(no subject)
Last weekend was cool... dive meet, jazz club, wine festival, panhandling, hot asian. How could it have gotten any better? I failed a dive at the meet and still ended up qualifying for NCS. I hate my life.
Diving has been making me super duper blue lately. Whereas most divers would be happy about qualifying for NCS, I just wish I could suck. But it's too late now. I'm stuck in dive mode for an extra week or two. yay? Jeanette lectures me about how the team "needs" me and blah blah... except whenever I'm at practice, I'm in a sour mood and bringing people down with me. How is that beneficial to the team? Unless she wants a depressed team, I don't think I'm much of an asset besides the fact that I win some points ocassioanlly. Oh, and I have my mom giving me the whole guilt trip deal about giving up too easily. Happiness... giving up would have made me happy. I would not have regretted it. I always get stressed out during the end of dive season. Maybe I will make myself just not care. Maybe I will not make any cuts at NCS... but that's not possible. I wish I could half-ass things, but I won't allow myself.
I've decided that I despise super flirtacious girls. Girls who have a new love interest every three days. Giggling about a new boy day after day. The ones who flirt with boys just to flirt; they don't even like the boys, but they'll lead them on just for the attention and the sport. Then they cry, heart broken that one of their many boys isn't completely in love with her. So easily run on silly unstable emotions and dependent on other people's reactions. I just don't understand that lifestyle. I cannot relate. How does nothing mean anything but everything at the same time for them? Why can't they see the plain truth of reality and just accept it.
I can't wait for it to be summer. Waking up to the bright sun in my window. Dreaming of adventuring through the hills. Camping and revealing secrets to the ones that mean something special. Spontaneous trips to beaches. Reading for myself, writing for myself, living for myself. No plans, no time restrictions, no emotional restrictions, no need to be serious, no need to be silly. Freedom. COmplete bliss. Freedom.
Diving has been making me super duper blue lately. Whereas most divers would be happy about qualifying for NCS, I just wish I could suck. But it's too late now. I'm stuck in dive mode for an extra week or two. yay? Jeanette lectures me about how the team "needs" me and blah blah... except whenever I'm at practice, I'm in a sour mood and bringing people down with me. How is that beneficial to the team? Unless she wants a depressed team, I don't think I'm much of an asset besides the fact that I win some points ocassioanlly. Oh, and I have my mom giving me the whole guilt trip deal about giving up too easily. Happiness... giving up would have made me happy. I would not have regretted it. I always get stressed out during the end of dive season. Maybe I will make myself just not care. Maybe I will not make any cuts at NCS... but that's not possible. I wish I could half-ass things, but I won't allow myself.
I've decided that I despise super flirtacious girls. Girls who have a new love interest every three days. Giggling about a new boy day after day. The ones who flirt with boys just to flirt; they don't even like the boys, but they'll lead them on just for the attention and the sport. Then they cry, heart broken that one of their many boys isn't completely in love with her. So easily run on silly unstable emotions and dependent on other people's reactions. I just don't understand that lifestyle. I cannot relate. How does nothing mean anything but everything at the same time for them? Why can't they see the plain truth of reality and just accept it.
I can't wait for it to be summer. Waking up to the bright sun in my window. Dreaming of adventuring through the hills. Camping and revealing secrets to the ones that mean something special. Spontaneous trips to beaches. Reading for myself, writing for myself, living for myself. No plans, no time restrictions, no emotional restrictions, no need to be serious, no need to be silly. Freedom. COmplete bliss. Freedom.