(no subject)
I think school is killing my relationship. I have 30 hours of class a week plus another 5-10hrs of homework on top of that. My classes start at 8AM and usually don't finish until about 6PM. Usually with only an hour break for lunch, which means I am completely exhausted when I come home, and most of my free time is spent sleeping or doing homework. And lets face it, as much as I am in love with France, and as much as I would not trade this experience for anything, things here are very different than in the states. There are things I don't understand (like the entire French school system for one, which is pretty important considering a good number of my classes revolve around that subject...) and there are things I kindof understand, but am not quite sure about. Luckily enough the kids in my class are nice and explain things to me, but often I feel like a child...unable to do things myself. I feel stupid. I feel stupid and sometimes I feel rather alone. And Vitalik doesn't understand that. At some level he does, because when he came here 10 years ago he didn't speak a word of French, but he uses that as an excuse, and I don't really believe that he remembers what it's like. He thinks that speaking French is all that you need to be okay, and as much as I explain, it just doesn't sink in. I don't really hang out with people outside of class. Party because none of us have any time, and partly because I don't know how to ask them/feel extremely awkward in new social situations/everything is in French so I don't really know what do to or how to react. When I was with Knox I had a safety net. I knew that no matter what happened, I had other Americans and my school to fall back on. The French university system, as much as I love how cheap it is does nothing for it's students.
Sometimes I just feel very small. Not every day, and not even most days, but just enough to start having an impact on my life. And it's on those days, when I come back home I want just a little something extra in the way of my relationship. And when I say a little something extra, all I mean is a nice long hug (where he doesn't pat me on the back like a fucking child) and an understanding that maybe today is not a good day to get anxious about me not putting my plate in the sink after I ate breakfast 10 hours ago. I really don't think that's too much to ask. Is it? Please tell me, because if it is, I seriously have to get my priorities in order.
But instead (and I'm sorry in advance for how angry I'm about to get, but it has to be ranted about somewhere, and I'm definitely not going to tell him to his face), he does things like a fucking idiot. Sometimes I want to go up to him and tap on his head and say "helloooo? Is there anyone in there? Because I'll I'm hearing is an empty fucking hallway." I don't understand why he can't get it into his head that sometimes people get upset for different reasons? I'm on my period, hormones ablaze, no sunlight in days, I'm depressed. When I tell him this the response is "who gets depressed when there is no sunlight?" "I DO!" I yelled back at him, and I wanted to punch him in the face, in his stupid egotistical ugly sonofabitch face. "Well then you should move to the south of France. Byebye, pack your things, because if you can't deal with no sunlight you should leave now." WHO THE FUCK SAYS THAT TO SOMEONE WHO JUST TOLD YOU THEY'VE BEEN SAD FOR THE PAST COUPE DAYS (and btw, that you hadn't noticed). Yes thank you mister I-think-I-fucking-know-everything-in-the-whole-fucking-world. If the lack of sunlight for more than a couple of hours made me depressed, I'd move to a sunnier place, but the lack of sunlight coupled with my excessive workload, my period and my fucking boyfriend who couldn't give half a rats ass about something he doesn't understand combined make me depressed. The cloudy sky was just the straw that broke the camels back. Sometimes I want to punch some sense into him. Really, I do. But it's also true that if he doesn't understand something he immediately puts it down. And I understand that...no one can understand everything, I don't even understand everything he does, but I have consideration for other people's feelings, and maybe it's a sensation I don't understand, but I see the emotion they put into it so I know they're feeling something and I try to understand it a little more. But he just....I honestly do not know what goes on in that head of his. You don't like sunlight? Move to the south. So we argue and the situation escalates until I just simply stop talking all together. It's a defense I've had all my life. I hate arguing in general, and I know that, with a person like him, he's just going to keep going on and on if I keep talking, so I stop. I sit on the couch, do my homework, watch tv, check facebook. All without saying a word. For hours. Even when he talks to me, I've gone so far inside that I don't want to answer, that I can't answer. I hear the words he is saying but I don't understand them, and I can't bring myself even to make a grunt...not even a nod, because I fear that will start to argument again. Even though in the long run me staying silent is worse, because then he doesn't understand why I'm such a child. On the other hand however, I am completely on the same page as him. As all of this is happening, my silence and his questions, in my head I am literally telling myself to answer, to move my head, to look at him...ANYTHING, but I cannot physically do it. As much as I want to, I am incapacitated by God knows what self defense system I have running.
