twisted.
I feel mangled and twisted beyond repair. I look for hope in everything, as if some glipse will restore my faith. I'm losing a war I don't care to wage, yet I won't surrender. I suppose I am a fool, or foolish to say the least. Not only do I let down those around me I feel the danger dangling in the air like a energized cloud in preperation to strike. I can feel the static on the back of my neck. I am never at ease. My mind moves at the speed of light. Constant reminders of past sins crucify me daily. I hold the rosary in my palm and beg for forgiveness while the doubt of his existence lingers still. Oh Lord, count me among thy saints.. if I was ever to be so lucky. The knotting of my stomach and the inability to breathe grows stronger, as the anxiety swirls around me in a carousel of blurred emotions. I only hope those I have touched have truely been marked for life, failure of this means I am nothing but the decaying leaf, slowly crumbling and blowing in the wind until the beauty once held is forgotten and dismissed. I hold so many memories of laughter and smiles, and now they seem animated and gone. 8MM mental films being disregarded as relationships burn in destruction. I often miss those times.. a few days ago I seen a blood-red sun setting among the clouds. It was the first time in years I actually thanked God for being alive. I've hurt myself and so many more. I wish I was a child again.