kingdom hearts ii (third playthrough): rated e10+ for manhandling and homoeroticism

[fabula_vitae]

So on Sunday night I started a playthrough of Kingdom Hearts II, due to the fact that I hadn't done a full playthrough since February 2008 and my roommate and I needed something to entertain ourselves with. And now, in an insanely fast amount of time, I have just completed it. I think that's some kind of record for me beating a Kingdom Hearts game, considering I pretty much did it in five sittings (because I played every day except for Thursday night because I had to write a paper that night).

So yeah. It was my third playthrough, so I knew what to expect for everything and didn't have to use a walkthrough or anything (Kingdom Hearts I and II are pretty much the only games I don't need walkthroughs for, haha). I played on Proud Mode (which I had also done for my second playthrough), which actually isn't much more difficult than standard mode I think (idk, it's been like 4 years since I've played on standard mode). It makes me want to play Kingdom Hearts II: Final Mix+ just to try out Critical Mode (and to play the Sora vs. Roxas battle!), but alas I am too lazy to import it. But anyway. Predictably, the thing that gave me the most trouble was the Demyx fight, but the only reason it gave me a lot of trouble at first was because I was underleveled--I had gone to Hollow Bastion right when the storyline that involved the Demyx fight had become available, forgetting that it's better to complete the last two worlds before going back to Hollow Bastion. Once I realized that, I went and completed Halloween Town and the Pride Lands and then went back to fight Demyx, and then I beat him on my second try. Other than that, except for a few (usually cheap) deaths, I didn't struggle too much.

The highlight of this playthrough, though, was all the snarky comments that my roommate and I made throughout the playthrough. Of course, I just had to write down all of my favorite moments. Some of them require context, though, or were only funny because it was 2:00 in the morning and we were getting kind of overtired.

• The Running Gag of sad declarations: "I'm not real ;_;" "I have no heart ;_;" "I lost my boyfriend ;_;" "I lost my husband ;_;" "I have Geostigma ;_;" "I lost my flower ;_;" "I caught the emo ;_;"
• "It's Kingdom Hearts, don't question it" (our mantra whenever weird stuff happened)
• "WHAT-WHAT-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" (aka Axel is Kingdom Hearts's Sassy Gay Friend, or my general response when bosses used cheap moves)
• "What about all the ice cream we had together? And by ice cream, I mean sex."
• "We're best friends, right?" "If by friends, you mean butt buddies."
• "STOP MANHANDLING HIM RIKU" (leading to a Running Gag of yelling "MANHANDLING!" whenever someone grabbed someone else)
• "Roxas has five million boyfriends but no heart" (actually a comment I made on my roommate's Facebook, but it sums up most of our prologue snark nicely)
• "Let's stick together for one more journey... TO RIKU'S PANTS!"
• "I just can't take Sora seriously when he's wearing those shorts"
• The Running Gag of referring to Aerith as "Zombie"
• "AND THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T TAKE AWAY PING'S POTIONS"
• "SORRY, SORA, YOUR SERVANTS ARE IN ANOTHER CASTLE"
• "YOUR PAIN SHALL BE TWOFOLD!" (which became a Running Gag whenever Auron appeared, or when a lot of destruction was nigh)
• "I think the sheer badassery of Auron and Mickey being in the same place is enough for the universe to explode"
• "DONALD WANTS TO KILL HITLER!"
• "Did Daisy just grab Donald's ass?" "At least she's wearing pants."
• "How does Ariel even have sex with Eric?" "Yeah, where are her lady parts?" "Forget lady parts, how does she even use the bathroom?"
• "Donald's singing! DONALD'S SINGING!"
• "SORA APPROVES OF POOH/PIGLET"
• "Barbossa looks like Achmed the Dead Terrorist"
• "This game should be rated E10+ for manhandling and homoeroticism"
• "Who stuffs puppies in chests anyway?" "It was probably Axel."
• "THESE CRYSTALS SPARKLE IN THE LIGHT JUST LIKE EDWARD CULLEN"
• "Maybe if Cloud ate more ice cream he wouldn't be so emo all the time"
• "HE'S PROBABLY GOING TO GOOGLE RIKU'S NAME AND ALL THIS SORA/RIKU PORN WILL COME UP"
• "You don't know me!" "I'M A BLOODY ROCK GOD!"
• "RIKU'S LIKE, 'YOU'VE BEEN A VERY NAUGHTY BOY, NOW SIT ON MY LAP AND GIVE ME A LAPDANCE!'"
• "I laugh in the face of danger. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" (note: the laughter is done in the style of Final Fantasy X's infamous laughing scene)
• "Male lions are like Roxas. Everybody wants them."
• "NO, GOOFY! WHO ELSE WILL I HAVE ICE CREAM WITH?"
• "If you take 'ice cream' as a metaphor for sex, then what does Donald mean when he says 'I'm sorry about the ice cream?'"
• "IT'S ZOMBIE GOOFY!"
• "STOP COCKBLOCKING THE BEAST"
• "I'M XALDIN. MY HAIR HAS MORE PERSONALITY THAN I DO."
• "Four for you, Belle! You go Belle! ... And none for Xaldin." (Followed later with "Four for you, Donald! You go Donald!" when Donald healed me during the Xigbar fight when I was out of items and MP and had low HP)
• "Tonight the part of Hercules will be played by Eeyore"
• "He's only imagining himself dancing with Kairi because he knows Riku can't dance"
• "He's like the lion form of Cloud." "RAWR I WILL DEFEAT SEPHIROTH ON MY OWN!"
• "Hollow Bastion isn't such a dreadful name. Now, if it were called Crackwhore Alley..."
• "WE SHOULD JUST TAKE ARIEL BACK WITH US IN A FISHBOWL"
• "MY GUMMI SHIP IS BLACK LIKE CLOUD'S SOUL"
• "RIKU HAVE YOU BEEN TANNING?"
• "EW LET GO YOU HAVE BOOBS"
• "GUYS? I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE?" "SHUT UP KAIRI, WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A MOMENT!"
• "Imagine if Ansem the Wise had Tidus's voice: 'BUT I WANT EVERYTHING!' 'I NEED FOOOOD!'"
• "THE POWER OF YAOI LOVE!"
• "Tidus will just pop out of the water and be all 'BLITZBALL?!'"

