Lots of things going on, but...
I'm just gonna focus on Mary Lee for right now. Not because she's the most pressing of all my issues (Switching brokerages, a strange man looking for me at my home, my hearing today regarding my lawsuit against NYC, among a few) but because I need to sort my thoughts and feelings out in a coherent way.
Here's where we are: We are actively engaged in each other's lives, whether that's just idle chit chat while we are at work or telling the other one when we're sick or there's some major update in our lives. We sleep together roughly once a week, this was put on pause due to my being diagnosed with HPV warts (I have since taken the vaccine and had acid work done on them), but the last time I saw her I still went down on her (twice) to make up for it. Our defenses are fairly weakened in regards to each other's ongoing feelings. The first time we hooked up she said "don't look too deep into it, our sex is great because our bodies fit well together" (which i saw through) and has basically evolved into, "this isn't just sex, it's genuine lovemaking, and it keeps getting better."
So the indication would be, to most objective viewers, that we are likely candidates to get back together. Because, hey, if the sex is the best you've ever experienced, and this person is simultaneously one of your best friends, you're physically attracted to them, and enjoy just talking to them to talk then why not? I think that was the thought, at least subconsciously, which is why all the garbage of the past relationship started to emerge. Almost like a warning: Don't get too caught up and excited, remember how bad all of this once was. And it was bad, much worse for me than it was for her. And, worst of all, despite that being the case only I have put any real thought on how to make things better. She hears my complaints, or problems, but doesn't actually listen. She doesn't understand the gravity of the situation, doesn't seem to grasp how degrading and destructive her behavior was to someone who she claimed to care very much about. And, given that getting back together with an ex means starting something new, it's probably not in anyone's best interest to explore that possibility with someone who holds grudges and doesn't view their behavior as problematic.
That should probably be it, honestly. I probably right there spelled out what the obvious decision should be. Walk away. Be polite and amicable but recognize that there is no future with this individual even if you checked all of her boxes because she cannot grow into someone who can be the type of partner you need. She believes she is currently at her best and her current best is an emotionally abusive girlfriend. She's not a bad person, or a bad friend, she's not like Christine. But she holds grudges, struggles to apologize, can't forgive, and approaches her flaws from the direction of, "how can I fix my self doubt and justify my actions" as opposed to "how can I fix this habit that is causing pain and problems for my partner and relationship". I'm not looking for perfect, I'm looking for someone who views themselves as a work in progress.
The emotionally abusive aspect was driven home when she made a comment, regarding a friend who helped her carry her rolling suitcase, "It was so nice to have someone do something nice for me, when nobody else does nice things." Which was the sort of passive aggressive garbage I was degraded with time and time again. I froze up, like PTSD, and asked if that was directed at me. She said, for the first time ever by the way, that I do nice things although perhaps it was a subconscious attack. It was a shrill reminder of the nightmare left behind.
Later on the question Nikki warned me about finally reared its ugly head. Have you slept with anyone since we broke up? It was partial curiosity, partial trying to figure out where the HPV may have come from. I couldn't outright lie so I told her one person. This completely flustered her. She then proceeded to tell me she's been on dates and even made out with one guy. I told her I did not ask for that information. She said that making out doesn't count as anything. But sex. She pried to try and figure out who or from where. I didn't give out the name but I said that it wasn't from Tinder, wasn't the bunny girl (Annette), and that she knows who she is but doesn't know her. (Btw - I wasn't teasing her with this info, she was guessing and I was confirming/denying) She asked when and I gave her a basic time frame and told her it was before we began sleeping together again. I said, hey look, you broke up with me and then to the best of my knowledge decided to shit talk me for an entire afternoon to our mutual friend, what do you expect? "Fuck him!" She said. It was a rare moment, honestly. Unless she's raging at me for some thing or another she rarely lets her emotions just go like that. She was clearly, 100%, expecting me to say "no, I haven't slept with anyone."
If I was a dick I could have told her that it was the same night that she texted me nostalgic about our 4th of July festivities from the previous year. But I thought she would be able to guess who it was, and the girl deserves anonymity, and it would have hurt. I'd rather her believe it was before she reached out again and that it was just some revenge sex situation, that perhaps I regret, as opposed to something that I wasn't even looking for that brightened my mood and world outlook substantially.
Maybe I should give her some benefit of the doubt that she would change? Or care enough to change. It would be great if it were possible. We're a well bonded pair and I'm putting work in on my part, not for her (looking to make more money), so I believe I will be able to check her major box in due time. Maybe one of the reasons why she doesn't seem to listen is just because she's generally pretty guarded and perhaps she really was listening and caring about the things I told her. That's possible. And if that's possible then reconciliation is possible. I'm willing to change my view and let things go if she gives me the reason.
