damn me
Life lately has been pretty freakin sweet. I have missed diving so much and I love the new team. I miss Tyler though because he was the only person that could motivate me to work super hard. Everybody else that has been going has been really lethargic about diving and taking their sweet ass times doing whatever dive they're doing. Night practices have been frustrating because everybody is just complaining about how cold it was, but they couldn't realize that they wouldn't be as cold if they actually moved around faster. duh. whatever.
I hung out with little Matt this weekend a lot. We played video games and skated a whole bunch. I hung out with Avi and he almost stole my car.. good thing he doesn't know how to start a car. lmaonade. I saw the jacket. hella weird and was totally in an uncomfortable situation all of saturday night. ugh.. never again. I hung out with Jarred sunday and I think it was a mistake, but fun nonetheless. That sums up my weekend. Exciting.
My badmitton partner is Christopher... it's amazing. I got so frustrated with vicky. I really want to have a heart to heart talk with her and be like "vicky, I really care about you and I'm only saying this because I want you to have friends some day...." I have no idea how one person can be so annoying. Drew a picture. Got involved with some water conservation group. I'm so totally stoked about this weather. I walked home barefoot, wearing a skirt, hair in braids, and chewing on sour grass... hick girl. I found out that Marie lives like right next door practically... hella weird. She didn't know who I was when I introduced myself.
I'm really ready for a change. I wish that I could become a totally different person so that I could relearn about who I am. I'm almost kinda sick of knowing myself so well. I'm really tired of feeling so alone all the time. I have no father figure and my mom is hardly ever around. My friends are bums. I sit on my ass and play guitar by myself under my tree. I guess I just want something to discover. I was writing my journal for english about a quote from Black Boy and it made me hella emo. I realized that my relationship with my dad is nothing more than that of an acquaintance. We make hella small talk and we know a few things about each other and our hobbies, but there's no depth. I think that the thing that makes me the most angry and hurt is that it is recent. I never even knew him growing up either. My last memory of us bonding (that wasn't forced) was when I was about 8 and I would help him with the gardening in the backyard; he lived with us until I was about 15. If that doesn' say much, I don't know what will. I think it hurts more to realize that I never had a relationship with him even when he was around during my childhood. It has felt like I have never had a father. I hate it. I wish I had somebody to rely on. Someobdy who could relate to me and make me feel better, somebody that I could confide in. but no. I guess I'm just lonely and nobody is helping. No matter how many "friends" I have, I have too hard of a time getting into a real relationship and going deeper with anybody. fuck.
I hung out with little Matt this weekend a lot. We played video games and skated a whole bunch. I hung out with Avi and he almost stole my car.. good thing he doesn't know how to start a car. lmaonade. I saw the jacket. hella weird and was totally in an uncomfortable situation all of saturday night. ugh.. never again. I hung out with Jarred sunday and I think it was a mistake, but fun nonetheless. That sums up my weekend. Exciting.
My badmitton partner is Christopher... it's amazing. I got so frustrated with vicky. I really want to have a heart to heart talk with her and be like "vicky, I really care about you and I'm only saying this because I want you to have friends some day...." I have no idea how one person can be so annoying. Drew a picture. Got involved with some water conservation group. I'm so totally stoked about this weather. I walked home barefoot, wearing a skirt, hair in braids, and chewing on sour grass... hick girl. I found out that Marie lives like right next door practically... hella weird. She didn't know who I was when I introduced myself.
I'm really ready for a change. I wish that I could become a totally different person so that I could relearn about who I am. I'm almost kinda sick of knowing myself so well. I'm really tired of feeling so alone all the time. I have no father figure and my mom is hardly ever around. My friends are bums. I sit on my ass and play guitar by myself under my tree. I guess I just want something to discover. I was writing my journal for english about a quote from Black Boy and it made me hella emo. I realized that my relationship with my dad is nothing more than that of an acquaintance. We make hella small talk and we know a few things about each other and our hobbies, but there's no depth. I think that the thing that makes me the most angry and hurt is that it is recent. I never even knew him growing up either. My last memory of us bonding (that wasn't forced) was when I was about 8 and I would help him with the gardening in the backyard; he lived with us until I was about 15. If that doesn' say much, I don't know what will. I think it hurts more to realize that I never had a relationship with him even when he was around during my childhood. It has felt like I have never had a father. I hate it. I wish I had somebody to rely on. Someobdy who could relate to me and make me feel better, somebody that I could confide in. but no. I guess I'm just lonely and nobody is helping. No matter how many "friends" I have, I have too hard of a time getting into a real relationship and going deeper with anybody. fuck.