double life
well, when i wrote my last entry i was so sure things would get better straight away. as it is, for some reason this "coming out" has only made me more determined to lose weight. yesterday i ate one plum, a small bowl of pasta and a tiny piece of quiche. today i ate a tiny bowl of cereal, one bite of a pancake, and a little bit of the roast that mum made. i still feel like i could have done better. much better. i wish there was no one around to make me eat, cause then i could just starve myself for days and days and see some real results instead of occasionally losing a kilo and then gaining it again later.
i asked julian to be completely honest with me and tell me exactly how he thinks i look in terms of my weight. he said i was sitting somewhere between skinny and very skinny, but not dangerously thin. that has added to my determination. i WILL be skinnier. by the time uni starts, i am going to weigh 40kg. at the same time though, everyone is trying to get me to eat more, so i'm going to have to work harder to pretend everything is ok. that might mean more purging which is really bad for you but if i'm forced to eat, and i can't exercise it all off, that's really my only option...
so from today i lead a double life. to all my friends, to my family and to my boyfriend, i am fine. i'm eating plenty. i'm not anorexic at all. i will wear baggier clothes to hide my bones, and i will find ways to make it look like i'm eating when i'm not. and to myself, i will be ruthless in my search for perfection. not a bite will touch my lips without being exercised off within the hour. i will NEVER eat any cake, biscuits etc, and i will NEVER finish a meal. if i don't manage that, i will deny myself the things that i enjoy most. i won't go out until i know that i've burned more calories than i've eaten that day. i must be strong.
I WILL BE 40 KILOS BY THE 28TH OF FEBRUARY, OR I WILL DIE.
i asked julian to be completely honest with me and tell me exactly how he thinks i look in terms of my weight. he said i was sitting somewhere between skinny and very skinny, but not dangerously thin. that has added to my determination. i WILL be skinnier. by the time uni starts, i am going to weigh 40kg. at the same time though, everyone is trying to get me to eat more, so i'm going to have to work harder to pretend everything is ok. that might mean more purging which is really bad for you but if i'm forced to eat, and i can't exercise it all off, that's really my only option...
so from today i lead a double life. to all my friends, to my family and to my boyfriend, i am fine. i'm eating plenty. i'm not anorexic at all. i will wear baggier clothes to hide my bones, and i will find ways to make it look like i'm eating when i'm not. and to myself, i will be ruthless in my search for perfection. not a bite will touch my lips without being exercised off within the hour. i will NEVER eat any cake, biscuits etc, and i will NEVER finish a meal. if i don't manage that, i will deny myself the things that i enjoy most. i won't go out until i know that i've burned more calories than i've eaten that day. i must be strong.
I WILL BE 40 KILOS BY THE 28TH OF FEBRUARY, OR I WILL DIE.