(no subject)
10 days until I have to be in Paris to kick off another European leg of the tour. The tour. That's funny. That doesn't even mean anything anymore. I'm sort of suspended between an indie musicians definition of "touring" (i.e. a few weeks here, a week there, a week off, a month off, rinse and repeat) and a mainstream defintion of "touring" (i.e. play every night with every 4th or 5th night off for 6 months to a year and then collapse and stay off the road for 3 years).
Sometimes it's a week. Sometimes it's a few weeks. Sometimes it's a few months. Only the venues and crowds are bigger. I choose this. I toured Poses until it was worn down to a little nub...and so was I. I don't want to do that again. But, I also don't want any momentum to die down. It's been a big year for me, and whatever I can do to get more firmly established is what I'll do.
Sometimes I feel like I've spent my entire life looking for some kind of security that constantly eludes me.
My face looks tired these days. I see the dark circles under my eyes. I don't feel that tired, though. These are my in-between times. I look tired, but don't feel it quite yet. My hair isn't short or long...I'm not sure what it's doing, actually. I'm loved and I'm in love, but I'm not in a relationship. Because I'm scared, I guess. I don't trust enough in us...in me...in him. Yet. But it's a vicious circle, right? The more I hold back, the more he will seek out safety nets and places of comfort. But the more he seeks out those things, the more I want to hold back out of self preservation.
But mainly...I don't want to fly away in 10 days to be immediately faced with those bittersweet longing phone calls and plaintive wishes for a different reality. I've somehow deluded myself into thinking that maybe my going overseas will hurt him less if we don't take those final steps towards being together before I go.
But maybe that's wrong. Maybe that's exactly what I need to do before I leave. Maybe I need to stop being such a fucking pussy and just step up.
Oh boy.
Sometimes it's a week. Sometimes it's a few weeks. Sometimes it's a few months. Only the venues and crowds are bigger. I choose this. I toured Poses until it was worn down to a little nub...and so was I. I don't want to do that again. But, I also don't want any momentum to die down. It's been a big year for me, and whatever I can do to get more firmly established is what I'll do.
Sometimes I feel like I've spent my entire life looking for some kind of security that constantly eludes me.
My face looks tired these days. I see the dark circles under my eyes. I don't feel that tired, though. These are my in-between times. I look tired, but don't feel it quite yet. My hair isn't short or long...I'm not sure what it's doing, actually. I'm loved and I'm in love, but I'm not in a relationship. Because I'm scared, I guess. I don't trust enough in us...in me...in him. Yet. But it's a vicious circle, right? The more I hold back, the more he will seek out safety nets and places of comfort. But the more he seeks out those things, the more I want to hold back out of self preservation.
But mainly...I don't want to fly away in 10 days to be immediately faced with those bittersweet longing phone calls and plaintive wishes for a different reality. I've somehow deluded myself into thinking that maybe my going overseas will hurt him less if we don't take those final steps towards being together before I go.
But maybe that's wrong. Maybe that's exactly what I need to do before I leave. Maybe I need to stop being such a fucking pussy and just step up.
Oh boy.