So... yeah. I know it's been a while since I've actually updated. But so much has been happening. The 8th was me and Nes's one year anniversary. We celebrated that Saturday. It was fantastic♥ I love him muchly. And we've been doing a lot better, so I'm happy. ^_^
I'm super excited for Warped (in four days)! Heck yes! <3
I leave July 15th for Washington and New York. Hm. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I love New York, but I don't want to be gone a long time... >.<
I get my permit on the 13th. I can't decide between a Mini Cooper or the new '06 Mitsubishi Eclipse.
Um. I havn't talked to Mauricio in two days and I'm not even sure why. I slept at Nes's house on Sunday, and he called once at midnight, but he hasn't called since. I dunno. Whatever, maybe it's better this way? But I just don't know what I'd do without him in my life. He's my bestfriend. He's really the only one I have besides Nes. And lately, I just... I'm almost scared because I've been incredibly depressed and I can't figure out why. I feel so alone. I have noone to talk to anymore, I mean, about anything serious(except for Rachel, but that's different.) I don't trust Caroline, and Brian.. well I just can't. And I'm scared about Nes, because I don't want him to make me feel bad or anything, and with Mauricio, it's just not that same. I was in the shower a couple days ago at like 4:00 in the morning, and I was just soo... depressed. For the first time since the last time me and Chantal broke up, I actually thought about cutting myself. ugh.
I talked to Chantal, too. A couple days ago and when I told Nes about it, it went like this:
Me: "Woah, Chantal just IMed me. It's about Stefan, some dude she likes... do you want me to say anything back or are you uncomfortable?"
Nes: "You know how I feel, do what you want."
Me: "I don't want to do it if you dont want me to."
Nes: "I don't care... Just don't tell me these things. You know how I feel about it."
Me: "So are you telling me that if I talk to her, you don't want me to tell you?
Nes: "No. I don't care."
Me: Me: "Well, I don't want to keep things from you."
Nes: "So don't."
Me: "So how do I tell you?"
Nes: "You do what you want. It's your life."
Me: "You act like I'm going to explode if I talk to her."
Nes: "No. But you do what you want. But if you start doing things behind my back, well, it's going to go to shit."
Me: "What do you mean?"
Nes: "I mean, that if you start doing things behind my back, that's different, but you do what you want. Do what you think feels right. Just keep me out of that loop."
[silence]
See, I don't understand how it's not behind his back if he doesn't want me to tell him?
I'm so confused. Hm.
I want to talk to her, but I don't know.. Ugh. I mean she's hurt me so bad in the past, and I know Nes is just worried, (not only paranoid that I'm going to cheat on him) but worried that she'll hurt me again.
And when we were talking that night, I read her journal about some girl she liked, and she told me it was "too complicated" and I didn't realize it until the day after when Caroline IMed me. I told Caroline that we talked and what we talked about, that it was Caroline she was talking about. I wasn't sure how to react... But I guess I really don't have a choice. And even if I did, it doesn't matter.
Hm. I guess everything's okay in my life. When I've signed on lately, I've just went on away because I didn't want Chantal to IM me because I wasn't sure what to do. Rachel says just not to talk to her, because Nes doesn't want me to, he just doesn't want to seem controlling. But at the same time, of course I want to do what he wants, but I just want to be her friend again, you know?
Whatever.
I guess I'll just think about everything and decide sooner or later.
Hm.
Well, uh, I'm gonna go watch the game, the one Sunday night was kick ass! Miami= 3-2
Later.
"Living Like Life's Going Out Of Style!"--Grenade Jumper
I love you, Nes!! ♥