I like it, very much. The first two stanzae seem like they could be sincere. Your tone is too gentle to be sarcastic. The tone changes too abruptly in the first line of the third stanza. Swearing, especially when addressing children, is often difficult to make poetic. Still, it does make the point of the poem clearer, and the last stanza has more of the ironic tone you probably want throughout the poem. The turn in the last two lines works. Perhaps split those into their own end stanza? Separating them from the rest of the insincerity might make them stand out as contrast.
Also, your professor is probably too much in love with ts eliot and therefore refuses to recognize the need for punctuation. If your phrasing were broken, or if you wanted to make the reader rush through the poem, it would make sense to eliminate punctuation stylistically. When you use complete sentences and complete thoughts, you use punctuation.
Overall, I like this. It is very different from what I've seen you write (on mirrors and such), and I do like the subtlety, even if it is misleading to the end result.
Good luck with it. Make sure to post or e-mail me with the finished product.
The tone changes too abruptly in the first line of the third stanza. Swearing, especially when addressing children, is often difficult to make poetic.
The over-the-top change of tone is supposed to mimic the change of tone that we/society/media/the machine take with people just before their teen years. And swearing (from a kid's perspective) is a token of the transition from being "just a kid" to "preparing to be an adult", as is its attendant crassness.
My prof's beatnik-y, and is, in general, of the mind that capitals and punctuation are for structured/formal poems. He also has a vendetta against commas :)
This actually differs from the final formatting, but I was too lazy to render it to HTML. In the formatted version, the last two lines are offset and slightly larger than the rest of the text.
I like it, very much. The first two stanzae seem like they could be sincere. Your tone is too gentle to be sarcastic. The tone changes too abruptly in the first line of the third stanza. Swearing, especially when addressing children, is often difficult to make poetic. Still, it does make the point of the poem clearer, and the last stanza has more of the ironic tone you probably want throughout the poem. The turn in the last two lines works. Perhaps split those into their own end stanza? Separating them from the rest of the insincerity might make them stand out as contrast.
Also, your professor is probably too much in love with ts eliot and therefore refuses to recognize the need for punctuation. If your phrasing were broken, or if you wanted to make the reader rush through the poem, it would make sense to eliminate punctuation stylistically. When you use complete sentences and complete thoughts, you use punctuation.
Overall, I like this. It is very different from what I've seen you write (on mirrors and such), and I do like the subtlety, even if it is misleading to the end result.
Good luck with it. Make sure to post or e-mail me with the finished product.
Reply
The over-the-top change of tone is supposed to mimic the change of tone that we/society/media/the machine take with people just before their teen years. And swearing (from a kid's perspective) is a token of the transition from being "just a kid" to "preparing to be an adult", as is its attendant crassness.
My prof's beatnik-y, and is, in general, of the mind that capitals and punctuation are for structured/formal poems. He also has a vendetta against commas :)
This actually differs from the final formatting, but I was too lazy to render it to HTML. In the formatted version, the last two lines are offset and slightly larger than the rest of the text.
Reply
Here's the proper formatting
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