(no subject)
My mantra in the Birthday (astrology) book is Even a rabbit can twist an ankle. I know how true this is and exactly what it means. I can run on and on thinking things are one way, that people mean some thing, that everything's going in one direction, and the rabbit doesn't look down until it's too late. I run too fast, and then before I realize it I'm in this hole falling dangerously deep. The shitty part is that I'm not simply oblivious, selfish, or naive. I think about things consciously, it's just that somehow I can't think up the big picture until I've already tripped. Even when I try, sometimes. I have to learn every single thing the hard way.
So this weekend has had a lot of ups and downs with anxiety [in proportion with the number of weeks up until now that were relatively anxiety-free--it always works in cycles]. Ashamed to say, this is probably the first time I've had to deal with money issues for any extended period of time. And it's only been two weeks. But it sucks only ever having a few dollars at a time, having to go to my parents' place and work whenever I need money (and even then not getting enough, especially since it was these two weeks when I happened to lose a total of $80 because of other people's weed). And I should've known that three weeks of reading for a five week class would fuck me over when the 5-essay takehome midterm is due.
Things are looking up, also, which is great. This entire spring and summer has been fucking rad, far more decent than I'm used to. I'm doing new things, learning a lot, etcc etcc. Apparently I'm dating someone, although the two days since that's happened have been the two days I've hung out with him least since I got back from California. I'm not sure exactly what I want. But three words keep repeating themselves over and over again in my head... you're so cool, you're so cool, you're so cool. The bastard makes me happy. I haven't written in my journal since California but yesterday I wrote just two names. I was having a shitty day and Galen called just to make sure I was ok and Kyle texted me about Dostoevsky and they were just, like, the day's angels. Kyle and I have been talking more and more (albeit through text) lately than we did in the first two months since he left town. It's nice. He called today, I had this experience of actively trying to recognize the voice I was hearing. It's been two months since I've heard his voice and I hardly ever talked to that kid on the phone, it was difficult at first to hear the dude I know. Just felt like a funny thing to be thinking about. Joe finally texted me the other day, "is it wrong for me to hope that someday we can be friends again?" I said you know I can't hate someone who smokes weed and listens to Bob Dylan. It's ok what happened. This is life, it's full of mistakes and fuckups. Sarah's hot, shit I'd have hit it too. He called the other night, it was like 2am I was driving back to the house with some people and we talked for about fifteen minutes. He was lost in Portland trying to find his way back to the house he was staying at. It's funny that he can tell me that after the Earth First convergence he's going to Arcada and I can say "Oh, that's rad!" and mean it. I guess that's a form of maturity between us, or understanding at least.
All right, I've procrastinated these papers enough for now.
I. Wizards (1977) is a spectacular movie and probably now one of my favorites. If you like intense political over- and under-tones, fantasy, and/or want to see the battle of Magic vs. Technology, watch it. It's a "kids" film that has a jazzy score, uses Nazi propaganda films, and has Luddite themes. \m/
II. "In a now-legendary work of social science, the Harvard scholar Barrington Moore, Jr., studied the pathways to democracy and dictatorship around the world and presented his central conclusion in four words: 'No bourgeoisie, no democracy.'" There's always a third option, if you want it.
I never wanted to be better than my friends
I just wanted to prove wrong the people in my head
the ones who told me I'd be better off dead
the ones who told me that I would never win
So this weekend has had a lot of ups and downs with anxiety [in proportion with the number of weeks up until now that were relatively anxiety-free--it always works in cycles]. Ashamed to say, this is probably the first time I've had to deal with money issues for any extended period of time. And it's only been two weeks. But it sucks only ever having a few dollars at a time, having to go to my parents' place and work whenever I need money (and even then not getting enough, especially since it was these two weeks when I happened to lose a total of $80 because of other people's weed). And I should've known that three weeks of reading for a five week class would fuck me over when the 5-essay takehome midterm is due.
Things are looking up, also, which is great. This entire spring and summer has been fucking rad, far more decent than I'm used to. I'm doing new things, learning a lot, etcc etcc. Apparently I'm dating someone, although the two days since that's happened have been the two days I've hung out with him least since I got back from California. I'm not sure exactly what I want. But three words keep repeating themselves over and over again in my head... you're so cool, you're so cool, you're so cool. The bastard makes me happy. I haven't written in my journal since California but yesterday I wrote just two names. I was having a shitty day and Galen called just to make sure I was ok and Kyle texted me about Dostoevsky and they were just, like, the day's angels. Kyle and I have been talking more and more (albeit through text) lately than we did in the first two months since he left town. It's nice. He called today, I had this experience of actively trying to recognize the voice I was hearing. It's been two months since I've heard his voice and I hardly ever talked to that kid on the phone, it was difficult at first to hear the dude I know. Just felt like a funny thing to be thinking about. Joe finally texted me the other day, "is it wrong for me to hope that someday we can be friends again?" I said you know I can't hate someone who smokes weed and listens to Bob Dylan. It's ok what happened. This is life, it's full of mistakes and fuckups. Sarah's hot, shit I'd have hit it too. He called the other night, it was like 2am I was driving back to the house with some people and we talked for about fifteen minutes. He was lost in Portland trying to find his way back to the house he was staying at. It's funny that he can tell me that after the Earth First convergence he's going to Arcada and I can say "Oh, that's rad!" and mean it. I guess that's a form of maturity between us, or understanding at least.
All right, I've procrastinated these papers enough for now.
I. Wizards (1977) is a spectacular movie and probably now one of my favorites. If you like intense political over- and under-tones, fantasy, and/or want to see the battle of Magic vs. Technology, watch it. It's a "kids" film that has a jazzy score, uses Nazi propaganda films, and has Luddite themes. \m/
II. "In a now-legendary work of social science, the Harvard scholar Barrington Moore, Jr., studied the pathways to democracy and dictatorship around the world and presented his central conclusion in four words: 'No bourgeoisie, no democracy.'" There's always a third option, if you want it.
I never wanted to be better than my friends
I just wanted to prove wrong the people in my head
the ones who told me I'd be better off dead
the ones who told me that I would never win