I've reconciled with people who have done worse things.
wasz, ryan
Here's where we are: We are actively engaged in each other's lives, whether that's just idle chit chat while we are at work or telling the other one when we're sick or there's some major update in our lives. We sleep together roughly once a week, this was put on pause due to my being diagnosed with HPV warts (I have since taken the vaccine and had acid work done on them), but the last time I saw her I still went down on her (twice) to make up for it. Our defenses are fairly weakened in regards to each other's ongoing feelings. The first time we hooked up she said "don't look too deep into it, our sex is great because our bodies fit well together" (which i saw through) and has basically evolved into, "this isn't just sex, it's genuine lovemaking, and it keeps getting better."
So the indication would be, to most objective viewers, that we are likely candidates to get back together. Because, hey, if the sex is the best you've ever experienced, and this person is simultaneously one of your best friends, you're physically attracted to them, and enjoy just talking to them to talk then why not? I think that was the thought, at least subconsciously, which is why all the garbage of the past relationship started to emerge. Almost like a warning: Don't get too caught up and excited, remember how bad all of this once was. And it was bad, much worse for me than it was for her. And, worst of all, despite that being the case only I have put any real thought on how to make things better. She hears my complaints, or problems, but doesn't actually listen. She doesn't understand the gravity of the situation, doesn't seem to grasp how degrading and destructive her behavior was to someone who she claimed to care very much about. And, given that getting back together with an ex means starting something new, it's probably not in anyone's best interest to explore that possibility with someone who holds grudges and doesn't view their behavior as problematic.
That should probably be it, honestly. I probably right there spelled out what the obvious decision should be. Walk away. Be polite and amicable but recognize that there is no future with this individual even if you checked all of her boxes because she cannot grow into someone who can be the type of partner you need. She believes she is currently at her best and her current best is an emotionally abusive girlfriend. She's not a bad person, or a bad friend, she's not like Christine. But she holds grudges, struggles to apologize, can't forgive, and approaches her flaws from the direction of, "how can I fix my self doubt and justify my actions" as opposed to "how can I fix this habit that is causing pain and problems for my partner and relationship". I'm not looking for perfect, I'm looking for someone who views themselves as a work in progress.
The emotionally abusive aspect was driven home when she made a comment, regarding a friend who helped her carry her rolling suitcase, "It was so nice to have someone do something nice for me, when nobody else does nice things." Which was the sort of passive aggressive garbage I was degraded with time and time again. I froze up, like PTSD, and asked if that was directed at me. She said, for the first time ever by the way, that I do nice things although perhaps it was a subconscious attack. It was a shrill reminder of the nightmare left behind.
Later on the question Nikki warned me about finally reared its ugly head. Have you slept with anyone since we broke up? It was partial curiosity, partial trying to figure out where the HPV may have come from. I couldn't outright lie so I told her one person. This completely flustered her. She then proceeded to tell me she's been on dates and even made out with one guy. I told her I did not ask for that information. She said that making out doesn't count as anything. But sex. She pried to try and figure out who or from where. I didn't give out the name but I said that it wasn't from Tinder, wasn't the bunny girl (Annette), and that she knows who she is but doesn't know her. (Btw - I wasn't teasing her with this info, she was guessing and I was confirming/denying) She asked when and I gave her a basic time frame and told her it was before we began sleeping together again. I said, hey look, you broke up with me and then to the best of my knowledge decided to shit talk me for an entire afternoon to our mutual friend, what do you expect? "Fuck him!" She said. It was a rare moment, honestly. Unless she's raging at me for some thing or another she rarely lets her emotions just go like that. She was clearly, 100%, expecting me to say "no, I haven't slept with anyone."
If I was a dick I could have told her that it was the same night that she texted me nostalgic about our 4th of July festivities from the previous year. But I thought she would be able to guess who it was, and the girl deserves anonymity, and it would have hurt. I'd rather her believe it was before she reached out again and that it was just some revenge sex situation, that perhaps I regret, as opposed to something that I wasn't even looking for that brightened my mood and world outlook substantially.
Maybe I should give her some benefit of the doubt that she would change? Or care enough to change. It would be great if it were possible. We're a well bonded pair and I'm putting work in on my part, not for her (looking to make more money), so I believe I will be able to check her major box in due time. Maybe one of the reasons why she doesn't seem to listen is just because she's generally pretty guarded and perhaps she really was listening and caring about the things I told her. That's possible. And if that's possible then reconciliation is possible. I'm willing to change my view and let things go if she gives me the reason.
I've reconciled with people who have done worse things.
wasz, ryan