Thinking about passion...

[ezumien]

This illusion we have of being alone is a frightening and oft reoccurring figment of the mind. I am always thinking of myself being with one person. I imagine the experiences and things we would do together. Later on I look back with a range of emotions on all of these various encounters. Some encounters can be dangerous like those sexual fantasies that come frighteningly true. That perverse moment you imagined so many nights comes into focus as a shock to your mind. Although that initial connection is often exciting the aftermath can be one of mixed reactions. I think this sort of thing has its own special place in the range of human encounters. I think sometimes though this sort of encounter is set in the wrong vain. (Cheating, Adultery, etc.) Those things set aside, I think one of the problems that can occur with such as an encounter is the degree to which it is taken. Which of course depends on the maturity level of both persons involved. For examples of when things go wrong, how many times have you been walking down a hallway and heard a girl sobbing her eyes out and screaming on the phone. How many times have you sat with your face down in your pillow wondering why? The question I'm asking is: does our passion come back to haunt us eventually in one way or another, unless it is a life-long passion? I think this is an interesting question to ponder on. There are different people you care about in your life and depending on how many there have been you have most likely been passionate about one or more of them. So how many times has your passion come back to bite you in the ass? How many times have you looked back on your past and it seems like a different world with different people, almost like an alternate universe? (A complete discussion on its own) How many times when no one else is around do you sit alone thinking about someone that you used to feel intense passion for and it is the closest feeling to the english word bittersweet you have ever known. I know for some people these kind of things can be haunting and bog down their daily lives. I think for a time passion can often bog us down but what is the use? Even if it was in the wrong vain was it one of the truest representations of emotion you have ever had? Did it happen for a certain reason, even if that was the wrong reason? I do not think you can regret passion whenever you have had it. It must be treasured and kept in the heart for those times when you are doubting the sincerity of the world you can remember how it felt to hold someone in your arms or be held and remember how that passion felt. Remember that true emotion not to depress you but to remind you that even if you do not have love or passion right now it exists and is out there.

Here is something I found that I wrote in my notebook this fall at some point. If my memory serves correctly I wrote on top of the hill in the MLK Commons at NIU (The one out of which steps are carved) - an insignificant fact... I think its subject matter relates to what I have been writing about.

As I walk leaves blow past me
moving swiftly in the same direction
A chill october wind reminds me of the season
A vivid, real, and bittersweet chill of past falls

Couples converse and laugh one holding a bike
One with a bittersweet look in their eye turns to leave
A sweet embrace is made briefly before departure
Do we ever realize what we have right before us?

It's easy to remember that embrace
but harder to realize its importance in the moment
Maybe it's being naive or maybe simply not knowing
at all, that later on this is going to be special.

I know I am just beginning to chip at the surface of such a massive and complex human emotion....