I think I need to see a therapist. When I was seeing one at Knox, we started to talk about this 'habit' of mine, but we didn't get very far before the school year was up. All I really understood was that I have absolutely no idea why I do what I do, but I have done it my entire life. I think it comes from the fact that I've never really felt I've lived up to people's expectations, even my own. I've always put others ideas/opinions/thoughts/feelings above my own because I don't feel valid enough to put myself at risk, because I know I'm going to be the first one shot down. I have left myself completely defenseless in a vicious circle, and if that is not one of the most depressing thoughts I've ever had, I don't know what is.
And then comes the part where I can't tell Vitalik any of this for the exact reasons I've mentioned above (both his ridiculous reactions to stupid things and the fact that I can't put myself on the line). I feel like other people do things independently, so I should be able to as well. I can't ask for help, even if I know I need it. It makes me feel more vulnerable. I want to be strong, I want to be confident, I want to be independent, but I can't put myself as risk, and when I do, I am none of those things, but the ideas stay in my head, so I refuse to ask for help. And the one time that I did feel confident enough to put my feelings of loneliness in a small letter on the bathroom mirror, hoping to at least get an "I'm sorry, I didn't understand what was going on. I will try to be more considerate." I got nothing. I thought he hadn't gotten my note because he literally did not mention it. When I brought it up he said "yeah I read it." nothing more. Because he doesn't understand, he doesn't get it. Which just reinforces that vicious circle.
I think thats pretty much all I have to say about that without repeating myself anymore than I already have. But I'm pretty sure you all now think my relationship is totally fucked up. Please don't worry, it's not as messed up as it seems. He loves me very much, and I him, and he always comes over and refuses to let me go to sleep knowing he has made me unhappy without making up for his error. Everyone has at least one giant fault in their personality. I don't care who you are, you have one (and it's best to figure out what it is so you can work on changing it). Vitalik's fault is that sometimes he's a fucking idiot, and mine is that I have the tendency to take everything upon myself to fix and then get upset when I can't change other people (see:above). Added stress does not help. Neither does the fact that in 2 weeks we're going to have to start looking for an apartment we can't afford because our landlord is selling our apartment. What joy.
Sometimes I just feel very small. Not every day, and not even most days, but just enough to start having an impact on my life. And it's on those days, when I come back home I want just a little something extra in the way of my relationship. And when I say a little something extra, all I mean is a nice long hug (where he doesn't pat me on the back like a fucking child) and an understanding that maybe today is not a good day to get anxious about me not putting my plate in the sink after I ate breakfast 10 hours ago. I really don't think that's too much to ask. Is it? Please tell me, because if it is, I seriously have to get my priorities in order.
