therapy, and mother
today i had a therapy session and sobbed like i haven't in ages. my therapist is very good.
i went in saying i wanted to talk about my anger. i'm angry at my mom about how she responded to the news of me & katy's impending nuptials, but i ultimately want to make up with her. "i need the tools to get from here to there," i said.
so we tried an exercise, wherein i talk to an empty chair, pretending mother is seated there, and then get up, seat myself there, and respond as if i were her. like tennis, except i am both players and the ball. "ok, i'll give it a spin."
i get into the moment. it's the same feeling as preparing to improvise a scene in acting class. thing is, once i'm into it, picturing her sitting there, i can't even look at the chair. i throw my glasses to the floor and start to cry. my therapist coaches me through it. "sob it all out," she coos.
at a lull in the storm she asks me how i'm feeling. i say through tears that i am scared. i'm terrified of what mom might say to me. i can't take anymore abuse, no more conversations that feel like blows to head.
so my therapist changes the rules. now i get to talk and mother can't talk; she has to just listen. i said a lot, most of which i naturally don't remember. it was helpful. what i ultimately got out of it was that i thought i was angry, and i was/am, but there was a lot of hurt and fear behind it.
after we were done, i had to throw a pillow into the chair to prove to myself she wasn't there. twice. i felt like i had called an apparition forth, and i shuddered to ward off the unwanted spirit. hugging a bear, i shifted my position away from the chair, and the therapist turned the offending piece of furniture away from me.
we process. i can't remember a lot of this either, except that anger is a secondary emotion, which i had heard before but this was a fuller explanation. also i got a couple of suggestions for how to start the conversation with mom.
i am definitely not ready to go home labor day weekend.
i went in saying i wanted to talk about my anger. i'm angry at my mom about how she responded to the news of me & katy's impending nuptials, but i ultimately want to make up with her. "i need the tools to get from here to there," i said.
so we tried an exercise, wherein i talk to an empty chair, pretending mother is seated there, and then get up, seat myself there, and respond as if i were her. like tennis, except i am both players and the ball. "ok, i'll give it a spin."
i get into the moment. it's the same feeling as preparing to improvise a scene in acting class. thing is, once i'm into it, picturing her sitting there, i can't even look at the chair. i throw my glasses to the floor and start to cry. my therapist coaches me through it. "sob it all out," she coos.
at a lull in the storm she asks me how i'm feeling. i say through tears that i am scared. i'm terrified of what mom might say to me. i can't take anymore abuse, no more conversations that feel like blows to head.
so my therapist changes the rules. now i get to talk and mother can't talk; she has to just listen. i said a lot, most of which i naturally don't remember. it was helpful. what i ultimately got out of it was that i thought i was angry, and i was/am, but there was a lot of hurt and fear behind it.
after we were done, i had to throw a pillow into the chair to prove to myself she wasn't there. twice. i felt like i had called an apparition forth, and i shuddered to ward off the unwanted spirit. hugging a bear, i shifted my position away from the chair, and the therapist turned the offending piece of furniture away from me.
we process. i can't remember a lot of this either, except that anger is a secondary emotion, which i had heard before but this was a fuller explanation. also i got a couple of suggestions for how to start the conversation with mom.
i am definitely not ready to go home labor day weekend.