(no subject)
i`m writing in livejournal again. it`s the ultimate bitch tool.
i`ve been acting like such a girl lately, it`s terrible. i hate when i act like this, it makes me sick to be around myself, i want to throw up. i`m never hungry anymore.
i`m almost positive other people hate being around me too, no wonder why i`m not invited anywhere. i`m such a lame ass drag. i feel old. i don`t know how to have fun anymore. someone wanna go buy me some grandma underwear? i might as well look like an old fag too.
everyone i used to be tight with, doesn`t talk to me anymore. they don`t call, they don`t IM me. i`ve maxed out my buddy list, and out of the 200 people, a hott 7 talk to me. and out of the 7, i can`t really talk to them... i don`t want to burden them with my trick shit because i`m scared they won`t want to talk to me anymore. i`m positive the only reason they talk to me now is out of boredom. if there`s no one else to talk to, there`s always kim. she has no friends, she`ll listen.
it hurts so much when people say they love me. it reminds me of how unloved i actually am. plus, the only time i hear i`m loved is when i`m upset or when it gets quiet. then everyone is my best friend again. that`s not what i want. i want to be loved, all the time. i want to hear that i`m loved, all the time. i want to smile, all the time. i want to know people care and are there for me, all... the... damn... time.
i hate how boys treat me. they pick me up and drop me. they`re really nice to me one night and the next day they`re all over someone else right in front of me. it doesn`t bug me that they`re with someone else, it bugs me that they ignore me. i must be fucking invisible on those days.
at church, everyone wonders how i`ve gotten so tight with God all of a sudden. they see me praying, dancing, yelling and singing to Him all the time and they`re like, where did all this come from, you psycho!? well God would be your best friend too if no one else gave you the time of day. actually, he`s my best friend no matter what.
today at church, i showed cassie my prom pictures. she saw me with a bunch of people in them and was like you have a lot of friends. i just sighed and told her friends come and go. you have to understand that cassie doesn`t have the best of luck with friends - she doesn`t allow herself to get close to people. i think that`s because, in the past, she was always made fun of, and now that people actually are nice to her - she doesn`t know how to respond to it.
me on the other hand, i`m the complete opposite of her. i give people my everything and no one gives a flying fuck back. how the hell does this work? i`m making myself cry now, super.
when i look at those pictures, i see something different. i don`t see me with a bunch of friends, i don`t see me dressed up in a bright green dress, i don`t see a strech limo in front of my house. i see me smiling and wonder how i pulled that off, wonder why i can`t do it again, wonder why.. nevermind.
i miss the times where i felt beautiful, not because i was, but because people made me feel that way. i miss the times when i smiled all the time, even over the little things - even in my sleep. i miss when i would dream about all people that mean the world to me, and wake up to find them there and ready to have another adventure with me.
now i feel ugly, because i`ve become ugly. i don`t smile and i don`t frown- i have no facial expression- i`m dark, i cry all the time. i still dream about all the people i care about, but when i wake up... they`re not there.
come back to me. =(
So don't let the world bring you down
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
Remember why you came and while you're alive
Experience the warmth before you grow old
i`ve been acting like such a girl lately, it`s terrible. i hate when i act like this, it makes me sick to be around myself, i want to throw up. i`m never hungry anymore.
i`m almost positive other people hate being around me too, no wonder why i`m not invited anywhere. i`m such a lame ass drag. i feel old. i don`t know how to have fun anymore. someone wanna go buy me some grandma underwear? i might as well look like an old fag too.
everyone i used to be tight with, doesn`t talk to me anymore. they don`t call, they don`t IM me. i`ve maxed out my buddy list, and out of the 200 people, a hott 7 talk to me. and out of the 7, i can`t really talk to them... i don`t want to burden them with my trick shit because i`m scared they won`t want to talk to me anymore. i`m positive the only reason they talk to me now is out of boredom. if there`s no one else to talk to, there`s always kim. she has no friends, she`ll listen.
it hurts so much when people say they love me. it reminds me of how unloved i actually am. plus, the only time i hear i`m loved is when i`m upset or when it gets quiet. then everyone is my best friend again. that`s not what i want. i want to be loved, all the time. i want to hear that i`m loved, all the time. i want to smile, all the time. i want to know people care and are there for me, all... the... damn... time.
i hate how boys treat me. they pick me up and drop me. they`re really nice to me one night and the next day they`re all over someone else right in front of me. it doesn`t bug me that they`re with someone else, it bugs me that they ignore me. i must be fucking invisible on those days.
at church, everyone wonders how i`ve gotten so tight with God all of a sudden. they see me praying, dancing, yelling and singing to Him all the time and they`re like, where did all this come from, you psycho!? well God would be your best friend too if no one else gave you the time of day. actually, he`s my best friend no matter what.
today at church, i showed cassie my prom pictures. she saw me with a bunch of people in them and was like you have a lot of friends. i just sighed and told her friends come and go. you have to understand that cassie doesn`t have the best of luck with friends - she doesn`t allow herself to get close to people. i think that`s because, in the past, she was always made fun of, and now that people actually are nice to her - she doesn`t know how to respond to it.
me on the other hand, i`m the complete opposite of her. i give people my everything and no one gives a flying fuck back. how the hell does this work? i`m making myself cry now, super.
when i look at those pictures, i see something different. i don`t see me with a bunch of friends, i don`t see me dressed up in a bright green dress, i don`t see a strech limo in front of my house. i see me smiling and wonder how i pulled that off, wonder why i can`t do it again, wonder why.. nevermind.
i miss the times where i felt beautiful, not because i was, but because people made me feel that way. i miss the times when i smiled all the time, even over the little things - even in my sleep. i miss when i would dream about all people that mean the world to me, and wake up to find them there and ready to have another adventure with me.
now i feel ugly, because i`ve become ugly. i don`t smile and i don`t frown- i have no facial expression- i`m dark, i cry all the time. i still dream about all the people i care about, but when i wake up... they`re not there.
come back to me. =(
So don't let the world bring you down
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
Remember why you came and while you're alive
Experience the warmth before you grow old