But instead (and I'm sorry in advance for how angry I'm about to get, but it has to be ranted about somewhere, and I'm definitely not going to tell him to his face), he does things like a fucking idiot. Sometimes I want to go up to him and tap on his head and say "helloooo? Is there anyone in there? Because I'll I'm hearing is an empty fucking hallway." I don't understand why he can't get it into his head that sometimes people get upset for different reasons? I'm on my period, hormones ablaze, no sunlight in days, I'm depressed. When I tell him this the response is "who gets depressed when there is no sunlight?" "I DO!" I yelled back at him, and I wanted to punch him in the face, in his stupid egotistical ugly sonofabitch face. "Well then you should move to the south of France. Byebye, pack your things, because if you can't deal with no sunlight you should leave now." WHO THE FUCK SAYS THAT TO SOMEONE WHO JUST TOLD YOU THEY'VE BEEN SAD FOR THE PAST COUPE DAYS (and btw, that you hadn't noticed). Yes thank you mister I-think-I-fucking-know-everything-in-the-whole-fucking-world. If the lack of sunlight for more than a couple of hours made me depressed, I'd move to a sunnier place, but the lack of sunlight coupled with my excessive workload, my period and my fucking boyfriend who couldn't give half a rats ass about something he doesn't understand combined make me depressed. The cloudy sky was just the straw that broke the camels back. Sometimes I want to punch some sense into him. Really, I do. But it's also true that if he doesn't understand something he immediately puts it down. And I understand that...no one can understand everything, I don't even understand everything he does, but I have consideration for other people's feelings, and maybe it's a sensation I don't understand, but I see the emotion they put into it so I know they're feeling something and I try to understand it a little more. But he just....I honestly do not know what goes on in that head of his. You don't like sunlight? Move to the south. So we argue and the situation escalates until I just simply stop talking all together. It's a defense I've had all my life. I hate arguing in general, and I know that, with a person like him, he's just going to keep going on and on if I keep talking, so I stop. I sit on the couch, do my homework, watch tv, check facebook. All without saying a word. For hours. Even when he talks to me, I've gone so far inside that I don't want to answer, that I can't answer. I hear the words he is saying but I don't understand them, and I can't bring myself even to make a grunt...not even a nod, because I fear that will start to argument again. Even though in the long run me staying silent is worse, because then he doesn't understand why I'm such a child. On the other hand however, I am completely on the same page as him. As all of this is happening, my silence and his questions, in my head I am literally telling myself to answer, to move my head, to look at him...ANYTHING, but I cannot physically do it. As much as I want to, I am incapacitated by God knows what self defense system I have running.
I think I need to see a therapist. When I was seeing one at Knox, we started to talk about this 'habit' of mine, but we didn't get very far before the school year was up. All I really understood was that I have absolutely no idea why I do what I do, but I have done it my entire life. I think it comes from the fact that I've never really felt I've lived up to people's expectations, even my own. I've always put others ideas/opinions/thoughts/feelings above my own because I don't feel valid enough to put myself at risk, because I know I'm going to be the first one shot down. I have left myself completely defenseless in a vicious circle, and if that is not one of the most depressing thoughts I've ever had, I don't know what is.
And then comes the part where I can't tell Vitalik any of this for the exact reasons I've mentioned above (both his ridiculous reactions to stupid things and the fact that I can't put myself on the line). I feel like other people do things independently, so I should be able to as well. I can't ask for help, even if I know I need it. It makes me feel more vulnerable. I want to be strong, I want to be confident, I want to be independent, but I can't put myself as risk, and when I do, I am none of those things, but the ideas stay in my head, so I refuse to ask for help. And the one time that I did feel confident enough to put my feelings of loneliness in a small letter on the bathroom mirror, hoping to at least get an "I'm sorry, I didn't understand what was going on. I will try to be more considerate." I got nothing. I thought he hadn't gotten my note because he literally did not mention it. When I brought it up he said "yeah I read it." nothing more. Because he doesn't understand, he doesn't get it. Which just reinforces that vicious circle.
I think thats pretty much all I have to say about that without repeating myself anymore than I already have. But I'm pretty sure you all now think my relationship is totally fucked up. Please don't worry, it's not as messed up as it seems. He loves me very much, and I him, and he always comes over and refuses to let me go to sleep knowing he has made me unhappy without making up for his error. Everyone has at least one giant fault in their personality. I don't care who you are, you have one (and it's best to figure out what it is so you can work on changing it). Vitalik's fault is that sometimes he's a fucking idiot, and mine is that I have the tendency to take everything upon myself to fix and then get upset when I can't change other people (see:above). Added stress does not help. Neither does the fact that in 2 weeks we're going to have to start looking for an apartment we can't afford because our landlord is selling our apartment. What joy.