update
well, no ones at my house rite now. i woke up at 6:30 this afternoon to find no one here. and its nice how no one wakes you up to do anything. but i did sleep at 9 this morning, so i guess for sleeps sake, they didnt wake me up. oh well. thats how the ball bounces i guess. so what to type about. the last couple of weeks has been alrite. been chillin with the usuals of course. especially with the masquerade lover himself phil. its pretty koo how he started to hang out with us all. and whenever its nighttime, or daytime, whoevers in the car with him, we always talk about real shit. like with girls and life and all. its pretty good. and he's been helping me with some advice and shit (and although id prefer advice from other girls) the shit he says is pretty damn true.
i had an important talk with an old friend of mine like 2 weeks back. and its weird that the stuff she said, i have never looked at myself and said, "hey, this is some good shit. I never knew it was true". i dunno. it kinda helped in the fact that i guess its true. how am i suppose to kno about love and all this shit. i understand love for family, love for God (i did go to mass last sunday, after a 4 or 5 month hiatus, so how's that for love for God), but what i don't understand is that love for the opposite sex. sure, it's easy to be fake and all, and just get a girl just so she's like a "trophy" to you and your friends. and thats not what i want. here, i dont wanna go on a chirade (thats a word, cuz i remember hearing that word in that cop show, T.J. Hooker), so i'll put up what my friend said (note: she talked to me through AIM, so im gonna leave her SN out for reasons, but if you guys have known me personally through the years, I will bet that you already kno who the person was that i had this conversation with):
"It hits me to know that you have not been given the opportunity to find someone to hold. To know your sincerity has not been grasped, by either friends and/or even a girl, I'm sure is like an arrow through the heart. You want to share it with someone, but it's such a kicker cuz people are blinded by ur good things. And as for me, I've grown to have been in love several times, been experienced to feel someone there to hold me, and take care of me.. Realizing that now that I have been heartbroken so manytimes, I find myself back at stage one where I feel so immature about love, and dependent on people for security.. or just dependent on the guy. You and I face different pains, and sometimes I think that you are wishing to feel that pain with someone. To actually experience heart ache a different way- when you're in love. Other than facing rejection thats painstaking, I wonder if you want to feel heartache after a first real love. Cuz you are such a mature and honest person, it makes me wonder if you'd stay that way when you fall in love. Or become foolish and dependent like me.. over and over again. Insecurity is evident within us. In a different way of course. It's just that recently I've just been thinkin and wonderin how you feel."
At first, i thought she was tryin to talk some shit. I know that we were friends before (and still are), and that we were pretty close before. but with time passing and shit, i thought that she was tryin to point out the fact that i never had a girlfriend and all that mumbo jumbo shit. but i noticed that all that she was sayin was from her heart, and yea, i guess she was just doin it cause she kinda knew what i was going through. and it's funny, cause i never have told anyone anything before what she told me. it's pointless to try to hear the usual shit when i tell people. i guess it's hard tryin to conform and try to get a girl, but with 99% of the girls that i kno are mad ass picky, and the all around girls that i kno (there are two, excluding the one you already kno that i used to like) are picky as well. it's not that i mind and shit, cause God gave you guys free will and stuff, and I'm happy that you guys (girls as a whole) are waiting for the rite one. maybe you should just give the guy a break and give him a chance. im not talkin about myself personally, cuz sometimes i think that way too, and wanna wait for the rite girl too. but with no experience at this stuff, I don't want to go into a reltaionship knowing nothing, except for the stories from my other friends about their relationships. I just don't wanna screw up and all that shit.
that's my outlook on that topic as of late. in all honesty, i envy all those who have relationships, but i am not jealous. I like having to buy only one big mac combo instead of two. But i like to add input when all my other friends are talkin about their past (and present) relationships, and i wanna sound like i kno something. If the time comes, then im fuckin down to have a relationship. but all i need to do is find the rite girl. and in actuality, there may be one. and no, its not her, cuz ive told people before of the girls i liked. AS of late, to end this excerpt, I have told people differnt names of the girl i liked. but there's only one of my friends that know who i really liked. so everybody, start guessing cause the one who guesses rite, ill take them out to BJ's for dinner on me. no strings attached. let the games begin. see ya.
