♥ for the sake of my heart.. im letting it go♥
just got back from getting a little twisted and i must admit i wish i was still currently getting my drink on.
so you guys know that i have a few best friends in my life. not all of them know each other. the only thing they have in common is that they know me. theres been drama, theres been fights, theres been shits and giggles. all around good times.but there are two best friends in particular that i mention more often here in my journal. exhibit A: Alyssa. exhibit B: Nikki.
i met alyssa in first grade and the best friend thing just sorta happened. how different my life would have been if i never sat down next to her during lunch period.
later on, right in the middle of those tween years alyssa introduced me to nikki who she knew since she was a wee little baby. i was jealous to have to share my best friend with someone else at first but, obviously, we soon became buddies. and college brought us closer together then i could have ever imagined.
so through one best friend i found another. and the times we shared for the most part were ome of the best. but like they say, all good things must come to an end.
i liked our little circle. i liked the inside jokes that were our inside jokes. i like that we knew each other quirks even if we didnt know all of each other secrets. i liked that we could look at each other and laugh without saying a word. i liked it. i depended on it to stay the same. to be my rock.
i shouldnt have.
best friend one and best friend two are fighting. really really fighting. not like an argument-make-up-the-next-day kind of fighting. a real nasty (for lack of a better word) fight. things were said.. things are being said.. that are shocking and apalling me. their slowly but surely deleting one another out of their lives. its for the best i guess. no i know its for the best. better that then what it was turning in to.
their lives will hopefully be much less stress free because of it. im glad the air is being cleared.
but my rock is gone. the circle i loved so much is gone. and its never coming back. i hoped it would. i even dreamed about it once. but its been a track record of mine not to get what i want.
things are wierd. tension is thick. bad blood is brewing. and theres nothing i can do. nothing i can say. best friend one and two are having a war and i think its safe to say that im switzerland. a very sad switzerland.
i literally feel sick every time i think about the situation this has blown up in to. if i think about it for too long i even get that lumpy feeling in my throat.
oh there it is again. tears dont matter any more though. not after all this. not after the point of absolutely no fucking way in hell return.
i shouldnt have depended so much on our interlocked friendship. i saw what was happening. i saw it from way before one and two even knew what was going on. but i continued to put my trust in our shaky friendship because i unfortunately suffered from chronic denial.
well reality has bitch slapped me in the face.
i should say all this to them. i am now in a way. but the words dont seem to want to come out when im presented with an oppurtunity. so i will continue to talk to myself.
i dont like change. i dont like fights. i dont like being switzerland. and i dont like being sad.
this had made my life shift in ways that i cant even begin to explain. and ill deal because im adult and i have to. and ill do it all with a smile on my face because for a moment it makes things feel like they really arent that bad.
i wish i could snap out of this state of mind. i wish i could convince myself that this has nothing to do with me. but it does. it truly does. the thing i loved so much is gone. and even though im left with two very loveable pieces its never gonna be the same. never. ever. again.
this is breaking my heart.
and here i thought my first heartache was gonna be over some silly boy.
i guess this is my way of letting it go. what other choice do i have?
goodbye DNA. ill miss you.
so you guys know that i have a few best friends in my life. not all of them know each other. the only thing they have in common is that they know me. theres been drama, theres been fights, theres been shits and giggles. all around good times.but there are two best friends in particular that i mention more often here in my journal. exhibit A: Alyssa. exhibit B: Nikki.
i met alyssa in first grade and the best friend thing just sorta happened. how different my life would have been if i never sat down next to her during lunch period.
later on, right in the middle of those tween years alyssa introduced me to nikki who she knew since she was a wee little baby. i was jealous to have to share my best friend with someone else at first but, obviously, we soon became buddies. and college brought us closer together then i could have ever imagined.
so through one best friend i found another. and the times we shared for the most part were ome of the best. but like they say, all good things must come to an end.
i liked our little circle. i liked the inside jokes that were our inside jokes. i like that we knew each other quirks even if we didnt know all of each other secrets. i liked that we could look at each other and laugh without saying a word. i liked it. i depended on it to stay the same. to be my rock.
i shouldnt have.
best friend one and best friend two are fighting. really really fighting. not like an argument-make-up-the-next-day kind of fighting. a real nasty (for lack of a better word) fight. things were said.. things are being said.. that are shocking and apalling me. their slowly but surely deleting one another out of their lives. its for the best i guess. no i know its for the best. better that then what it was turning in to.
their lives will hopefully be much less stress free because of it. im glad the air is being cleared.
but my rock is gone. the circle i loved so much is gone. and its never coming back. i hoped it would. i even dreamed about it once. but its been a track record of mine not to get what i want.
things are wierd. tension is thick. bad blood is brewing. and theres nothing i can do. nothing i can say. best friend one and two are having a war and i think its safe to say that im switzerland. a very sad switzerland.
i literally feel sick every time i think about the situation this has blown up in to. if i think about it for too long i even get that lumpy feeling in my throat.
oh there it is again. tears dont matter any more though. not after all this. not after the point of absolutely no fucking way in hell return.
i shouldnt have depended so much on our interlocked friendship. i saw what was happening. i saw it from way before one and two even knew what was going on. but i continued to put my trust in our shaky friendship because i unfortunately suffered from chronic denial.
well reality has bitch slapped me in the face.
i should say all this to them. i am now in a way. but the words dont seem to want to come out when im presented with an oppurtunity. so i will continue to talk to myself.
i dont like change. i dont like fights. i dont like being switzerland. and i dont like being sad.
this had made my life shift in ways that i cant even begin to explain. and ill deal because im adult and i have to. and ill do it all with a smile on my face because for a moment it makes things feel like they really arent that bad.
i wish i could snap out of this state of mind. i wish i could convince myself that this has nothing to do with me. but it does. it truly does. the thing i loved so much is gone. and even though im left with two very loveable pieces its never gonna be the same. never. ever. again.
this is breaking my heart.
and here i thought my first heartache was gonna be over some silly boy.
i guess this is my way of letting it go. what other choice do i have?
goodbye DNA. ill miss you.