Working hard, real estate on the radar
Time to really buckle down and pick things up in preparation for my real estate career. One of the most daunting things is getting to know the inventory. The inventory of all 5 boroughs of NYC. Meaning all the neighborhoods. Broken down into 15 categories of apartments. How many active, the average price, how many under contract, the average price, how many sold in the last year, the average price, and something called the absorption rate (a calculation based on past sales to estimate how quickly active listings will remain on the market). Let me keep things short and tell you: that shit takes a lot of fucking time. Every time I looked at my clock another 45 minutes had passed and I didn't make it through all of Queens yet.
But I have time. I can't really get started until I have my own website set up anyway, because I need to be able to run Facebook ads as my primary source of marketing. And, as luck should have it, the website I was planning on setting up (normally $500 dollars) is doing a $350 off sale until the 28th, 2 days after my hearing when I'll be set up with the money I've been owed. I may need to borrow money until the check comes but how sweet is that? As long as I keep to the grindstone I should have an entire spreadsheet for NYC ready to go and a website with a functioning digital ads account to go with it.
Let me try not to get ahead of myself but I'm happy to see a plan beginning to come together.
There's a part of me still worrying about losing "my person", though. I don't want to put the negative energy out there but I hope she sticks around long enough to see the fruits of my hardwork and to take me seriously. She said it irks her when I tell her I love her now, which hurt a bit (and lessened the pleasure, for me at least, of our last hookup), but I don't think it's because she doesn't love me. I think she genuinely does. I just think the thought makes her deeply uncomfortable because, naturally, if you love someone and they love you back and the sex is as passionate as you've experienced the natural conclusion is to couple up with them. It's what any pair alive would do. But if you can't see functionality from a boyfriend/girlfriend perspective I can understand wanting to dismiss, smother, murder those emotions. And find someone else to make sure those feelings remain buried and forgotten.
Money, on my end, would solve most of those concerns inevitably. We'd be able to go out more often, to travel together, to not have to be crushed under that weight. The fact that I have to be left behind at times is difficult. For both of us. But money wouldn't be the cure all. She brings a functionality problem to the table as well. She's not good, in fact she's objectively bad, at sharing space with another person for indefinite periods. She was bad with her ex, who did not encumber her with the same monetary issues, and she's bad with me during even smaller doses. She gets irritable and lashes out, looks for things to lash out over, when "May's world" gets infringed upon. Then gets annoyed if you clam up or return the hostility. It's behavior that leads to a 100% divorce rate and I suspect is an emulation, of sorts, of what she grew up witnessing.
I, very poorly, broached this last year when she suggested that she would be a good girlfriend and all I could think of was what a harrowing experience living with her full time must be like. She's similar to Christine in that sense but in a different way. Christine was exhausting because you never knew when the next emotional meltdown would be, whereas May is not emotional at all but comes equipped with an indiscriminate mean streak. I feel so much tension being around her at times, sometimes after being at the apartment for no more than a day, that my chest tightens. I honestly don't know where to go or what to say or how to act. Touching her, unless she makes it overtly 120% clear that she wants to be touched, is out of the question. Which is how I know this was the mood of the living space when her ex lived with her. One of her primary complaints was that he stopped initiating sex with her and it drove her crazy. Sex with her is so bangin' I was like jesus, that dude must have some issues. But after being around long enough I realized I can't even initiate sex with her. She'll bark at you, or at the least she sets the precedent that that would be the response if you invade "her world" at the wrong time.
And you might think, oh Ryan you're doing something terribly wrong or insidious that you're not telling us. That every time she looks at you she is reminded of the time you cheated on her. It must be like that! No. I've lived with someone before and I can tell you it's not that fucking hard to not treat your partner like garbage and make them feel uncomfortable. The difficulty, I'd say the biggest misstep of living together, is that you get too used to seeing each other that you don't cherish the time that you do have. Don't forget to keep things fresh and interesting! The difficulty is not, or shouldn't be, UGH I'm stressed out and you're here. If someone you love and care about being around is an added stress you need therapy, and I don't mean that in a mean insulting way but in a real like hey it's OK to get help way, because all you're going to do is ruin your relationships. Being a "wet noodle" is what would drive her to cheat, her words, but honestly, there isn't much choice if you're trying to survive and navigate through her moods and episodes.
I don't think she's a bad person, at all, I think she's quite a good person, a great person, who has a catastrophic blindspot. Catastrophic regardless of whether we ever date or not. Because whether I am there or not the problem will persist and will affect anybody that comes into her life, despite how she rationalizes it to herself. But I can't do or say anything. I don't have any leverage to do so. I'd like to, because I think when she's on, or just normal, she's the fucking bomb and the potential exists.
