Hell's Resident's Thoughts
Title: Hell's Resident's Thoughts
Pairing: Sirius
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Don't own him...as much as I should.
Word Count: 883
Summary: What would you do if the world came crashing down around you, you were punished for life, but committed no crime, and lost the main thing you live for in one day? I used to think I'd die.
Notes: ANOTHER old old story from the depths of my ff.net account. Reposted for my nostalgic trip down memory lane.
What would you do if the world came crashing down around you, you were punished for life, but committed no crime, and lost the main thing you live for in one day? I used to think I'd die. Guess not. A month here's made me realize something in me won't accept everything's gone, changed.
James is dead. I can say it now. I still can't accept I've lost my brother, never will. Only in the harsh light of day can I believe it. Fortunately for me, I can fool myself - there's no daylight that can reach in here. My deception goes on with little trouble.
Sad isn't it, how we lie to ourselves to avoid pain? It just causes us more when the intricate web falls apart. I guess that's how so many go insane, whether here or free. You can't avoid the truth, nor the fragility of life. The only comfort I have that most in here do not is that I shouldn't be for the murder I was accused of.
Peter, I can't think about him. Filthy, lying, traitorous bastard. He should be rotting in here, not me. I didn't murder him, though I should have. I wish I could have, but then I would be in here for three murders, though two are not listed directly under my name. It's my fault Jamie and Lily are dead.
Gone.
They trusted me.
Deceased.
Because of me.
My best friends are dead because I couldn't trust myself to help them.
I placed them into the hands of their murder's _ and now They. Are. Dead.
I guess I should stop trying to rub it in.
A part of me needs to feel guilty though. I know I am innocent, but I cannot believe I would be placed in here for nothing. I need at least one reason.
I guess the fact my best mate and his wife are gone, and that my godson is an orphan whom I cannot care for because I'm in prison in place of the traitor who gave them up, who they only used as a secret keeper because I suggested they should is a good one.
God Harry, I never imagined any of this could happen. All because of some half-assed prophecy that no one has actually heard fully, well, 'cept for Albus. It's probably just that you'll be Minister of Magic after Voldemort's gone.
Not even to comfort myself can I believe that crap.
At least you're safe. Granted your foster house, not home, isn't heaven, but Dumbledore would not have put you there if it weren't.
Albus Dumbledore.
The man who smiled as James and I stunk up the castle with dungbombs; instigated a full scale seven year prank war with the Slytherins; saw past the wolf as we did to allow Remus a well deserved break in life, and let him into Hogwarts when no other professor would; and forgave me for the gravest error in my schooling years, when I put three lives in danger because of my stupid, foolish, pride.
Poor Remus. He suffers from this more than me probably. To be left completely alone in one night, lose all of your friends in different ways. Three murdered he thinks, then one put away for the crimes. Oh, Moony, if you'd only visit me here! I could tell you everything. How Pettigrew and I switched at the last moment. I didn't betray any of them!
But I know you'll never come.
These last years have worn down everyone. Soo many betrayals made it impossible to trust. We couldn't know who was a Death Eater and who was on our side. Bonds were broken, secrets and suspicions tore us apart. I thought you were the spy.
Now you know I am, but your heart knows I'm not.
I don't know how I thought it was you Moony. God! The kindest, wisest, trustworthy person I know. Maybe I thought that if Voldemort could control the wolf it might be worth it for you. If you could be normal. I should have known you would never betray your friends - even for your own freedom.
How none of us saw it was Pettigrew I will never understand.
I guess the main part is he's weak. A timid boy who worshiped James for his confidence, athletic talent, and charisma. We all saw he was attracted to power, but who would have thought that he would betray, and hand over James and Lily for a chance to be protected by another. Didn't we protect him? Didn't we help him? Didn't we...
No - I'm not wasting my time on that weak coward. There will be time for revenge when I escape. Oh yes, I will. Forget the fact it's never been done. No one became an illegal animagus for their best friend, who happened to be a werewolf, now did they?
Course not. As Remy used to say - get my mind set and you'll never break my will to do it.
But Remus isn't here to say that.
I am, but it's not the same.
I guess I should just stop thinking now. It hurts. I'll just go to sleep and pray my demons don't find my dreams. Oh what I wouldn't give for a bottle of dreamless sleep.
