I'll give you a thousand pounds to tell me how you do it
If I do everything right, I still miss a few things.
Honestly, I don't know how people do it, how they function. I can barely wake up every morning and convince myself to go to work, anything out side of that is over and above. Dressing in any manner other than a college freshman, eating regular meals, regularly working out, participating in social activities. Sure, I do all of those as one-off's, but I can never consistently do any of them. I tried today to get to work, work a full day, eat my regular meals, work out, make myself dinner, and engage in social activities. I averaged a needs improvement. Oh, it's 2pm, why haven't you eaten lunch? All you've had to drink today is coffee, why haven't you had water? Are you going to accomplish anything today? You need to be at the gym for that class in 30 minutes, why haven't you left work? You have 30 minutes before trivia, why haven't you finished making dinner, why haven't you showered and dressed yourself? Why did you forget that one ingredient so that your meal is no longer acceptably edible? Why haven't you eaten since 2pm? You're becoming a glass-ball of emotion. EAT SOMETHING. Why does it feel like you're always behind? Quick, pay your cell phone bill. It was all so unsatisfying, and nerve-wreaking. I'm always a little behind, a little unmotivated, a little malnourished to rightfully accomplish those basic things. Is there a manual that I didn't get? Or an internal program where I should be more motivated to care? I can ignore the elephant in the room, but damn it all to hell if there's a tiny tiny spider somewhere.
That hyper-motivation that some people have, it's just not there. I know that I should care, but I think I don't. I care that I don't care, but I don't actually. Meta? I joke that I'll die alone. I'm too much in my own head. There's too much roller-coastering around of thoughts that nothing else can make a move.
All I can think is how I can never seem to fall asleep, but then I never want to wake up. I should be a sleep so I can be awake in 6 hours. I should be managing this all better and not feel so so far behind.
Honestly, I don't know how people do it, how they function. I can barely wake up every morning and convince myself to go to work, anything out side of that is over and above. Dressing in any manner other than a college freshman, eating regular meals, regularly working out, participating in social activities. Sure, I do all of those as one-off's, but I can never consistently do any of them. I tried today to get to work, work a full day, eat my regular meals, work out, make myself dinner, and engage in social activities. I averaged a needs improvement. Oh, it's 2pm, why haven't you eaten lunch? All you've had to drink today is coffee, why haven't you had water? Are you going to accomplish anything today? You need to be at the gym for that class in 30 minutes, why haven't you left work? You have 30 minutes before trivia, why haven't you finished making dinner, why haven't you showered and dressed yourself? Why did you forget that one ingredient so that your meal is no longer acceptably edible? Why haven't you eaten since 2pm? You're becoming a glass-ball of emotion. EAT SOMETHING. Why does it feel like you're always behind? Quick, pay your cell phone bill. It was all so unsatisfying, and nerve-wreaking. I'm always a little behind, a little unmotivated, a little malnourished to rightfully accomplish those basic things. Is there a manual that I didn't get? Or an internal program where I should be more motivated to care? I can ignore the elephant in the room, but damn it all to hell if there's a tiny tiny spider somewhere.
That hyper-motivation that some people have, it's just not there. I know that I should care, but I think I don't. I care that I don't care, but I don't actually. Meta? I joke that I'll die alone. I'm too much in my own head. There's too much roller-coastering around of thoughts that nothing else can make a move.
All I can think is how I can never seem to fall asleep, but then I never want to wake up. I should be a sleep so I can be awake in 6 hours. I should be managing this all better and not feel so so far behind.