(no subject)
this is a seriously moany entry. i warn you to skip it.
i'm pretty bummed out these days. for more than the reasons you think. i have zero energy, zilch. i manage to make it to work and for hospital visits, but other than that, my stack of laundry is piling up and so are naomi's things as slowly her necessary possesions( and some not so) are making their way over here. i need, badly, to get sorting through the tonnes of crap i have been packratting away in my home(s) since i left home 11 years ago. this enormous lack of energy has slowly been consuming me since last spring. and my stomach has been expanding slowly at first, but now faster than i can even believe. i have one pair of jeans that fit me and look decent at this point and i have an incredibly hard time leaving my house without my hoodie on. looking in the mirror is enough to bring the tears. i need to buy some new clothes, but that also is upsetting because i have so many other things in my closet that just plain ol' don't fit me anymore and i want them to.
exercise. i can hardly make it up my stairs without feeling like a lung might collapse. i smoke alot, and these days more than before. i don't want to go outside because it's getting too warm for a hoodie and my tshirts are getting too small and i am ashamed of myself for letting it get to this point. it's disgusting. the thought of a gym brings on waves of anxiety. i've been to a gym before, and it is so embarrassing. seriously. besides, i have nothing i could wear! bike riding? as long as there are no inclines. i'm just so tired. doing laundry in the basment three levels down is about as much excercise as i can handle.
i guess i should maybe just start out with a diet change. eat more rice, less instant crap. i find it quite difficult to cook a meal for myself and almost always opt for something ready to go. i dunno.
what i would really like more than anything, is to quit my job, and spend the summer at a cabin on a lake in the woods somewhere and just read and walk around. chop some wood, maybe garden a little. build a shed, chill out in a hammock, swim, fish. get away from the city. have friends come visit on weekends, smoke some pot and figure some shit out.
i also am finding that going to the bar is getting a bit tired. i drink too much so i don't feel so awkward, and then make awkward conversations with people i don't know very well. i miss my old friends. i miss laughing with Kelly. i miss sitting on the beach at night. i miss having fun.
anyway, sorry if you decided to read this. i did warn you.
i'm pretty bummed out these days. for more than the reasons you think. i have zero energy, zilch. i manage to make it to work and for hospital visits, but other than that, my stack of laundry is piling up and so are naomi's things as slowly her necessary possesions( and some not so) are making their way over here. i need, badly, to get sorting through the tonnes of crap i have been packratting away in my home(s) since i left home 11 years ago. this enormous lack of energy has slowly been consuming me since last spring. and my stomach has been expanding slowly at first, but now faster than i can even believe. i have one pair of jeans that fit me and look decent at this point and i have an incredibly hard time leaving my house without my hoodie on. looking in the mirror is enough to bring the tears. i need to buy some new clothes, but that also is upsetting because i have so many other things in my closet that just plain ol' don't fit me anymore and i want them to.
exercise. i can hardly make it up my stairs without feeling like a lung might collapse. i smoke alot, and these days more than before. i don't want to go outside because it's getting too warm for a hoodie and my tshirts are getting too small and i am ashamed of myself for letting it get to this point. it's disgusting. the thought of a gym brings on waves of anxiety. i've been to a gym before, and it is so embarrassing. seriously. besides, i have nothing i could wear! bike riding? as long as there are no inclines. i'm just so tired. doing laundry in the basment three levels down is about as much excercise as i can handle.
i guess i should maybe just start out with a diet change. eat more rice, less instant crap. i find it quite difficult to cook a meal for myself and almost always opt for something ready to go. i dunno.
what i would really like more than anything, is to quit my job, and spend the summer at a cabin on a lake in the woods somewhere and just read and walk around. chop some wood, maybe garden a little. build a shed, chill out in a hammock, swim, fish. get away from the city. have friends come visit on weekends, smoke some pot and figure some shit out.
i also am finding that going to the bar is getting a bit tired. i drink too much so i don't feel so awkward, and then make awkward conversations with people i don't know very well. i miss my old friends. i miss laughing with Kelly. i miss sitting on the beach at night. i miss having fun.
anyway, sorry if you decided to read this. i did warn you.