i had an important talk with an old friend of mine like 2 weeks back. and its weird that the stuff she said, i have never looked at myself and said, "hey, this is some good shit. I never knew it was true". i dunno. it kinda helped in the fact that i guess its true. how am i suppose to kno about love and all this shit. i understand love for family, love for God (i did go to mass last sunday, after a 4 or 5 month hiatus, so how's that for love for God), but what i don't understand is that love for the opposite sex. sure, it's easy to be fake and all, and just get a girl just so she's like a "trophy" to you and your friends. and thats not what i want. here, i dont wanna go on a chirade (thats a word, cuz i remember hearing that word in that cop show, T.J. Hooker), so i'll put up what my friend said (note: she talked to me through AIM, so im gonna leave her SN out for reasons, but if you guys have known me personally through the years, I will bet that you already kno who the person was that i had this conversation with):
"It hits me to know that you have not been given the opportunity to find someone to hold. To know your sincerity has not been grasped, by either friends and/or even a girl, I'm sure is like an arrow through the heart. You want to share it with someone, but it's such a kicker cuz people are blinded by ur good things. And as for me, I've grown to have been in love several times, been experienced to feel someone there to hold me, and take care of me.. Realizing that now that I have been heartbroken so manytimes, I find myself back at stage one where I feel so immature about love, and dependent on people for security.. or just dependent on the guy. You and I face different pains, and sometimes I think that you are wishing to feel that pain with someone. To actually experience heart ache a different way- when you're in love. Other than facing rejection thats painstaking, I wonder if you want to feel heartache after a first real love. Cuz you are such a mature and honest person, it makes me wonder if you'd stay that way when you fall in love. Or become foolish and dependent like me.. over and over again. Insecurity is evident within us. In a different way of course. It's just that recently I've just been thinkin and wonderin how you feel."
At first, i thought she was tryin to talk some shit. I know that we were friends before (and still are), and that we were pretty close before. but with time passing and shit, i thought that she was tryin to point out the fact that i never had a girlfriend and all that mumbo jumbo shit. but i noticed that all that she was sayin was from her heart, and yea, i guess she was just doin it cause she kinda knew what i was going through. and it's funny, cause i never have told anyone anything before what she told me. it's pointless to try to hear the usual shit when i tell people. i guess it's hard tryin to conform and try to get a girl, but with 99% of the girls that i kno are mad ass picky, and the all around girls that i kno (there are two, excluding the one you already kno that i used to like) are picky as well. it's not that i mind and shit, cause God gave you guys free will and stuff, and I'm happy that you guys (girls as a whole) are waiting for the rite one. maybe you should just give the guy a break and give him a chance. im not talkin about myself personally, cuz sometimes i think that way too, and wanna wait for the rite girl too. but with no experience at this stuff, I don't want to go into a reltaionship knowing nothing, except for the stories from my other friends about their relationships. I just don't wanna screw up and all that shit.
that's my outlook on that topic as of late. in all honesty, i envy all those who have relationships, but i am not jealous. I like having to buy only one big mac combo instead of two. But i like to add input when all my other friends are talkin about their past (and present) relationships, and i wanna sound like i kno something. If the time comes, then im fuckin down to have a relationship. but all i need to do is find the rite girl. and in actuality, there may be one. and no, its not her, cuz ive told people before of the girls i liked. AS of late, to end this excerpt, I have told people differnt names of the girl i liked. but there's only one of my friends that know who i really liked. so everybody, start guessing cause the one who guesses rite, ill take them out to BJ's for dinner on me. no strings attached. let the games begin. see ya.