Things end.
(This is a translation of the post I put up before passing out around 3 am this morning... but I've elaborated a little because English is easier, haha)
Hey!
Sorry, I'm not feeling well~ I drank a little too much last night.
Right now, My heart kind of hurts... why?
The thing is, there is this guy I liked but I thought it's impossible. And then this girl came along. The girl pretended she wanted to be my friend, but at the same time she kept doing strange things.
She knew I liked this guy but then she flirted with him (in front of my face no less... and I thought that was it, and that I was just a jealous bitch...) But what the hell? Isn't it a bit strange? I thought she might be a bitch, but then I thought, 'maybe she's just retarded...?' But then she still thought that we could be friends... She's seriously an idiot. I'm neither blind nor dumb, whether you realized it or not...
But, it seems that it wasn't all in front of me, but also behind my back. I found out last night... a friend called to check on how I was doing and told me some disturbing things that had been kept from me, but after I told them some things they said, 'well these things did happen, and I thought it was kind of curious but...'
She called the guy I like (G) up at one point and asked if he wanted some pizza... then she took over some leftover pizza to give him, stayed over, talked, and when it came time to go she said it was too late to drive home and stayed over the night... Not only once either... and though she claimed that she "never noticed she was flirting with him" and yet she did these things? How can she not know? All those things she said... but she slept at his place often and told him "don't tell Erin"... Isn't that obvious she knows she's doing something odd???
She fucking lied to my face, and I was apt to believe her... I seriously thought I was the bitch and I was at fault, but there's no way that her stupid little act could have been real, it's so obvious. I prefered Kristen, at least she admitted that she was being a bitch and eased my conscience, even if she did have lame excuses. This bitch is still pretending to be all sweet and innocent... an act that started when she got introduced to Ken and Giichi.
There's more, but is it needed? There were so many things... seemingly little glitches that at the time I was putting down as just me, and I was feeling like the world's biggest jerk... but not now. That is something that even I can't blame on myself, and you all know how good I am at making myself into the bad guy in any situation.
And the guy... What kind of person is he? He asked her out yesterday... What the hell is in his head?
So how did I find out? She called me and said "we need to talk". She came over here to ask me what she should say and "make sure we could still be friends"... (Why was she even here? She was supposed to be at home, and hour away... What was she doing for those few hours? Do I want to ask...?)
So I told her straight up, "Honestly, you have nothing to worry about on that point, I never liked you in the first place. You gave me a bad feeling, and I only hung out with you because the others liked you. So we were never friends to begin with and we never will be." And, those who know me, know that is exactly what I said, and what I meant. Then I told her the obvious point, "either way, it's not about me, it's about you two. If you guys like each other than my opinion isn't important... either way really. If you like him, and I mean really like him, then you should say 'yes', but if you don't then say 'no'. That's not my choice, and it's not my place to decide." I'm not an idiot, I know that it's not to do with me, and I'm not gonna be a five year old about it and wail on her or something. All I can do is this kind of calm conversation whilst slowly killing all emotion...
I was hoping that she would prove me wrong in being a bitch... but in light of her (previously stated) actions, and her lying to my face... I realized that I now 100% cannot accept her answer to the next question. (Before it was only 99%)
Me: So, if you really like him, then tell him yes. If not, say no. And if you aren't serious about your feelings but say yes, I will not be neutral to you but likely hate you into eternity.
B: ...
Me: ...So? How do you feel?
B: *pausepausepause* "Well of course I like him...
Me: (?! What the hell? In girl language that means 'Not like that, but he's convenient and seems to like me'... Oh god, give her the benefit of the doubt...) ..................So... I take it that you'll say 'yes' right.
B: *mumbles* ...es
Me: ...I'm sorry what? You're mumbling...
B: *quietly still* ...yes. *cars going by... my heart sinking into hell*
Me: I'm sorry, did you say something?
B: YES!
Of course I knew what she said... but what the hell is her issue? "I want to make sure that we can still be friends even though all I've ever done is try to steal the attention and interest of the guy that I've known you liked since the begining and now I want your express permission to permanently take him away from you because..." Why? Seriously... why? Why do I have to give you permission to steal him? And why am I the kind of person who does it...
