I am so good at personal statements
I was asked to edit the following intro paragraph:
When I was younger, I already knew would pursue a master's degree, so it would be no surprise to a younger version of myself that I would be applying to graduate school. What would have been surprising is that it is to an Electrical Engineering program. When I was 15, I was extremely interested in the field of psychology -- until my junior year of high school, when I took a psychology class. It was boring, and not at all like what I thought it would be. Fortunately, at the same time I was also in a physics laboratory class. From the very first day, we did all sorts of fun experiments, and it did not take long to abandon the idea of psychology and start planning to study engineering.
I rewrote it as the following:
This moment has been foretold by sages and oracles since times of yore. When I was younger, I knew would pursue a master's degree. By the nubile age of fifteen, supple and barely touched by puberty, I was extremely interested in the field of psychology. This obsession persisted until my junior year of high school, when I took a psychology class. I was repulsed. What frauds! What intellectually dishonest wastes of grant-money! Fortunately, at the same time I was also in a physics laboratory class. From the very first day, the lessons were compelling, pertinent, and explanatory. Their real-world affect drove me to learn, and it did not take long to abandon the idea of psychology. I now study engineering, and despite the wanton discrimination I face every day as an educated, successful, intelligent woman, I am willing to persevere on to the advanced degree of my choosing, even if it costs me the envy and hatred of my male peers.
That was unexpectedly rejected. Scrambling for a replacement which fit the criterion of "appropriate" and "professional you fucking asshole god I hate you so much", I rewrote it as:
When seven years old, I was photographed wearing a NY Polytechnic t-shirt, with a slice of balony covering my face. I was clever enough to eat holes out of it for the eyes, mouth, and one ear. While I believe you should accept my application merely because of this fact--despite this photo having been lost to time--I believe I possess other qualifications sufficient to justify my continued study at your university.
When fifteen years old, I had determined to earn a graduate degree. I'd been told there was learning to be had beyond secondary school, that it was hard, and that it was rewarding. I enjoyed school, and I wanted to continue.
At the time, I was interested in the field of psychology. I had a vague idea that the brain was the most complex, intricate device I had ever heard of; I liked the idea of understanding it, and psychology--the study of the human mind--seemed the most apt way to do so.
Then I took a psychology class.
It was ... not at all like what I thought it would be. Fortunately, at the same time I was also in a physics laboratory class. From the very first day we were instructed in delicate experiments. I hadn't realized the complexity of even the simplest things of the world. I quickly abandoned psychology. I resolved to study engineering. I'd like to continue.
No idea if that's better. She's still unresponsive. But I'll let y'all know!
When I was younger, I already knew would pursue a master's degree, so it would be no surprise to a younger version of myself that I would be applying to graduate school. What would have been surprising is that it is to an Electrical Engineering program. When I was 15, I was extremely interested in the field of psychology -- until my junior year of high school, when I took a psychology class. It was boring, and not at all like what I thought it would be. Fortunately, at the same time I was also in a physics laboratory class. From the very first day, we did all sorts of fun experiments, and it did not take long to abandon the idea of psychology and start planning to study engineering.
I rewrote it as the following:
This moment has been foretold by sages and oracles since times of yore. When I was younger, I knew would pursue a master's degree. By the nubile age of fifteen, supple and barely touched by puberty, I was extremely interested in the field of psychology. This obsession persisted until my junior year of high school, when I took a psychology class. I was repulsed. What frauds! What intellectually dishonest wastes of grant-money! Fortunately, at the same time I was also in a physics laboratory class. From the very first day, the lessons were compelling, pertinent, and explanatory. Their real-world affect drove me to learn, and it did not take long to abandon the idea of psychology. I now study engineering, and despite the wanton discrimination I face every day as an educated, successful, intelligent woman, I am willing to persevere on to the advanced degree of my choosing, even if it costs me the envy and hatred of my male peers.
That was unexpectedly rejected. Scrambling for a replacement which fit the criterion of "appropriate" and "professional you fucking asshole god I hate you so much", I rewrote it as:
When seven years old, I was photographed wearing a NY Polytechnic t-shirt, with a slice of balony covering my face. I was clever enough to eat holes out of it for the eyes, mouth, and one ear. While I believe you should accept my application merely because of this fact--despite this photo having been lost to time--I believe I possess other qualifications sufficient to justify my continued study at your university.
When fifteen years old, I had determined to earn a graduate degree. I'd been told there was learning to be had beyond secondary school, that it was hard, and that it was rewarding. I enjoyed school, and I wanted to continue.
At the time, I was interested in the field of psychology. I had a vague idea that the brain was the most complex, intricate device I had ever heard of; I liked the idea of understanding it, and psychology--the study of the human mind--seemed the most apt way to do so.
Then I took a psychology class.
It was ... not at all like what I thought it would be. Fortunately, at the same time I was also in a physics laboratory class. From the very first day we were instructed in delicate experiments. I hadn't realized the complexity of even the simplest things of the world. I quickly abandoned psychology. I resolved to study engineering. I'd like to continue.
No idea if that's better. She's still unresponsive. But I'll let y'all know!