'd sit up nights reminiscing about "remember when..." i never thought i'd have that uneasy feeling again. i never thought i'd be doing this again. i never thought i'd be sitting around wondering if he was alright, if he was happy, if he was sane, if he was thinking about me. a few months ago, i would have had all the answers, i would have been on the phone or laying in bed with him. i wouldn't be putting myself through this hell. i wouldn't be slowly killing myself.
up up down down left right left right B A start,
just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart,
i don't see what anyone can in anyone else but You.
so, i think it's a bad thing when You define and recall periods in Your life by who You were dating, who You were heartbroken by, who You liked or who You were just messing around with at that time. relationships and food. they've been the center of my existance since i was like 6.
Valentine's Day.
snow day. tears. wake-up calls. walking. K-House. Valentine's Day. shoveling. Wally-World. hunger. more shoveling. drifts. Tony. Jeff. weed. Dirty Minds.
coffee. cigarettes. cappucino. chicken. carbohydrates. calories. calories. calories.
yesterday.
waking. walking. shoveling. pains. aches. tears. yelling. fighting. attitudes. vegetarian. cunts. calories. coffee. crackers. energy drinks. V8. yogurts. salad. fat free ranch.
things are shitty. i'm losing my mind. and Jeff is totally fucking with my head. he knows i'm vulnerable as hell right now...
i'm in love. we're going on four months, two of which have been spent very much apart. i'm engaged for Christ's sake. i'm not exactly going to be able to see or speak with him for a few years. but i'm gonna keep going on strong because i have to. i love him.
and two days ago was Valentine's day. and it was really hard for me to get through. and Jeff woke me up early, and i grabbed my tee-shirt and i thought of the man i love sitting in jail on Valentine's Day because of me. and i got off the phone and i cried. and then i went to the K-House, and Jeff gave me a big Valentine hug and kiss because he was my stand-in for the day. and then we dug and dug and dug until we got Karissa's car out. and we went to the gas-station in our state of emergency blizzard. i got Cappucino and a Slim Jim. i gave him half the Slim Jim because i felt ginormous(because i am), and we went to Wally World. and he held my hand and walked with me all around the store acting like i was his girlfriend. and mind You, four months earlier, i would have died to have this boy, one of my best friends in the world, treating me like his girlfriend. now it's just complicating things more than they already are and i'm in an okay spot right now, and i just don't want to blow that with something so..i don't know. because even though i'm not happy at the moment, in the long run, i know it's the right choice. and so after Wally World, he helped me shovel my driveway. and we hung out in Jen's room and smoked cigarettes and he played me songs on the gee-tarr. and we laughed and sang and listened to music. and then Jen left me downstairs with him. and i was laying on the bed. and he started kissing me. and he was holding my stomach and i told him that i wasn't comfortable. and he didn't really understand exactly what i meant i guess because he told me that i wasn't fat and that i was beautiful. and for one thing, i have never heard Jeff use that word in all the years i've known him. and then i was talking about cutting my hair and he told me not to because he liked it and that i was perfect the way i was. and blah blah blah. so i started talking about being hungry so that i could change the subject. and then i lit a cigarette. and he went upstairs to eat because i grew him an appetite. finishing my cigarette, i followed a few minutes behind. and then i was trapped. i had to eat. and i told Jen that i was mad at her for leaving me downstairs alone with him because she knows how he gets when he's alone with me. but i think i was really mad at myself for not having the balls to confront him right then and there and tell him to stop fucking with me because it isn't fair. and at one point when he and i were downstairs, i told him that it was weird...him and me...and he said that he knew though that i really did want things to be that way. and i don't. i just don't know how to tell him to stop fucking with me. i love him to death. he's one of my best friends in the entire world, and yes, part of me will always love him like we were meant to be together. but the thing is, we aren't meant to be together. and no part of me wants to be with him anymore. and i don't have those feelings for him anymore. and i just don't know how to tell my head that. i know where my heart is. it's in Scranton in a federal prison wrapped really tightly in the heart of the man rotting in there because i love him so much. but my head is all sorts of fucked up, and here and there and everywhere. i'm so stressed out it isn't even fathomable. help.
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i got up this morning. made coffee. searched for my cell phone. got screamed at by Theresa. drank my coffee on the all-too-long, cigarette-less bus ride. got to school and had less than a quarter of a bagel with a little bit of grape jelly on it. waited around for what felt like an eternity for them to FINALLY start first period because today was the biggest waste of time and we shouldn't have had school. shared my first Full Throttle with Punkin. no lunch. had a slight breakdown during elective. finished the day with art and Study Hall. the easiest end of a day ever, i love Fridays. off the bus at the K-House. smoked my very much needed LAST cigarette. came home and told J-O-Seph about my plan to coax mommy into letting me go bowling tonight pending i found my cell phone. Theresa called and told me she found my cell phone. <3. called Punkin. got off the phone and had a major breakdown. sat down, and now i'm drinking another Full Throttle.
i'm going nuts. Mike would kill me if he knew what i was putting myself through, but i can't stand being in my own skin. i can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. i can't stand the thought of anybody touching me. i can't stand the thought of anybody actually being attracted to the tub of lard that is my flesh. i despise this body. i want a new one. a thinner one. a softer, more frail body. a body to finally call my own. a body that i don't want to just melt out of due to the utter detest i feel for it. i need him. he made me feel whole. he made me beautiful and honest and loved and caring and care-free and clear. he made me everything that i was just a couple of months ago. and to go from seeing the man You're going to marry every single day to having it RIPPED from You in a matter of seconds, it'll fucking do some serious long-term damage. possibly permanent. i don't want to be cracked or broken or fragile or a fucking ticking time bomb. i don't want to be any of that in ten years. i want to be stable, and happy, and healthy, and thin, and beautiful. so he has something to be proud of, not something to worry about every second of every day. i can't handle this anymore. i can't handle me. i can't give up either. i need this. it's all i've ever really known. and the glimpse of life that i managed to catch before he was ripped from me, it was beautiful. but i don't really remember it, except that it was free and it was beautiful and it was whole. i can't give up on him either. i love him. and he loves me. and that's that. i WON'T give up. that's one promise i made that i damn-well intend to keep. i won't give up on him, i won't give up on life, and i won't give up on us. however, in not giving up on any of those, i also won't give this up. not yet. and the fact that i know that what i'm doing can ultimately kill any chances of ever having children, i want so badly to be healthy. but i don't know what healthy feels like and i certainly don't know how to get there. so i'm going to risk everything i love so much for something else that i love. some sacrifices are worth making, i just wonder if this is one of those sacrifices?
i'm losing my mind.