Hmm
I found a letter from Sean when I opened a box of my things in my parents basement. The letter has invaded my dreams and brought up buried feelings, when someone close to me passes away I usually have been able to get closure with my dreams, saying goodbye to Sean in my dreams was just as unclear as my relationship in the dream I received a letter reminding me to take care of myself. Tonight I reviewed e-mails that we had written to each other while I was in college, slipped in were e-mails from other lovers, it made me realize how lost I have become.
there was a time when I had a network of friends people that made up my social group and while I have never been a extremely social person I had people that cared about me, my family/friends, I had a lover that supported me like a best friend, while we struggled as lovers he cared about me, he checked in on me we would talk when I just needed someone to talk to, he was there and I didn't feel so lonely, I felt lovable and he was a piece of my network. I used to have a best friend D she had a way of calling me to do something just when I needed it, we didn't always see eye to eye but for the most part I never felt that she was judging me. There were roommates and workmates that provided me support.
Somehow I lost my network this past year, I relied on casual friendships, casual social gathering and casual work conversations, to get me through the year. I have/had no one to have a heart to heart with, no one who knows me, no one that knows/cares about how withdrawn I have become.
My negative thought distortions taking over my reality I don't deserve friendships, people are too busy, I am not good enough, I am not smart enough, I am too negative, they didn't really want to be my friend in the first place, I am too exhausting a friend, they are going to find out that I don't deserve, friendships, love etc
I know that I can't look back on what was, but I really wish I wasn't so lost, so worried, so alone and lonely.
there was a time when I had a network of friends people that made up my social group and while I have never been a extremely social person I had people that cared about me, my family/friends, I had a lover that supported me like a best friend, while we struggled as lovers he cared about me, he checked in on me we would talk when I just needed someone to talk to, he was there and I didn't feel so lonely, I felt lovable and he was a piece of my network. I used to have a best friend D she had a way of calling me to do something just when I needed it, we didn't always see eye to eye but for the most part I never felt that she was judging me. There were roommates and workmates that provided me support.
Somehow I lost my network this past year, I relied on casual friendships, casual social gathering and casual work conversations, to get me through the year. I have/had no one to have a heart to heart with, no one who knows me, no one that knows/cares about how withdrawn I have become.
My negative thought distortions taking over my reality I don't deserve friendships, people are too busy, I am not good enough, I am not smart enough, I am too negative, they didn't really want to be my friend in the first place, I am too exhausting a friend, they are going to find out that I don't deserve, friendships, love etc
I know that I can't look back on what was, but I really wish I wasn't so lost, so worried, so alone and lonely.