Every said, "I would have bitch slapped her/knocked her out/(something)..." but I can't do that... I mean, I CAN, but I never would... I never have and never will be that kind of person... But then that just made it hurt more to learn that everyone here seems to think it's what I would do... Why do they think I'm that kind of person? And how can they possible say/or ever have said that they are my friends?
It's always the same... because I'm so strong... because I have this impenetrable wall... because I know I'm the only one who will protect me... I come off as that type of person... BUT! How dare you EVER call yourself my real friend if you don't even know that I'm not the kind of person who would do that... don't EVER say you know me.
Anyways... My note to him was...
"ごめん馬鹿男、本当に好きけど、まだ友達になりたくない。。。まだ友達の好きがあるけど、本当にあなたはアホ。だから、嘘ついた。まだ友達はだ め。無理。(I can't be your friend anymore, now that I know those things... I hadn't known that at the time, and now I realize you aren't worth being friends with if you're fooled by someone like her so easily.)
私はもっと頭がいい人と会って、友達になるのがいいと思う。"
--"It's better if I meet some more intelligent people and make new friends."
あきらめた。女はも人間はも信用出来ない。(I give up. Women and humans, I can't trust anyone.)
Why is it that these people attract to me? And why do I attract to the kinds of guys who fall for them? And why do I always let it get so far?
本当に一人ではいい。一人で住む、一人で死ぬ、全部一人で。人間は下らない。
(Really, it's better to be alone. To live alone, to die alone, everything by oneself. Humans are worthless.)
Somehow, I feel like it's safer though, to become this kind of heartless person...
心を殺すのはいい。その気持ちは最悪。(If I kill my heart it will be fine. That kind of feeling is the worst.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After waking up... just before this, I deleted them... from facebook and him from mixi, the japanese journal I used to post the original.
I hate to be this kind of person but...
I got drunk, I talked to friends, I cried, I slept... it's over. They're dead to me. So their lies can't hurt me now.
I will survive, and I will keep moving forward.
But I want to go back to that place... slowly, to kill all emotion... I don't want to know how lonely I am anymore. Even if it means...
Hey!
Sorry, I'm not feeling well~ I drank a little too much last night.
Right now, My heart kind of hurts... why?
The thing is, there is this guy I liked but I thought it's impossible. And then this girl came along. The girl pretended she wanted to be my friend, but at the same time she kept doing strange things.
She knew I liked this guy but then she flirted with him (in front of my face no less... and I thought that was it, and that I was just a jealous bitch...) But what the hell? Isn't it a bit strange? I thought she might be a bitch, but then I thought, 'maybe she's just retarded...?' But then she still thought that we could be friends... She's seriously an idiot. I'm neither blind nor dumb, whether you realized it or not...
But, it seems that it wasn't all in front of me, but also behind my back. I found out last night... a friend called to check on how I was doing and told me some disturbing things that had been kept from me, but after I told them some things they said, 'well these things did happen, and I thought it was kind of curious but...'
She called the guy I like (G) up at one point and asked if he wanted some pizza... then she took over some leftover pizza to give him, stayed over, talked, and when it came time to go she said it was too late to drive home and stayed over the night... Not only once either... and though she claimed that she "never noticed she was flirting with him" and yet she did these things? How can she not know? All those things she said... but she slept at his place often and told him "don't tell Erin"... Isn't that obvious she knows she's doing something odd???
She fucking lied to my face, and I was apt to believe her... I seriously thought I was the bitch and I was at fault, but there's no way that her stupid little act could have been real, it's so obvious. I prefered Kristen, at least she admitted that she was being a bitch and eased my conscience, even if she did have lame excuses. This bitch is still pretending to be all sweet and innocent... an act that started when she got introduced to Ken and Giichi.
There's more, but is it needed? There were so many things... seemingly little glitches that at the time I was putting down as just me, and I was feeling like the world's biggest jerk... but not now. That is something that even I can't blame on myself, and you all know how good I am at making myself into the bad guy in any situation.
And the guy... What kind of person is he? He asked her out yesterday... What the hell is in his head?