And, because there isn't much left to say, have some of the standard game completion stuff.

Favorite character (story): Axel (even though I like him better in Chain of Memories and 358/2 Days) and Mickey I guess. A lot of my other favorite characters in the series, such as Xigbar, Roxas, and Riku could count, I guess, but since I like them better in other games I won't say them.
Favorite character (gameplay): Well, there's really no other choice but Sora, considering the only other character you can play as is Roxas and that's just during the first three hours when he can't do anything cool anyway. Unless you count the brief period of time in the final boss fight when you have to control Riku to rescue Sora, but really all you can do with him is run forward and spam Dark Firaga.
Favorite location: Twilight Town, Hollow Bastion/Radiant Garden, The World That Never Was. And if I want to add a Disney world to the list, the Pride Lands.
Favorite method of totally annihilating enemies: "YOUR PAIN SHALL BE TWOFOLD!" Limits were good early in the game, but I didn't use them as much once I had to start conserving my MP so I could heal all the time. Drive Forms were always handy for finishing off big annoying enemies, like those purple fuckers in Space Paranoids.
Character with the best lines: I could put so many characters here just because the script is so easily mockable. I really can't choose. Special mention, however, has to go to Seifer ("That was undeniable proof that we totally owned you lamers"), Auron ("YOUR PAIN SHALL BE TWOFOLD!"), and Saïx ("ALL SHALL BE LOST TO YOU!!!").
Favorite music: "Roxas," "Riku," "Organization XIII," "Reviving Hollow Bastion" (because every version of the Hollow Bastion theme is awesome). Most of the boss battle themes and the gummi ship themes are awesome too.
Level I finished the game: Well, my last save for this playthrough I was at level 51 or something, but I did the final battles using a file from my other Proud Mode playthrough, on which I had Ultima Weapon and all the drive forms mastered and was level 83 I think. I'll just go with level 51, though, because that's what level I had worked myself up to be.

Next I think my roommate are going to do a playthrough of Final Fantasy X, which is prime snark bait (even though it's one of my favorite Final Fantasy games). I mock because I care, though :D