#50. alternate - soundless; kyuhyun/heechul.
He presses his hands to his eyes, a darkness fading to nothing but light beneath his eyes, in his mind. He presses, and presses, until red spots bloom up from under closed eyelids, but already it's too late; he's crying.
He's where they were once, once upon a time when members were too noisy and too nosey and so easy to intrude (so really, it was more than once), hiding in the corner of his own closet, the one that he would hardly let anyone go near on normal circumstances.
He remembers where Kyuhyun sat, grinning slyly even as loads of clothes flocked him from all sides but one, while he stood admiring outside the double-doored closet for one of those rare moments, before climbing in next to the younger.
First silly and playful, as they hid like exploring kids all over again with nothing on their minds except for laughter, turned into friendly and exploring but in a way completely different.
Heechul laughs at the memory, but it comes out strangled, and he laughs again at his laughter, but he's really laughing at how stupid he was. He grabs a shirt that's next to the spot where he's sitting, Kyuhyun's spot, and blows his nose into it.
Realizing what he's done, he mutters, "Damn," (even though he doesn't really care at this point) even though what he's really thinking is,
I'm so lost without you.
and directing it at the boy that he had pushed away so readily.
------
"I think we should stop whatever this is we have here," Heechul said from where he was located in front of the computer. It's one of those rare times, when they could just sit around doing whatever and enjoy the other's company. The words pierce the air though, like sirens in the night.
Kyuhyun, who was practicing Chinese on the couch with a dictionary in hand (but he was actually looking at Heechul and thinking that those long fingers would be perfect for video gaming), raises an eyebrow.
"Are you serious?" he responds, and the smile on his face is frozen.
Heechul's gaze at the computer doesn't waver and he tries so hard to keep his voice from shaking, but he's been secretly practicing so it doesn't when he says, "Why would I joke about this? It's been fun but I don't think we match well together."
"It's been fun...?" and Heechul can hear the dark undertones of the simple question. He makes the mistake of pulling his attention from the computer (even though he was staring at nothing, anyways), and sees how Kyuhyun's eyes get darker with each passing second, until brown eyes that he admired (ever so secretly) dulled to black.
This time, the smile he's had prepared does hesitate. Not for too long though, he makes sure, before he blows a kiss in Kyuhyun's direction. A wink and, "Don't you think it's been fun?"
All he gets for an answer is Kyuhyun calmly closing his dictionary and setting it down near the edge of the glass table. All he gets as a reply is Kyuhyun's footsteps as the other walks towards the door.
Hand on the doorknob, all Heechul gets is a question that he can't give an answer to (at least one that he can say aloud), before Kyuhyun's out the door and so far gone.
"What's the real reason?"
Because, I love you.
------
Kyuhyun presses his forehead to Heechul's door, his arm falling to his side as he listens hard to Heechul's sobs when he thinks no one else is home.
It's times like these, when he wishes that he were able to drink, drink his sorrows away as night morphed into day under blurred lights. He gets none of it though, having to stick with reality without the cover of being able to get away with words that would ruin.
Can't you see, I'm lost without you?
Even when he knows no one could see, could tell - because no matter how you look at it; he's still the youngest, still charming and witty and Kyuhyun, just like Heechul is still acting like he owns the place, still proud and fun and Heechul - he's lost.
------
Humanity, keeping us all sane and unique. Patience, keeping us all bearable and breathing. Reason, keeping us all mysterious and unexplainable. Fear, keeping us all real and alive. Love, keeping us all hopeful and bright.
Even as it tears us apart.
a happy ending, but only if you want.