Pairing: Sirius
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Don't own him...as much as I should.
Word Count: 883
Summary: What would you do if the world came crashing down around you, you were punished for life, but committed no crime, and lost the main thing you live for in one day? I used to think I'd die.
Notes: ANOTHER old old story from the depths of my ff.net account. Reposted for my nostalgic trip down memory lane.
What would you do if the world came crashing down around you, you were punished for life, but committed no crime, and lost the main thing you live for in one day? I used to think I'd die. Guess not. A month here's made me realize something in me won't accept everything's gone, changed.
James is dead. I can say it now. I still can't accept I've lost my brother, never will. Only in the harsh light of day can I believe it. Fortunately for me, I can fool myself - there's no daylight that can reach in here. My deception goes on with little trouble.
Sad isn't it, how we lie to ourselves to avoid pain? It just causes us more when the intricate web falls apart. I guess that's how so many go insane, whether here or free. You can't avoid the truth, nor the fragility of life. The only comfort I have that most in here do not is that I shouldn't be for the murder I was accused of.
Peter, I can't think about him. Filthy, lying, traitorous bastard. He should be rotting in here, not me. I didn't murder him, though I should have. I wish I could have, but then I would be in here for three murders, though two are not listed directly under my name. It's my fault Jamie and Lily are dead.
Gone.
They trusted me.
Deceased.
Because of me.
My best friends are dead because I couldn't trust myself to help them.
I placed them into the hands of their murder's _ and now They. Are. Dead.
I guess I should stop trying to rub it in.
A part of me needs to feel guilty though. I know I am innocent, but I cannot believe I would be placed in here for nothing. I need at least one reason.
I guess the fact my best mate and his wife are gone, and that my godson is an orphan whom I cannot care for because I'm in prison in place of the traitor who gave them up, who they only used as a secret keeper because I suggested they should is a good one.
God Harry, I never imagined any of this could happen. All because of some half-assed prophecy that no one has actually heard fully, well, 'cept for Albus. It's probably just that you'll be Minister of Magic after Voldemort's gone.
Not even to comfort myself can I believe that crap.
At least you're safe. Granted your foster house, not home, isn't heaven, but Dumbledore would not have put you there if it weren't.
Albus Dumbledore.
The man who smiled as James and I stunk up the castle with dungbombs; instigated a full scale seven year prank war with the Slytherins; saw past the wolf as we did to allow Remus a well deserved break in life, and let him into Hogwarts when no other professor would; and forgave me for the gravest error in my schooling years, when I put three lives in danger because of my stupid, foolish, pride.
Poor Remus. He suffers from this more than me probably. To be left completely alone in one night, lose all of your friends in different ways. Three murdered he thinks, then one put away for the crimes. Oh, Moony, if you'd only visit me here! I could tell you everything. How Pettigrew and I switched at the last moment. I didn't betray any of them!
But I know you'll never come.
These last years have worn down everyone. Soo many betrayals made it impossible to trust. We couldn't know who was a Death Eater and who was on our side. Bonds were broken, secrets and suspicions tore us apart. I thought you were the spy.
Now you know I am, but your heart knows I'm not.
I don't know how I thought it was you Moony. God! The kindest, wisest, trustworthy person I know. Maybe I thought that if Voldemort could control the wolf it might be worth it for you. If you could be normal. I should have known you would never betray your friends - even for your own freedom.
How none of us saw it was Pettigrew I will never understand.
I guess the main part is he's weak. A timid boy who worshiped James for his confidence, athletic talent, and charisma. We all saw he was attracted to power, but who would have thought that he would betray, and hand over James and Lily for a chance to be protected by another. Didn't we protect him? Didn't we help him? Didn't we...
No - I'm not wasting my time on that weak coward. There will be time for revenge when I escape. Oh yes, I will. Forget the fact it's never been done. No one became an illegal animagus for their best friend, who happened to be a werewolf, now did they?
Course not. As Remy used to say - get my mind set and you'll never break my will to do it.
But Remus isn't here to say that.
I am, but it's not the same.
I guess I should just stop thinking now. It hurts. I'll just go to sleep and pray my demons don't find my dreams. Oh what I wouldn't give for a bottle of dreamless sleep.