FOUR? Those fuckers had it coming

[f_tavares]

I've always had trouble finding the right pay-by-the-hour motel but this one didn't look so bad. It was a Universal Soldier-type whorehouse, with little bungalows peppering the fenced-off area behind the main office. I didn't want to ask questions, typically one doesn't when the guy behind the counter looks like an impoverished grunt with a

Comments

[j_rhysmeyers]

I think you should come to Mexico next weekend.

[f_tavares]

What is there in Mexico for me, besides all the cerveça and over-the-counter Viagra I'll ever need/want? Is there you?

[j_rhysmeyers]

Why yes. Yes there will be. Are you in? I've got the perfect wasted story just dying to be written upon return.

[f_tavares]

It depends on what you're expecting of me. I'm in, either way, and will handcuff myself to you for maximum enjoyment and sexy results. Rhys Meyers, you must have one of the most filthy minds I know and it's all kept perfectly organized and packed away under that neat bit of hair on your head. I think that's disgustingly dommage.

[j_rhysmeyers]

Oh, I think expectations can be further negotiated and are much better facilitated face to face. I'll have you know I've perfected my innocent expression even though it fools no one. Last I heard, a party had disintegrated into a flimsy excuse to indulge in body shots and if you handcuff yourself to me, then I'm afraid you're going to be lumped in with the rest of us creeps.

[f_tavares]

I'm ready when you are. You know, I still have a hard time believing that. It isn't perfect enough and that might be why you give off that boyish glow. We know you've done something, it's just that no one expects it to be worse than having swallowed a dime or murdered a pigeon with your brand new bow and arrow set. A Party, how interestingly vague. I'm in, either way, and do not lack the clevage to set my pride and a few sheets to the wind. I'll have you to protect me, after all.

[j_rhysmeyers]

Actually, you're going to laugh at this, but I really do have a bow and arrow set. It's part of training. It comes along with an official message from Ted Nugent which declares, "I'm proud of you!"

That's all I know, really. I wasn't given too many details, but at least I was able to persuade them to change locales from Hawaii to Mexico. Why have a party if it's just going to be an ordinary beach thing? You could have that in California. I'd rather go to a third-world country with questionable politics, corrupt government officials and ancient ruins. Not to mention the bathtub tequila. That's always a plus.

[f_tavares]

I haven't told you about my hobo wine yet, have I? Hawaii is something all it's own, though. The Honolulu Marathon is Decadent and Depraved, and one day we will run all 26 miles of it. Three-legged-style, because we're hardcore in ways that surpass ordinary imaginations.

I'll be waiting for the phonecall. Buy the ticket, take the ride. Nothing is ever an ordinary beach thing with Jon Rhys Meyers and his Motley Crew. Crue. Creu. Cruew. Is this like that French Nazi band that was banned from setting foot in said country? They had a secret beachside concert in Brest, we camped out in tents and drank Ethiopian Wine from gasoline bottles.

[j_rhysmeyers]

I felt a stab of nostalgia and you're wielding that delicate blade. Hobo wine. That could start off a new trend entirely and I think this is a story I'd like to hear. Father Champagne still lives on in fictional accounts to the point where I'd actually be disappointed if I should ever meet him in reality. I think we should sign up to do that marathon and make it even more depraved by legging all 26 miles with a leg of pork in our mouths. It's the Luau thing. Let's go native, yeah?

I've your number programmed into my mobile and your airline ticket is being express delivered to your doorstep as we speak. First class, so you can drink as much as you like. The turbulence over the Texas/Mexico border is unbelievable, so here's to settling your nerves before you get there.

[f_tavares]

Does that make it better than Just Anyone Else? I'm not, you know, I want to make that clear. I'm writing the handbook on "What Not to Say, Ever." Mais... C'est vrai que je ne suis pas n'importe qui. Ha, I'll tell you a few stories. Did I tell you, on my trip back, I saw Father Champagne. He has this funky-fresh Fu-Manchu and I respect him a little more. It's the priest that wears casual clothes, that gives everyone a secret handshake and that probably mixes a little hooch with his blood of Christ. We're already halfway there. Shall I don a coconut bra that falls out of place every few miles? For motivation.

I can sleep better. That's interesting, but the flight attendants get iffy after three mini-bottles of vodka. Even if it's smooth sailing, I will not board an airplane without 4 grams first and foremost.