Apr 20, 2013 19:07
What's up with LJ, I can't go back in my friends page. I do not have the energy to figure it out.
Medication: The Lexapro is working great, I never have those mornings where I wake up and feel like I'm in a grey nightmare, even when it's grey nightmare weather outside. It snowed a few weeks ago, not in seattle but about 10 mins away, it hasn't gotten any warmer, so i'm glad that I spent the 3k to go to hawaii and soak up some sun. It's kept me going, along with the lexapro. It's like having a dull headache for years, and all of a sudden the dull headache is gone. You don't recognize how the dull headache affected you really, til it's gone.
Gambling: My love affair with slot machines is still hot and heavy but i've acquired discipline, and I continue to enjoy the slots because it's taught me a great deal about my immaturity and impulse control issues. Lost money but made most of it back luckily, and now i'm just treading water making sure I never go below a certain amount. I've been planning to go to a therapist for a long time to try and deal with my slacker issues, lack of motivation, lack of discipline, but because i enjoy slots (motivation) so much i've finally been forced to deal with these issues (acquiring discipline) or I can't gamble any more. Oh god, last week, one gal, lovely and dressed in bohemian chic, someone who struck me as lively and engaged in life, etc, was frowning, standing in front of a bank of slots, gently skimming the screen with her fingertips as she hit the button. I noticed a 400$ win on one machine, a 200$ win on the next, and so on, and I said, "Did you win all this!?" "Yes, but I put 700$ into the one you're on now, and 500$ in the next, and 700$ in that one, i'm 4,500$ down." Oh my god!!! She was making the classic, super easy gamblers mistakes. Her clothes werent' that great, I know she didn't have 4,500$ to play away like that! I've read a lot about it, and used my own experience, it's been as fascinating to me as knitting and quilting was. I've never dealt with anything bad before, like drugs or alcohol or food, something that pulls at you even when you know it's so bad, even when you know it's prognosis, what gazillions of others have been through. Last couple of weeks I won 900$ on 5$, and 442$ on .80$, but because it's devil's money I d
o not use it for daily needs, we just sit on it to gamble with on weekends, pay for drinks, our goal is to just keep playing. Sounds cheesy but, we love it right now. Soon we will tire of it, as you tire of everything, unless you're one of the 5% that gets gripped by it in an addiction.
School: I gave up, I still took the third and final quarter of the Computer Forensics class, but skipped on the legal class that went with it which gives you a certificate. No certificate for me, I am so not interested in computers. I won't give up on this computer thing, I don't think you're suppose to give up, even when you feel like it. I originally did this computer thing with a hope and a dream to make some decent money, and find a career, and you are not suppose to give up. I think. So I won't. That's what my gut instinct tells me. My other gut instinct tells me I love art, and I should go back to jewelry. But I left jewelry for a reason, and that gut instinct might just be another fluttering of hope and dreams not based on reality. What'evs, i'm fucking tired, i'm just going to get through this class, work, and chill for awhile. I think that living a happy life is all that matters, and I have it right now, nobody can be as lucky as I am and I intend to enjoy it.
Food:
Lost so much weight, but in a bad way, with no exercise and poor nutrition. Loss of appetite makes eating a chore. Today I ate a chocolate croissant, a strawberry croissant, and a vegetarian panini, because I was literally weak from my poor eating habits. Those were the only things available for me to eat within two blocks, from the japanese french bakery, and the coffee shop, excellent. I vow to get back to baking and cooking, the plan is to cook at minimum once a week, but to make enough of two dishes to freeze. I'm going to freeze rice, and freeze bread, it doesn't take much to eat well, it's just time that is the main difficult ingredient. Even the twenty mins to make rice, or to make sure you have fresh bread, is a killer. Todays outside meal was good, but that is rare, eating out is disgusting. I've gotten food poisoning more in my recent non-cooking phase than in the past 10 cooking years.
Mario:
He has changed, he is cooking, shopping, and cleaning. The house got into such a state, and my weight was coming off so fast, that he finally noticed. I can see the deer-in-the headlights look in his eyes, and dawning insight into the horrors of housekeeping. How it never ends, how much effort somehting so simple seems to take. He has to come home from work, and cook or I don't eat and HE doesn't eat either. It's a new thing for him, to see that something doesn't get fixed by me. There is a level of decency that some people won't get below, and for me to let it get to this point is spooky to him. His substrate is yanked away. After a few months of this messy home and no food, he just started to do stuff. Like grocery shop, cook, take responsibility for the kitchen entirely, make a smoothie for me. I clean the upstairs and do the laundry. He's also paying for everything. We had an argument where he said something so childish and shirking of his responsibilities as a man in this world, and I said okay, than you take care of everything that you would have as if I weren't here. The rent, the parking, the housekeeping costs like food and toilet paper, phone, electricity, car payment. He can't handle it, I have to "loan" him hundreds a month. If I died tomorrow, he couldn't afford to keep himself. But to give him credit he understands what I was complaining about in the past, that housework is real work, and he has never paid much attention to keeping me financially secure as a husband to a wife. Being a husband is work, it's not a luxury. Being a wife is a luxury for me right now, tee hee hee.
Work:
Great job, I love it. So many are hating it right now because of the cuts that recession has caused, but I don't understand it at all, even on a busy day, this job has so much going for it.
Book:
Reading, and loving, Stephen Kings Gunslinger series. Nothing like what I thought it was going to be.
TV:
Game of Thrones is boring right now, but I hear it's going to get bloody. Can't stand the red-head livin-in-the-snowy-region girl, obsessed with the beauty of the dragon princess, Jaimie creeps me out, the little girl princess' adventures are fun and interesting. I wonder if "the man" will come back. The Dwarf doesn't fail to impress with his cleverness.
"Lost Girl" is still so much fun to watch. She is eye-candy, I don't know why they do such a good job of hiding her true hour-glass shape, that is such a rarity nowadays. Unbelievable body. They had her in a tshirt and longish jean shorts one episode where she is a camp counselor, and that dowdy outfit managed to be a blank template to how the rest of the world is mostly different than her. Meaning, she filled out those jean shorts, and that tshirt in a way i've never seen on a female before. Usually they have her in some kick-ass outfit, and they never really linger on her full figure, which is strange beause when they do she is outrageously, thin, but hourglass.
Anyway...Nobody else is posting, whatsup. OMG what happened to the post button? Lj is so diff now...