If I solve my financial issues and she figures that out I think we'd be okay. Not perfect, nobody's perfect, but we'd be solid. We'd have the ability to raise a kid, even. I believe that. I really do. But only after. If there is an after.
In the meantime I'll continue the hustle. I can do this. And I will.
wasz, ryan
But I have time. I can't really get started until I have my own website set up anyway, because I need to be able to run Facebook ads as my primary source of marketing. And, as luck should have it, the website I was planning on setting up (normally $500 dollars) is doing a $350 off sale until the 28th, 2 days after my hearing when I'll be set up with the money I've been owed. I may need to borrow money until the check comes but how sweet is that? As long as I keep to the grindstone I should have an entire spreadsheet for NYC ready to go and a website with a functioning digital ads account to go with it.
Let me try not to get ahead of myself but I'm happy to see a plan beginning to come together.
There's a part of me still worrying about losing "my person", though. I don't want to put the negative energy out there but I hope she sticks around long enough to see the fruits of my hardwork and to take me seriously. She said it irks her when I tell her I love her now, which hurt a bit (and lessened the pleasure, for me at least, of our last hookup), but I don't think it's because she doesn't love me. I think she genuinely does. I just think the thought makes her deeply uncomfortable because, naturally, if you love someone and they love you back and the sex is as passionate as you've experienced the natural conclusion is to couple up with them. It's what any pair alive would do. But if you can't see functionality from a boyfriend/girlfriend perspective I can understand wanting to dismiss, smother, murder those emotions. And find someone else to make sure those feelings remain buried and forgotten.
Money, on my end, would solve most of those concerns inevitably. We'd be able to go out more often, to travel together, to not have to be crushed under that weight. The fact that I have to be left behind at times is difficult. For both of us. But money wouldn't be the cure all. She brings a functionality problem to the table as well. She's not good, in fact she's objectively bad, at sharing space with another person for indefinite periods. She was bad with her ex, who did not encumber her with the same monetary issues, and she's bad with me during even smaller doses. She gets irritable and lashes out, looks for things to lash out over, when "May's world" gets infringed upon. Then gets annoyed if you clam up or return the hostility. It's behavior that leads to a 100% divorce rate and I suspect is an emulation, of sorts, of what she grew up witnessing.
I, very poorly, broached this last year when she suggested that she would be a good girlfriend and all I could think of was what a harrowing experience living with her full time must be like. She's similar to Christine in that sense but in a different way. Christine was exhausting because you never knew when the next emotional meltdown would be, whereas May is not emotional at all but comes equipped with an indiscriminate mean streak. I feel so much tension being around her at times, sometimes after being at the apartment for no more than a day, that my chest tightens. I honestly don't know where to go or what to say or how to act. Touching her, unless she makes it overtly 120% clear that she wants to be touched, is out of the question. Which is how I know this was the mood of the living space when her ex lived with her. One of her primary complaints was that he stopped initiating sex with her and it drove her crazy. Sex with her is so bangin' I was like jesus, that dude must have some issues. But after being around long enough I realized I can't even initiate sex with her. She'll bark at you, or at the least she sets the precedent that that would be the response if you invade "her world" at the wrong time.
And you might think, oh Ryan you're doing something terribly wrong or insidious that you're not telling us. That every time she looks at you she is reminded of the time you cheated on her. It must be like that! No. I've lived with someone before and I can tell you it's not that fucking hard to not treat your partner like garbage and make them feel uncomfortable. The difficulty, I'd say the biggest misstep of living together, is that you get too used to seeing each other that you don't cherish the time that you do have. Don't forget to keep things fresh and interesting! The difficulty is not, or shouldn't be, UGH I'm stressed out and you're here. If someone you love and care about being around is an added stress you need therapy, and I don't mean that in a mean insulting way but in a real like hey it's OK to get help way, because all you're going to do is ruin your relationships. Being a "wet noodle" is what would drive her to cheat, her words, but honestly, there isn't much choice if you're trying to survive and navigate through her moods and episodes.
I don't think she's a bad person, at all, I think she's quite a good person, a great person, who has a catastrophic blindspot. Catastrophic regardless of whether we ever date or not. Because whether I am there or not the problem will persist and will affect anybody that comes into her life, despite how she rationalizes it to herself. But I can't do or say anything. I don't have any leverage to do so. I'd like to, because I think when she's on, or just normal, she's the fucking bomb and the potential exists.
If I solve my financial issues and she figures that out I think we'd be okay. Not perfect, nobody's perfect, but we'd be solid. We'd have the ability to raise a kid, even. I believe that. I really do. But only after. If there is an after.
In the meantime I'll continue the hustle. I can do this. And I will.
wasz, ryan