So how did I find out? She called me and said "we need to talk". She came over here to ask me what she should say and "make sure we could still be friends"... (Why was she even here? She was supposed to be at home, and hour away... What was she doing for those few hours? Do I want to ask...?)
So I told her straight up, "Honestly, you have nothing to worry about on that point, I never liked you in the first place. You gave me a bad feeling, and I only hung out with you because the others liked you. So we were never friends to begin with and we never will be." And, those who know me, know that is exactly what I said, and what I meant. Then I told her the obvious point, "either way, it's not about me, it's about you two. If you guys like each other than my opinion isn't important... either way really. If you like him, and I mean really like him, then you should say 'yes', but if you don't then say 'no'. That's not my choice, and it's not my place to decide." I'm not an idiot, I know that it's not to do with me, and I'm not gonna be a five year old about it and wail on her or something. All I can do is this kind of calm conversation whilst slowly killing all emotion...
I was hoping that she would prove me wrong in being a bitch... but in light of her (previously stated) actions, and her lying to my face... I realized that I now 100% cannot accept her answer to the next question. (Before it was only 99%)
Me: So, if you really like him, then tell him yes. If not, say no. And if you aren't serious about your feelings but say yes, I will not be neutral to you but likely hate you into eternity.
B: ...
Me: ...So? How do you feel?
B: *pausepausepause* "Well of course I like him...
Me: (?! What the hell? In girl language that means 'Not like that, but he's convenient and seems to like me'... Oh god, give her the benefit of the doubt...) ..................So... I take it that you'll say 'yes' right.
B: *mumbles* ...es
Me: ...I'm sorry what? You're mumbling...
B: *quietly still* ...yes. *cars going by... my heart sinking into hell*
Me: I'm sorry, did you say something?
B: YES!
Of course I knew what she said... but what the hell is her issue? "I want to make sure that we can still be friends even though all I've ever done is try to steal the attention and interest of the guy that I've known you liked since the begining and now I want your express permission to permanently take him away from you because..." Why? Seriously... why? Why do I have to give you permission to steal him? And why am I the kind of person who does it...
Every said, "I would have bitch slapped her/knocked her out/(something)..." but I can't do that... I mean, I CAN, but I never would... I never have and never will be that kind of person... But then that just made it hurt more to learn that everyone here seems to think it's what I would do... Why do they think I'm that kind of person? And how can they possible say/or ever have said that they are my friends?
It's always the same... because I'm so strong... because I have this impenetrable wall... because I know I'm the only one who will protect me... I come off as that type of person... BUT! How dare you EVER call yourself my real friend if you don't even know that I'm not the kind of person who would do that... don't EVER say you know me.
Anyways... My note to him was...
"ごめん馬鹿男、本当に好きけど、まだ友達になりたくない。。。まだ友達の好きがあるけど、本当にあなたはアホ。だから、嘘ついた。まだ友達はだ め。無理。(I can't be your friend anymore, now that I know those things... I hadn't known that at the time, and now I realize you aren't worth being friends with if you're fooled by someone like her so easily.)
私はもっと頭がいい人と会って、友達になるのがいいと思う。"
--"It's better if I meet some more intelligent people and make new friends."
あきらめた。女はも人間はも信用出来ない。(I give up. Women and humans, I can't trust anyone.)
Why is it that these people attract to me? And why do I attract to the kinds of guys who fall for them? And why do I always let it get so far?
本当に一人ではいい。一人で住む、一人で死ぬ、全部一人で。人間は下らない。
(Really, it's better to be alone. To live alone, to die alone, everything by oneself. Humans are worthless.)
Somehow, I feel like it's safer though, to become this kind of heartless person...
心を殺すのはいい。その気持ちは最悪。(If I kill my heart it will be fine. That kind of feeling is the worst.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After waking up... just before this, I deleted them... from facebook and him from mixi, the japanese journal I used to post the original.
I hate to be this kind of person but...
I got drunk, I talked to friends, I cried, I slept... it's over. They're dead to me. So their lies can't hurt me now.
I will survive, and I will keep moving forward.
But I want to go back to that place... slowly, to kill all emotion... I don't want to know how lonely I am anymore. Even if it means...